I stepped back, hating that I was letting her go, but it wasn’t like I could take her with me. I was about to walk back into the shop where this nightmare had happened, and she didn’t need to be anywhere near it.
Chapter Five
ELODIE
I didn’t take my attention off him as he walked out of the bedroom. I didn’t move my gaze off the door as I heard his footsteps echo down the stairs. And I didn’t move an inch as I listened to the murmurs below me. I waited. Waited until the roar of an engine left the driveway. Waited as I heard more footsteps coming toward me. Waited with bated breath as a knock reverberated on the bedroom door. I couldn’t move. Couldn’t think. I’d told Asher I’d be fine, but it wasn’t the truth. I’d done what I always did: pulled the mask over my face and portrayed a lie.
But I had to do this on my own. I had to face the marks on my body. I had to look into my own eyes and push the pain away.
“I’ve turned the shower on for you, Elodie.” Lola’s soft voice soothed part of me but also had me even more on edge. She’d seen me at my worst in the hospital, and I was afraid to look her in the eyes again. She’d let me stay here, and she hadn’t pushed. She’d just been there if I needed her. Yet all I wanted to do was hide away.
“And I put some fresh towels on the towel heater too.” There was a beat of silence and then, “I’ll be in my bedroom, so if you need help, just shout and I can come in, okay?”
“O-okay.” I gripped my hands in front of me, trying to keep myself calm, but it wasn?
??t working. The bite of my fingernails in my palm wasn’t giving me any relief. If anything, it was making my anxiety worse. I opened my mouth and croaked out, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” I counted to five, waiting for her to move away from the door, and when her footsteps echoed, I finally ventured to the bedroom door. The only time I’d come out of this room was to use the bathroom, but even then, I was in a daze, not really taking note of things around me. This room had become my safe haven, the one place where nothing could get me, but as soon as I opened the door and walked out into the hallway, I wouldn’t feel that any longer.
Maybe I should have been honest with Asher. Maybe I should have asked him to stay—told him I did need his help.
I shook my head. No. I had to do this. I had to do this on my own. I’d never relied on anyone. I’d always fought my way through everything. I’d taken everything the world had thrown at me and I hadn’t given up yet, so I refused to fall at this hurdle. All I had to do was push my shoulders back and get through this.
So, I did exactly that. I reached for the door handle, then turned it. I took a step out of the room, then looked left and right. There was a door on the right at the end of the hallway, but the sound of the shower was coming from near the top of the stairs. I pulled in a deep breath, clenched my shaking hands, and moved toward the bathroom. Two doors on the right were partly open, and I remembered Asher telling me they were Cade's and Belle’s rooms when they were growing up. I wondered if they were like Asher’s and still had everything inside of them?
My heart pounded the closer to the bathroom I got, and I did everything to distract myself from what I was about to face. I hadn’t looked at myself in the mirror. I hadn’t seen anything but the few bruises on the bottoms of my legs. I knew they weren’t going to be the worst, but I hadn’t prepared myself. I wasn’t sure anything could prepare me for what I would see.
The steam filled the bathroom as I stepped inside, and I was glad the mirror was fogged up. It would give me time—time to work up the courage to wipe it away and look into my own eyes. I was scared. Afraid of what I would see shining back at me. But I had to do this. This was the first step—or maybe it was the second. The first was getting the rape kit done, so I’d already done the hardest part, right?
Wrong.
I was alone. By myself with only the marks on my skin and the thoughts in my head. I wasn’t sure what scared me more: the memories of what had happened, or the thought of swiping my hand over the mirror to reveal myself.
I closed the bathroom door, then stepped toward the vanity unit. The gray wood mixed perfectly with the modern appliances, and the black doorknobs were shiny. I wasn’t sure why that intrigued me so much. Maybe because I’d never seen a vanity like this one, or maybe because I was stalling.
“You can do this,” I whispered, and lifted my hand into the air. I gritted my teeth as my fingers shook. I was letting him win. I’d always let him win, right up until the point I’d walked away. He may have won the battle, but I would win the war. I wasn’t going to let Knox beat me down, not this time. I’d taken it from him enough over the years, and now—
Fuck. He was winning. I was giving him the trophy without even trying. I couldn’t let this happen. I couldn’t—
“Just do it,” I gritted out, and slammed my eyes closed as I swiped my palm over the mirror. I could feel the water droplets against my skin, and I knew it would only be seconds before the steam fogged it over again, so I opened my eyes, and stared right at my face.
It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The swelling was settling down, and I was used to the bruises marring my skin. It looked like the last time he’d hit me in the face, but I knew it was so different from the last time. He hadn’t taken anything from me then, but this time, he’d ripped me apart. He’d stolen from me. He’d taken something he had no right to.
“I hate you.” I narrowed my eyes at myself as the steam started to take back over, but I wasn’t sure if I was talking to myself or Knox. I’d let him peck away at me. I’d let him push me down over and over again. I should have seen it coming. I should have known he wouldn’t give up. But when you were in the thick of it, how were you meant to see it? How were you meant to know things were getting worse?
The mirror finally fogged back over completely, but I didn’t move from my position. That part was the easiest, now I had to bare myself and look at the rest of my body. The nurse had helped me shower at the hospital, but I’d kept my eyes squeezed closed the entire time. Now though…now it was just me.
My heart beat an erratic rhythm in my chest, my palms started to sweat, but I pushed through it. I pretended like it was any other day and gripped the bottom of the T-shirt I was wearing. I imagined I’d just practiced my dance routine. I envisioned the sweat on my skin was from the workout I’d put my body through and not the nerves rolling through me like crashing waves, threatening to knock me down.
Goose bumps prickled over every inch of my skin as I pulled the T-shirt over my head and threw it onto the tiled floor. I wrapped my arms around my waist, trying to give myself some comfort, and stepped into the shower. The warm water rained over me, trying to wash away the sins on my body, and it was that that finally broke the dam. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Couldn’t push it down and pretend. Tears streamed down my face. Tears of pain. Tears of sorrow.
I cried for me. I cried for Asher. I cried for every person who had had their choice taken away. I cried for what felt like one hundred hours. I cried until the tears wouldn’t fall any longer. I cried until my body gave in and I slid to the floor.
My hair was wet, my skin unwashed, and I finally glanced over my marked skin. My arms had bruises from his fingers, and scratches covered parts of me I hadn’t even realized had been hurt. I winced at the sting between my legs. The nurse had told me he’d torn me on the inside, but I hadn’t really taken anything in that she’d said. I understood now. He’d pushed his way into a place he had no right, and in the process, damaged it. The dark purple covering my ribs made me wince, and with each inhale it was as if I could feel each of his blows over and over again.
“Elodie?” My ears thrummed at the sound of Lola’s voice, but I couldn’t get my mouth open to answer her. I couldn’t do anything but stare at the marks on my skin. “Sweetie? You’ve been in there for over an hour.” I whipped my head around at the sound of the door handle rattling, but I didn’t move a single inch. “Elodie?”
I wanted to tell her I was okay. I wanted to cover my body so she wouldn’t see. I wanted to wipe at my face and the marks the tears would have been sure to leave behind, but I didn’t. I just stayed there, my gaze focused on her face as she stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.