Chapter Thirteen
Haar: noun, a cold wet sea fog. Pronounced: Haar - roll the r at the end.
Belter: noun, excellent, very good, awesome, we also use this for more sarcastic wit… “Christ, did ye see her dress? Aye, that was a belter.” Meaning it’s bloody awful. Pronounced: Bell-turr.
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Hunter
Bamboozled by last night's events, I couldn’t sleep. Finally, I admitted defeat and jumped out of bed after tossing and turning all night. Walking the four miles from the retreat down to Castleview Pier has cleared my head slightly. The fresh air here is so clean and crisp, I can feel the fog of my sleepless night lifting.
It’s just turned five in the morning, but the place is a hive of activity.
Leaning back against the bench I’m sitting on at the end of the long pier, I observe the fishermen in their boats preparing to head out for a day at sea. Water slaps against the boats, gently rocking them from side to side, sometimes bumping the harbor walls.
Quaint colorful houses line the road, set back slightly from the harbor wall.
Crying seagulls fill the sky as the fresh sea salt air fills my lungs. Taking in a deep breath, I feel a sense of peace and tranquility here. I look back to the multicolored homes; I’m a little envious they wake up to this idyllic view every day.
The last time I was here, I didn’t take the time to do any exploring. I’m regretting it now. Castleview Cove is so charming; it’s like a balm for my soul.
Sweeping beaches stretch for miles on both sides of the harbor, sprinkled with putting greens, play parks, flamboyant wooden food huts, and an outdoor trampoline park.
Mist floods the shoreline to the horizon.
I close my eyes and let the sound of the crashing waves wash over me.
My thoughts drift back to Eden. I don’t know what happened last night. She was with me one minute, then gone the next. It all changed at the flick of a switch.
Eva received a text from Ella as we waited for our cab. She never told me what happened, but she looked concerned and instructed us all to get in the taxi. All she told us was Eden and Ella were finding their own way back.
Not wanting to press or push Eva, all I asked of Eva was that she tell me if Eden was safe. She reassured me. I said nothing more after that. Like a magnet, the urge to go to her house last night was pulling me in. A sudden desire to smell and taste her takes over my mind and body. That’s why I’ve left her alone, because I want to reach out and comfort her. I want to wrap my arms around her. But she needs space. What for, I'm not sure, but I want to find out.
I need to check in for my own sanity. I hope someone didn’t hurt her last night or say something to her to upset the night, Christ, I don’t know; maybe it’s not my place to visit her again.
A deep frown creases my brow. I was finally getting Eden to trust me last night. I confessed things I’ve never confessed with anyone.
A new beginning? What was I thinking coming on strong like that? Did I scare her off? Is that why she disappeared last night? There was no evidence of that before she went to the bathroom. She wanted me. I felt it; she felt it. The intensity between us was, is, so strong, like we are in sync with one other. None of it makes sense.
Pushing the tip of my black cap back, I palm my hands into my stinging eyes and let out a yawn, shuffling my cap forward again to cover my eyes. My body craves sleep, but I want to speak to Eden first.
Startled by a burst of laughter floating over from one of the boats, I spot a girl off in the distance passing an enormous bunch of elegant long-stemmed yellow sunflowers to the fisherman. She’s laughing and joking with them all. She looks a little out of place in her neon-pink leggings, bright-white sneakers, and white hoodie.
Indicating the boat is about to leave, a sudden growl from the engine bounces around the harbor. I watch the girl wave goodbye to the anglers as they unhook themselves from the dock.
As the boat glides over the water, she walks, mirroring their path along the pier, toward where I’m sitting. Making its way toward the mouth of the harbor, she laughs and jokes with them. As the boat picks up a little more pace, she starts a slow jog.
Getting closer, I realize suddenly it's Eden.
What’s she doing here?
She looks tired, but she’s wearing a beaming smile as she waves to the crew on the boat. “Bye, guys, come home safe,” she calls out to them with her head turned toward the boat, not noticing I’m here.
