Chapter Twelve
Greetin’: noun, weep, cry, lament; complain; grumble. Pronounced: Greet-ing.
Haverin’: verb, to talk nonsense or foolishly, babble,. Pronounced: Hay-verr-ing.
* * *
Eden
“Holy shit, you and Hunter.” Ella rolls her eyes, fanning herself. “You guys are ice-hot together. That kiss was off the charts.”
I can’t help but swoon as we stumble down the corridor.
“Argh, he’s so dreamy. And hot. He’s so sexy,” I say in a daze.
Ella burst out with abandonment, “Pink Puddle will be getting it tonight.” We cackle like a pair of witches. I daren’t share my concerns with Ella about my lack of sexual experience. I love Ella but she can be quite flippant, and I have what feels like a thousand butterflies fluttering in my tummy. I throw open the bathroom door, deep in thought, and we quickly find a stall each.
As I’m sitting doing my business, I play back Hunter's confessions to me tonight; it’s sensory overload for my soul and it triggers a face-aching grin to my face.
I hear a couple of voices enter the bathroom. “Christ, did you see her? She has no shame.”
“She’s clearly not waiting for Jamie to come home anymore; that's as clear as day. It’s about time. She’s been brooding over Jamie for way too long.”
I still. I think Ella’s heard them too because I can’t hear her shuffling about either now.
“Was that Hunter King she was with? How did she get him? He’s fucking hot. According to Jamie, Eden was a wet fish or a sack of potatoes, as he put it, in the bedroom. She’ll never satisfy a man like Hunter King.”
All good feelings gone. Poof.
Confirming all my self-doubts and deepest feelings. Hunter will definitely never want to be with me if I’m crap in the bedroom department.
I cover my mouth to silence my shock of what I’m hearing. Anger bubbles in my gut and I start to feel sick.
“Yeah, well, it’s just as well you satisfied Jamie, Fiona.”
They both burst out laughing.
Am I hearing this correctly? Fiona fucking Evans? And Jamie? My Jamie? When we were together? Cheating bastard.
Tears threaten my eyes and quickly become unfocused.
“Yeah, we had many happy years of shagging behind Eden’s back. I never understood why he never just left her if he was that bored.”
“But he left Fiona. He left you too, remember.”
“Shut up, Kim, you stupid bitch.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”
Screw this. I make my presence known. Ella senses what I’m doing and we both flush, unlock the latch, and come out from the stalls.
Fiona’s face pales as she locks eyes with us both in the mirror's reflection. She whips around; my angry gaze slices her face.
I brave out a sneer. “Fiona fucking Evans.”
“Shit, I’m so sorry, Eden; you were never meant to know. I, eh, oh, God, I'm…” She stammers.
“Really? Are you really sorry? Because from what I just heard, you were relishing and laughing at the fact you were cheating with Jamie behind my back. For years apparently,” I explode. “How long? Tell me now.”
“Eh, four years.”
“Four years.” My voice bellows across the bathroom.
“I lost my baby girl when he left.” I stab my chest with my finger. “Was that not punishment enough?” I stalk toward her. “And now, I find out about you. You’re a bitch.”
Fiona’s chest rises and falls with rapid breaths as I march closer.
Inches from her face, I drop my hands to my sides and clench my fists. She scrunches her face up, eyes closed, leaning away from me over the basin unit.
“Please don’t hit me.” She holds up her hands.
I scoff, breathing deeply. “I wouldn’t waste my time. You’re not worth it. You and Jamie deserve each other… Please don’t look my way ever again. Christ, Fiona, we went to school together. We grew up together. Four years? Behind my back?” I snap as streams of tears run down my face.
“And just so you know I’m not crying because I’m upset about Jamie. I don’t love him anymore. I haven’t loved him for a very long time. I’m upset because my little girl had a cheating liar for a father who didn’t even come back for her funeral. His own daughter.”
I wipe the palms of my hands across my cheeks and pull myself together.
I turn to Ella, who’s been silent this whole time. She let me have my moment. “Can we go?”
Having my back, she turns to Fiona with a steady voice. “Don’t look mine or Eva’s way either. I’ll remove you from dance aerobics and refund your money, Fiona.”
Fiona’s shoulders sag as she closes her eyes and lowers her head.
Ella wraps her arm around my shoulders, motioning me carefully out the door, like I’m a fragile package.
“You know what they say, the bigger the hoop, the bigger the ho, Fiona. It looks like you’re wearing the biggest hoop earrings in here tonight.” Ella seethes.
The door closes behind us. As we enter the empty corridor, I bend down and wail, echoes drown the corridor. My universe moves in slow motion. Ella pulls me into a comforting hug. God, that hurts to hear. ‘A wet fish’? Fucking Ouch. How humiliating.
The light that’s recently shone in my heart slowly dims again.
Pulling away from Ella, I lean against the wall and slide down into a slump, covering my face with my hands.
“What did I ever do to deserve this?”
Ella kneels down in front of me.
