Secretly though, I know I wouldn’t have made it without them. I’d like to find those women who sit behind computer screens and make childcare seem like a cakewalk. Then again, none of them has had the pleasure of trying to raise Gabriel Russo’s offspring.
I don’t see how it is that I did all the work, almost broke my back carrying a tummy that was about half my size, and in the end, I didn’t pass on even my eye color. I wish I could be irritated by that fact, but in truth, it warms my heart to look at Gabriel’s face. Sometimes in the dead of night, when I’m sitting in the handmade rocker Ron had made, with a child at my breast and my defenses down, I can’t help but wish that he was here to see us.
“I think I’ll take you up on that nap.” I didn’t think babies learned to crawl at five months old. All the books say different, but I guess I should’ve known mine would be different, with Gabriel as a father. I slogged off to bed and dropped down like a lodestone, but sleep didn’t come as easy as it should have.
It’s going to be Xmas in a few days, the second Xmas without Gabriel. I remember looking forward to this time with him and his family a little more than a year ago. Has it been that long already? The stupid tears that have been plaguing me much of late threatened again, and I turned my face into the pillow to stifle the sound of my sobs.
Some days I just like to have a pity party. Instead of fighting my true thoughts and trying to be the bigger person, I just let all the rage and anger I feel inside take center stage. Of course, that doesn’t last long because there’s more than just me to think about, but it does feel good when it happens. Worse than those days, though, are the times when I’m tempted to call him, just to hear his voice somewhere other than in my dreams.
Too many nights, I wake up reaching for him only to find myself alone in my cold bed with tears drying on my face. I wish I knew when this agony would end. I thought I’d be at peace with just a little piece of him for myself, but I’m even lonelier now with the constant reminder of him. And as much as I love, there’s a gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be.
* * *
GABRIEL
* * *
It’s the holidays, more than a year since she left. My anger has turned to indifference and back to anger time and again. That hole she blasted into me refuses to be filled, and I wish some days that I’d never started this game with Ricci, that I’d just stuck to my original plan and ended him months ago and be done with this hell. It’s too late for regrets now, though. I’d started the ball rolling, and now there was no turning back.
I’ve been playing cat and mouse with Sal for the last five months, making his need to see me almost unbearable. I keep in touch just enough to satisfy my purpose, but never enough for him. Most humans don’t realize that when you starve someone of the love they so desperately want, they’d cling to you and forsake those who are right in front of them. It’s always the one who got away.
I lived through Xmas day, put on the face I knew my family wanted to see, and said all the right things in all the right places. They’d let their guards down again, well, except for Pop. He still keeps a close watch but not close enough that I can’t get around him. It helps that my team has decided that since they can’t stop me, they might as well join me. It took them long enough. Poor guys, they’re caught between a rock and a hard place, trying to keep both me and Pop satisfied.
I found no joy in the mountain of gifts I received and was barely cognizant of the festivities, same as last year, only last year we were all still caught up in finding her, so things weren’t as jolly as they are this time around. I can’t blame my family for moving on with their lives. That’s a dick move. But I can’t help sitting here in a roomful of people and feeling lonelier than I ever have.
The one good thing about feeling like this is that it fires up my revenge gene. I use all my anger and frustration to keep going and keep coming up with worse ways to bring down my prey. The more I dig into these people, the more disgusting I become. Luna, as I thought, isn’t the only one involved in the trafficking scheme. In fact, there are more players at work there than I first thought, according to Memnon.