She takes a couple of minutes to reach the end of the cobbled harbor pier.
Silently she tucks her hands into the pockets of her hoodie as she watches the boat bob across the waves out of sight.
“Hey,” I call out from the rocky recess I’m sitting in.
“Jesus Christ.” With a loud gasp, she whips around and presses a hand to her chest quickly.
“Oh my God, don’t do that, I could have fallen off the pier,” she gasps. “Bloody hell, Hunter. What the hell are you doing here? It’s like five o’clock in the morning.”
“Crap, I’m sorry.” I palm my hand in the air in a stop motion. “I didn’t mean to startle you. I wasn’t thinking. You alright?”
“I will be after my heart stops bouncing; just give me a minute.”
Gathering herself, she frowns. “What are you doing down here?”
I watch as she pulls her hood up over her head and slides her hands back into the snug pocket of her hoodie. Slowly she pulls out a small tube of cream.
“I couldn't sleep.”
“Me either.”
I pat the wooden bench. “Will you sit with me?”
She knits her brows together.
“Please?” I beg. Pathetic.
Tentatively she scuffs her heels toward me and sits at the end of the bench, looking out across the shore.
God, I must have done something terrible last night. She couldn’t get any further away from me if she tried. I definitely came on too strong. Man, I feel like a dick.
I take my black baseball cap off, place it on the seat, and sweep my hair back off my forehead.
We sit for a few moments listening to the gentle ting of chains as they rattle against the mast of the boats in the wind.
I watch her as she smooths what looks like lip balm over her lush lips.
“Am I reading that right? Does that tube say nipple cream?” I ask, confused.
“Eh, yeah, I use this as it works better than lip salve and your nipple is the same skin as your lips. Did you know your top lip is the same color as your nipple? Well, it is for me. It’s one of those top beauty tips, much like the one where they say to use hair conditioner on your pubic hair because it softens it. I suppose it makes sense, not that I have any down there, but if I did, then I think I would use it too. That documentary was right; remember I told you about the deforestation thi…”
“Stop talking, Eden,” I interrupt. Around the outskirts of her hood I watch her pale cheeks flush a strawberry pink.
This girl.
Leaning my head back and rolling my eyes to the sky as warmth spreads to my groin. “You can’t say shit like that. I have no control over my body when I’m around you. You make me feel things no woman has ever done before. Just stop.”
Yip, I’m a sexual deviant ’cause all I can think of is the color of Eden’s nipples as I zone in on her top lip and try to envision her bare pussy.
Shoot. Me. Now.
A long silence follows. Okkkaaaaaayyyy then…
“It’s really foggy today,” I say, trying a different tactic.
“We call it Haar. It’s what we call a cold sea fog. It happens when warm air passes over the cold sea. Drives my hair daft and makes it so frizzy.”
Eden's shoulders hunch over as she holds her gaze out to sea. I watch as a gentle breeze picks up her hair, stirring the strands around the frame of her hoodie as they stick to her now shiny lips. She’s no idea how captivating she is. I capture a mental picture of this moment. She’s exquisite.
Gently I ask, “What happened last night, Eden?”
Silence.
“Please talk to me.”
“You should forget about me, Hunter.”
“That’s going to be really difficult after last night. You’re all I can think about.”
Whipping her head around, she looks at me with glazed eyes. “Believe me, you do not want this.” Pulling her hands out of her pockets, she motions to her tiny body. “I’m a mess.” Then she rubs the back of her hand across her cheek as a small tear trickles down her rosy cheek.
“What’s going on, Eden? Did I do something wrong?”
“This is going to sound so cliché. It’s not you, it’s me.”
Yup, I’ve blown it.
“Tell me why it’s you. Tell me what happened or what’s wrong. I want to help you.”
The sound of the wind quietly swirling between us is the only thing I hear. Eden has built her wall so high, it’s impenetrable.
