“Just in the locker room in high school,” I say. “Before gym class.”
“I’ve been close,” Cam says. “Mariah and I did almost everything but have sex there at the end. But it was always in the dark. She was shy.” He grunts. “With me, anyway. When I walked in on her and those two soccer players, every light in her dorm room was on. And she was wearing a strap-on.”
Harlow pats his leg. “Don’t think about that. She was a garbage person. Your next girlfriend will be wonderful. Right, Ian?”
Ian’s throat works as he swallows, but his voice is steadier as he says, “I hope so. And I hope this first lesson will put you all on the road to meeting people who will respect you and your boundaries.” He holds up the first card—“Boundaries” is written on it in red—with an adorably shy grin. “Told you it was simple, but all the self-help books I read agreed with me on this one. Before you hit the dating market, you need to have your boundaries and your deal makers and deal breakers fixed in your mind.”
Jess raises her hand and asks, “You mean like what kind of partner you’re looking for? Height, job, hobbies, things like that? Because that will be hard for me. I’m not super picky. At least not about the physical stuff or whether he prefers to… I don’t know, roller-skate or go bowling or whatever.”
“Either one of those, there’s a good chance he’s a weirdo,” Harlow says, with a judgmental sniff. “Roller-skating and bowling are both fringe interests in the bad way.”
“They are not!” Jess says. “They’re fun.”
Harlow grunts. “If you like catching fungus from communal shoes and places that smell like feet and despair, sure.”
Jess reaches past me to smack Harlow’s arm with a laugh. “I love roller-skating. I’m going to put roller-skating on my must-have list just to prove to you that guys who like fun, childlike things are the best.”
“Right there,” Ian said. “That’s the kind of deal maker you want on your list. You want a guy who’s relaxed enough to enjoy fun, childlike things. That way you’re hitting on a larger attitude, not one trait that might be hard to find. These makers and breakers should be big-picture items. And you don’t need a whole bunch of them. Just a couple of each to start. That makes it easy to keep those things in mind as you’re vetting potential dates.”
“Okay, so for me, a deal breaker would be someone who doesn’t value monogamy or keep their promises,” Cameron says. “And a deal maker would be someone who loves to try new things, so she’ll be able to enjoy it when I get experimental in the kitchen.”
“Or the bedroom,” Jess says, bobbing her eyebrows. “I want that, too. Someone adventurous, who’s excited to get out in the world and away from our computers. I mean, I love my computer, but it’s becoming a bit of a crutch.”
“Or a security blanket,” I say, nodding in commiseration. “Same with me and grad school and all my projects. I absolutely want to get good grades and make amazing art but letting work take over because I’m too chicken to go after the other things I want isn’t healthy.”
Ian clears his throat. “You’re both right, and that’s a great thing to keep in mind. You want someone who makes you feel safe getting out of your comfort zone. All of this thinking ahead and focusing on the bigger picture can help keep you from getting swept up in a chemical connection that ends up going nowhere. Or worse, damages your self-confidence or self-esteem. You’re looking for someone who will be a good fit for the kind of relationship you want right now. So, you need to go in with your endgame top of mind.” He nods toward Cameron. “Cam already got started on his, so let’s hear from the rest of you guys. Deal breakers and deal makers, spit ’em out as they come to you.”
We spend the next fifteen minutes sharing our “wants” and “don’t wants,” and I’m surprised by how illuminating it is. Deep down, I’ve always known the type of partner I wanted, but listing the traits for my Dream Guy aloud almost instantly makes meeting him seem more possible.
It also brings home how little any of my past boyfriends resembled this mystery man.
Not a single one of my exes was—
So confident in who he is and what he has to offer that he doesn’t worry about “being cool” or what other people think about the things he loves.
Driven and passionate about his career, but just as supportive of mine.
Honest, even when it’s hard.
Kind but with a killer sense of humor.
* * *
And several of my former beaus exhibited one or more of my dealbreakers. Vince, for example, with his cheating and need to minimize my accomplishments to make his seem more important.