Other times we fall upon each other, all our feral lust exploding out of us.
We talk several times about how much we regret wasting those three years. If I’d found her – or if she’d reached out to me – we could’ve saved ourselves so much wondering and doubt.
“But I think the wait was a good thing too,” I told her last night when she was lying in my arms after the best sex of our lives.
“How so?” she asked, trailing her fingers across my chest.
“It’s made us want each other more. It’s made us appreciate each other more. We’ll never take what we have for granted because we’ll always remember what it was like to go without it. We’ll always remember how badly we ached for one another, believing we’d never be able to grow into our…”
I trailed off then. The word love dancing temptingly on the end of my tongue, but I was making certain arrangements, and I didn’t want to spoil anything.
But there was no doubt in my mind that I loved this woman, loved her completely, as much as a man is able to love and more.
I feel it right down in my soul, my core, whatever the hell it is… it’s rooted deep, buried so far down it’s a vital part of me.
I want to protect her forever.
I need to be the only man she ever touches, ever looks at in a romantic way.
My thoughts never stop flowing with visions of our future, with vivid vignettes of the life we’re going to share.
If that’s not love, what is?
“I agree,” she whispered, kissing my sweaty skin. “I’ll never stop savoring this. Never.”
A few days ago, she perched atop me on the couch after we’d playfully wrestled. Her hands on my chest, looking down at me with her hair spilling around her shoulders, her smile beaming so brightly I felt an answering smile lifting my lips.
“How many, then?” she asked.
“Children?”
“No, rats.” She giggled. “Yes, children.”
“As many as you’re willing to give me,” I said passionately, sliding my hand over her belly, cradling the place where there might already be a child growing.
She reached down and laid her hands atop mine, adding more pressure so I could feel the heat of her from all sides, her hand on the back of mine and her belly on my palm. She’s already getting so comfortable around me, no longer making self-hating comments about her appearance. Watching her grow into her full confident self is going to be one of the greatest pleasures of my life.
“Four or five sounds pretty much perfect,” she said. “But honestly, no matter the number, as long as they’re healthy and happy.”
“I agree.”
I sat up and wrapped my arms around her, and then we were kissing, lust erupting as it often does, prompted by the smallest interactions. Our desire for each other is always there, lurking beneath the surface, ready to leap up and take us over at a moment’s notice.
This afternoon, I stand on the roof of my apartment building, my hands in my pocket as I stare across the city. The sun shines down from a cloudless sky, and beneath me, the city sparkles.
Or maybe it’s just my mood.
Every day with my Autumn has been like medicine, curing me of my grumpiness, making me so much more optimistic about the way my life is going to go from here on out.
Before, I thought I’d spend it dreaming of the girl I met once, on a field trip to a national historical sight, wondering what could’ve been.
Now I’m getting ready to take the biggest step in mine – in our – lives, and my heart is pounding against the object in my inside jacket pocket. I turn, glancing at the helicopter, the pilots sitting in foldout chairs next to their machine, ready to take off whenever Autumn arrives.
I clench my fists and bite down when the word no rises in my mind like an arrow, the possibility of it making me cringe. But it is possible.
I shake my head.
No, no damn way.
We talked about this, during the date that changed everything.
We both view it the same way. We both know this works, that we work.
But when something as important as a life with Autumn is on the line, a man’s going to have more than a little concern.
My phone buzzes from my pocket, and I quickly grab it.
“Hello?”
“How you feeling?” Lex asks.
I chuckle grimly. “Good and bad. Nervous and confident. Pretty much like one big walking contradiction.”
“Well, it’s all ready.”
“I hope she likes it,” I say quietly. “Or is it cheesy? It’s cheesy, isn’t it? Maybe I should just talk to her.”
“You said it’ll mean something to her, remind you of when you first met.”
“I hope so. But I wanted the real thing.”
Lex chuckles. “Bro, it’s the Lincoln Memorial. No amount of money would’ve swung that on such short notice.”