I hold my hands up. “Okay, I’ll go. If I did do something, I’m really sorry, Eden.”
Shuffling myself to the end of the seat, I smooth my hands down my jeans and slowly stand up. Just as I take my first step…
“It was four years ago,” she faintly mumbles. “My boyfriend Jamie was a fisherman; he owned his own boat. One night he and his three-man crew came face-to-face with a storm so violent it sunk his ship. Ross, Thomas, and Nick never came home. Lost at sea.”
Carefully, I gently perch myself back on the bench, trying not to disturb her story she’s now ready to share with me.
Her eyes distant with memories, she says, “It was awful. I’ll never forget the faces of the families that night. But Jamie. He lived. They found him floating on a buoy. What are the chances of that? I was so ecstatic. But I felt so guilty for being happy. I had my Jamie back, but those poor families lost their boys. The boat crews scatter sunflowers for them out at sea. Sunflowers are a sign of hope. Hope they may eventually come home. It’s too long now. The service we held for them all. We had no bodies to grieve with. It was truly harrowing. This bench you’re sitting on.” She rubs the seat with her small hand. “This is their memorial bench.”
I turn to read the plaque Eden’s now pointing to with the names of the three men engraved into it.
“Our lives changed that night. Jamie gave up on everything. He had post-traumatic stress disorder, but he never admitted it and he refused to get help. The word lucky was banded about like confetti. ‘Jamie is so lucky to be alive; you are so lucky to have Jamie back Eden.’ But we weren’t lucky; we were bloody doomed after that night. I think we were doomed long before that, knowing what I know now.”
This is the most she’s ever said to me. Not wanting her to stop, I let her continue.
“Jamie boxed himself up. He stopped talking to everyone. He wouldn’t listen to me or his family. He hated being surrounded by the families of Ross, Thomas, and Nick. He said he couldn’t stand the look when they saw his face. The longing to have their own sons back and looks of unintentional loathing because they wished it was their son back home and not him.”
Silent tears one after another slide down Eden’s face.
“I’m so sorry, Eden,” I whisper.
She continues. “About twelve weeks later, I’d just finished a dance lesson when I received a text from Jamie. Just a one-line text telling me he’d left town. I knew he couldn’t stand being here in Castleview Cove anymore. And just like that, he left. No forwarding address. Just gone.
“The worst part is…” She takes a deep breath. “I was six months pregnant when he left. I discovered I was three months pregnant a few days after the accident. Jamie wasn’t interested. He was too traumatized by the loss of his friends. Just like that he left me, left us. Then two days after he left I lost our baby too. He didn’t even come back for her funeral. He just washed us down the drain like we meant nothing.”
“Is that who Chloe is, Eden? The plaque at the tree inside the retreat?”
She bobs her head slightly, confirming it is.
“Heartache from both losses was life-changing. I lost myself at twenty-three. Like someone just blew out the light. Losing Chloe was painful. It was medical. I didn’t lose her because of him leaving or stress or anything, although I’m not sure that helped. I now know that I have a medical reason that will affect me if I ever chose to have a baby again. I’m not sure I want to take any risks, to be honest.
“Grief for someone who dies is worlds apart from losing someone who decides to leave or you don't know where they’ve gone. Chloe was, is, gone, and I didn’t control that. But Jamie, well, he was still around, somewhere. Worry tormented me about his well-being, thinking about what he was doing, who he was with, and did he get help? I let it, let him, consume me. He didn’t care about me, but I never stopped caring about him. I don’t even know why now.”
She graciously pulls back her hood and slides herself sideways; facing me, she curls her leg on top of the seat.
Swiveling slowly, I turn too.
Eventually she lifts her head and my heart cracks open as her icy red-rimmed and bloodshot eyes meet mine. She’s so broken. My poor girl. Never one to be stuck for something to say, my words suddenly dry up like dust.
“I think you’ll know Jamie’s brother, Fraser Farmer?” I don’t know where this is going, but I raise my eyebrows in agreement. I do know him; he’s a pro golfer, like me.