“Nothing, Eden. You’re an incredible woman with a heart of gold. You thought you were in love and you trusted with every piece of your soul. Jamie’s actions were nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
“You need to open your eyes. Jamie was an asshole. But you were so wrapped up in him to see it. We all saw it. He treated you like crap. He stayed out with his mates all the time, never took you anywhere. He spoke to you like you were his servant, everything on his terms. When he left, we all sighed with relief because we thought you’d make a fresh new start with you and the baby. And then, well, all that changed. And the funeral? I think his lack of care about you and the baby says it all. You deserve better.” She lets out a soft exhale. I think she’s wanted to say that for a while. “Now stop greetin’, he’s not worth it.”
“Take me home, Ella. I don’t want to see anyone.”
Grabbing my hand, she pulls me up to my feet.
“We’ll go out the fire escape and down the alleyway at the back. I just need to text everyone to let them know where we are. Give me just one minute, babes. Are you sure you don’t want to go back with Hunter? There’s more to tonight than just a one-night thing with him, Eden. He really, really likes you. Stuff Jamie for still interfering with your life.”
“Mmmmmm, I think that ship’s sailed. Those two are right. I could never satisfy a man like him. I think it’s better to just be alone.”
“Stop that now. You’re havering. Those two are a pair of bitches.” She looks at me. “C’mon, Eden.”
Ella drops her phone into her jeans pocket and starts shuffling me down the corridor. We head out the fire door with a loud clank into the fresh nighttime Scottish air. I take a deep breath in.
“Can we go in the back entrance of the retreat, please?” I plead. “I don’t want to bump into anyone.”
“Now if it was any other time, I would make a joke about your back entrance, but I won’t.” She arches an eyebrow at me, trying to make me laugh.
It makes me scoff a little.
“I’m sorry. I’m no fun, am I? Shit, what a night. Did you hook up with Luke? I’m so fucking selfish. Sorry, Ella. Here you are with me, and you probably had a sure thing going on tonight.”
“It’s cool. You’re my boo. I have the horses to muck out early, anyway. Plus, I need to clean my house tomorrow. Between working your extra shifts and helping at the riding school, Treacle has barely had two walks these last few weeks. It’s just as well he can come with me to the stables. Silly dog scares all the horses though, so Janice might not let me take him anymore. He’s a cheeky wee monkey.” I listen as Ella talks fondly of her love for her little black French bulldog. He’s cute. All big bat ears and droopy mouth. She loves him like a baby and likes to dress him up. He looks ecstatic when she does. Poor bugger.
I keep my horrible train of thoughts away from my recent revelation.
Shall we go back to pushing those feelings down again, Eden?
“What was your vagina’s name Ella? We never got to yours.”
“Taxi’s on its way; c’mon, we’ll meet it at the bottom of the road.” She loops her arm through mine and we saunter down the lane. I wipe the back of my hand across my nose, then use my fingertips to wipe away my tears. I’m a mess.
“It was Hungry Beaver. Eva’s was Pink Fuzz Box.”
“Figures,” I say with a lifeless laugh.
We stroll down the long lane in silence, huddling together.
Ella’s held her thoughts in for such a long time. Turns out she never liked Jamie and neither did my family. This is all news to me. I know they thought he was pond scum, having not shown for Chloe’s funeral, but this is a new revelation.
Reading my thoughts, she whispers, “He put you down all the time. He made you believe he’s all you deserved and you were worthless. You are not worthless. You are funny, kind, caring, gorgeous. You have this weird magnetic aura about you that people become so attracted to. You walk into a room and people know you’re there. You are small, but you have this tremendous presence. I don’t know what I’m saying, I can’t explain it.”
She continues. “And you have, like, no idea; you are oblivious to it all. You’ve had your blinkers on for way too long. Your smile lights us all up. People love you. The dance students adore you. Jamie kept you small because he knew all the other boys at school wanted you. He knew you were different. You deserve everything your heart desires. You deserve a happily ever after. We all do. You cannot let Jamie hold you back any longer. This has to stop. If you don’t stop this pining and yearning for what could have been, I may have to punch you in the boobs.”
I agree about the happily ever after, but I’m not so sure about the other stuff Ella’s just dropped on me. I feel like someone has punched me in the gut at the things Jamie was saying behind my back. I’m so ashamed. Totally betrayed.
People will believe Fiona, so I may as well embrace it. No one will want me now. I still can’t believe she, well, Jamie said those things about me. Jamie and Fiona. God, I feel like a complete fool.
Hunter was wrong; I’m no one's future. I’m certainly no one's happy ever after. What was I thinking? Me, worthy of finding love and having a little family I always dreamed of. I couldn’t even carry my baby girl. Incompetent cervix? Nah, it’s me who’s incompetent. In the bedroom, finding love. I’ve done a pretty good job holding on to my friends, although on some of my darkest days, I thought they’d given up on me too. I wouldn’t have blamed them either.
I’m not sure how I will bounce back from this. Here’s me thinking I was making significant progress too.
Nope, a happily ever after is not meant for me. I’m destined to be by myself.
A text dings on my phone. I check my on-screen notification.
Hunter:What happened, Cupcake? Are you okay? xo
Then another.
Hunter:Where are you, baby? Let me come get you. oxo
I don’t open it and don’t reply.