“He left Castleview Cove a long time ago to pursue his career. I haven’t seen him since the funeral. Even he came. Jamie’s parents have never said if they know where Jamie is. I’m assuming they do. I stopped asking. I’m glad I did because I feel like such a mug after last night.”
“Small world. Yeah, I know Fraser. He’s a top guy. I didn’t know he was from here.”
Eden shudders suddenly as she sobs. “He’s the nice brother. I got the shithead one.” I reach out, straddle the bench, pull her in close, and let her weep into my shoulder.
I place a soft kiss on the top of her head. “You’re so strong, you know that, Eden, but you don’t have to keep this all to yourself.” I soothe her, rocking her back and forth, holding her tightly. “Hey, hey, let it all out, I’ve got you, baby. You’re okay,” I coo.
As her sobs subside, she backs up and wipes her face, rubbing the fabric of her hoodie down her puffy, swollen cheeks.
“I don’t feel okay. I feel bloody awful. I hate Jamie for making me feel like this.” She bites out a snarl laced with venom.
“Last night, well, you made me feel so special. For the first time in a very long time I felt happy, actually happy. I think I’d forgotten what that felt like, but then… flipping heck, I feel so stupid.”
My heart does a little jump. I made her feel happy. I need to know what changed. “What happened last night? Crap, was Jamie there last night?” I gasp at that thought suddenly.
“Hell no, he’ll never come back. It may be just as well as I might punch him in the dick. I’m such a fool. I’ve been wasting all these years of my life waiting for him to come back. It’s taken me all this time to realize what a self-centered prick he really is.
“No, last night… I don’t think I can even bring myself to say it. It makes me feel sick.” Turning around, she tucks her head between her knees. I slowly rub her back as I hear her breathing in and out.
“I found out he was cheating on me,” she mumbles between her legs.
“What a dick.”
“You think? He’s the biggest asshole ever,” she says, pinging upward suddenly, as if it’s just dawned on her.
“I’ve frittered away all these years, pathetically waiting.” She flings her arms around in the air. “Then last night Fiona Evans informs me in the restroom that she was fucking Jamie behind my back. Not just once, but for years.” Her voice echoes around the bowl of the harbor. “It was an accident how I found out; she would never tell me.
“And the things Jamie said about me, are so hurtful. He was talking about me to her. I got a front-row seat about the shit they spoke about me behind my back while they were playing tonsil tennis together. It hurts so bad.” She clutches her chest. “On top of that, Ella informed me last night that my family didn’t like him either, like not at all.” She draws a firm straight line in the air with her hand.
“So no, Hunter, you did nothing wrong. Last night was my wake-up call.” She circles to face me again. “You talked to me about fate and meeting me. I’m not so sure about us. But it was fate last night, me being in the bathroom. I’ve been miserable over him for years when I should have been living my life. I’m actually relieved… And I can’t believe I’m going to say this… But I’m relieved my baby girl didn’t end up with a lying, cheating scumbag of a man for a father. I would never have wanted that for her or for me.”
“Don’t ever feel guilty for saying how you feel. I’m not trying to take anything away from you here, but Jess, my ex-girlfriend, she cheated on me. I know what that feels like. At first I was devastated and my self-confidence took a hit. I rolled through the emotional roller coaster from fear, betrayal, and disbelief to confusion, anger, then relief. It’s the ultimate betrayal. But use this to empower yourself. His behavior is not a reflection of anything you did or said. What he did was despicable, and you deserve better. The cheating part aside, to me, it feels like you’ve been bottling all your emotions up for so long, it’s consuming you.”
“My bucket list? Did you see it mentioned attending therapy sessions on it?”
I angle my chin up.
“Well, I’ve been going. I’m not crazy, I just find it hard to talk things through. I was feeling great. I’ve opened up more. I’ve learned that my past is shaping and has shaped me. Last night was the first night I’ve been out in months, almost a year. And then that bombshell. Well, that was a belter,” she spits.
I don’t stop her to ask what a belter means.
“I’m damaged, Hunter. My grief is ugly.” She looks me dead in the eyes, her graceful face now blotched from crying. She’s my everything; I know she is. I feel it everywhere, deep down in my soul. I want to scoop her up and hold her until she doesn’t feel this hurt anymore. I want to take it all away.
“You may think you want me, but you don’t want all the heavy baggage that comes with me.”
I really do, I want every part of you. I want to unpack it all.
She continues. “I was thinking about you as I lay in bed in the early hours of the morning.”
Oh, my heart skips with hope.
“You’re a wonderful man. You’re kind, funny, affectionate, and passionate about your profession, and I like everything about you. I am attracted to you, so much. Please believe me when I say this because it’s very rare I open up to anyone like I have to you today. I’ve never felt attraction to anyone, like I do to you. Not even…” She trails off.
She was going to say Jamie. She straightens herself as if preparing for her next words.
“Look at you. You are gorgeous and smart, and you wanting me the way you do, I am deeply flattered. Last night you made me feel wonderful. Your touch and your tenderness were everything I didn’t know I needed. Your touch meant something to me. Without doubt, I know you would take care of me in ways I can only imagine, but I need more.”
My heart flutters subside. Shit.
“As soon as The Cup is over, you’ll leave, and I can’t risk getting hurt any more than I already am.”
“Please don’t say that, Eden.” I told her things last night that I have never said to anyone else. Like, ever. I barely know her, but it feels like my soul knows hers deeply. I feel this profound bond with her. There’s no explaining how much I already care for her, and I do want to take care of her in every way. “Fuck.” I drag my hands through my hair and clasp the back of my neck, expecting the next line to cut me like a knife.
“I don’t think we should take things any further.”
And there it is.
“I can see myself falling for you, Hunter but I don’t think I will survive when you leave. I think you would break my heart. I can’t let that happen. I read so many romance novels filled with happy endings. Believe me, in real life, my life, it doesn’t have a happy ending. I thought Jamie loved me, but he left me, so he never really did. I lost my baby. That broke my heart. Now I meet you and you live thousands of miles away. You have this fabulous life traveling all over the world. But I live here. Let’s be real here, Hunter. We’re better off being friends, and I know you’re on my bucket list, but I can’t. I’m really sorry.”
“Fuck the list, Eden. I couldn’t give a shit about that. Me wanting you has never been about your bucket list. You seriously believe you don’t deserve to have a happily ever after? My father died when I was twelve. My mum and dad were besotted with one another, a bit like your parents are. My mum found love again, and she’s so head over heels in love with my stepdad.”
She shakes her head. “I think for my sanity, I need to focus on myself for a bit and figure out what I want. I waited so long for Jamie; I’ve lost focus of who I am.”
“So you don’t believe in a second chance at love?”
She’s protecting her heart. Everything she’s said, she’s right.
“The ironic part of this whole thing is I don’t even think I was in love with Jamie. I’ve been pining over someone I grew up with and cared about but was not in love with. He was my high school boyfriend. We were a habit just going through the motions. We were bloody boring together. Hindsight’s a wonderful thing, huh? I don’t actually think he cared about me. Well, finding out about Fiona last night confirms that. He never took care of me or proudly went out with me to dinner or took me on days out. It was always about him—friends, football, vacations with his mates. Last night when Ella informed me that none of my family liked him either, I realized now I was too blind to see it and I’ve decided I’m not getting wrapped up in someone else again. I need to be selfish.”
Tucking her hands back into her hoodie, she lifts her little body off the bench. “I should go. I’m tired. I’m so sorry, Hunter. Maybe in another life?” She shrugs her delicate shoulders full of sadness and defeat and blows out a sigh. “See you around.”
Frozen to the bench, I watch as my forever girl slips out of my life.
She dissipates like the morning haar at the rising of the sun.
And I just let her go.