It feels too premature to dive right in and grow with excitement again, even if I really want to. So instead of getting carried away I nod calmly. “Yes, I miss talking about it too. We can plan again.”
Tamara hooks her hand around the back of my neck and she drags me down until our lips crash together. I wasn’t even going to try to kiss her tonight but now she’s taken control. I have to admit I like it. As our mouths move in unison and my heart starts beating a whole lot faster, I feel an even deeper connection. God, I’ve missed this, I’ve missed her, I never want things to go this badly again, I don’t want this to end.
“Come inside with me,” Tamara gasps as soon as we pull apart.
“Erm…” I don’t know what to say to that. It isn’t what I planned but I don’t want to reject her either.
“Not for anything, you perv.” She giggles and pinches my side. “To plan again. I’m all buzzing and excited. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep after everything that happened last night. Please, don’t leave me alone.”
I can’t resist, that’s the problem. When she’s giving me those puppy dog eyes I find her impossible to ignore. I lean back down to give her a kiss before agreeing. “Okay, but it’ll be hard without my map.”
“Oh yeah, because the Internet isn’t the best resource ever.” She rolls her eyes. “Honestly.”
She dives out of the cab quickly as soon as we reach her home while tossing a bill towards the driver. Then she grabs onto my hand and she eagerly pulls me to her home. I can’t help it, I’m getting just as swept up in this as she is, even though I’m trying my hardest to keep myself intact. Now that she’s back, she’s infectious again. I can’t help getting dragged right along with her. I can finally freely think about my travels again.
“What time is it?” I chuckle while glancing bleary eyed to the clock. “We’ve been at this all night. The bright light of the computer screen is starting to do my head in. I don’t know how much longer I can keep looking at it.” I rub them to prove my point. “See? I can hardly keep them open!”
Tamara bounces up and down excitedly, not showing any sign of tiredness. “I don’t know but I want to do it all. I want to see everything in the world. You can’t honestly want to rest now? We’re just getting to the good stuff. Look, I want to show you what I’ve found in Bora Bora… we can swim with dolphins.”
“I give up.” I hold my hands up in a surrendering gesture. “I can’t do this anymore, you’ve driven me to exhaustion. I’m going to have to get some sleep before I crash. You’re too excitable for me.”
“Alright then, I’ll come with you.” Tamara wraps her arm around me while we walk into the bedroom, touching me with the same familiarity as she used to which feels wo
nderful. I love it. It might seem insane to someone else but unlocking those memories has really brought her back to me. I guess knowing our origins is useful, I just never understood how much until now. “Come on then, old man, let’s get you to sleep.”
She curls her whole body around me in the bed, clinging to me like a limpet and I hold onto her just as tightly. Today has been a roller coaster, it’s been an emotional whirl wind but at least it’s ended up this way.
“So, we’re really going again?” I murmur through the sleepiness. “The trip is happening?”
“It was never not going to happen, I just had to find myself first. And here I am. Back to normal again, thank goodness.” Her fingers clasp onto me even harder. “Who would have thought it? I’d almost given up totally.”
Her lilting laugh is the last thing I hear before I drift off into a wonderful, peaceful sleep. The first one I’ve had in ages. Tamara might think that she’s found herself, but she’s found me too. I feel rejuvenated, like I’m coming back as well. I’m out of limbo and looking forward once more.
26
Tamara
It takes a few weeks for us to really get back to where we once were, but it happens. Our comfort levels around one another grows and we get back to feeling like us again. It maybe doesn’t have that perfect sheen that I once felt with him but that’s probably a good thing. It isn’t perfect because it’s real and raw. I sort of know that we didn’t meet under the best circumstances but that’s okay because like Logan said we are still here, he has stuck around. He’s also been there through my darkest hour, bringing me back into the light.
I kept pushing him away and he’s stayed. That proves to me that he’ll stick by me through everything.
I lean across him, trying to grab his attention away from the television for just a moment. Now that we’re back to planning our trip he’s taken to watching endless travel documentaries. He’s obsessed. I like seeing that passion back in his eyes, it’s much nicer than the sadness. I can’t take any more of the sadness. Seeing Logan that way has been really hard on me, it’s made me sink deeper, but not anymore. Now, we’re free.
“That will be us soon.” He smiles and points to the TV screen. “I can’t wait, can you? With our tickets booked and the date of us leaving getting closer, it’s more exciting isn’t it? It finally feels so real.”
There are words bubbling up in my throat that have nothing to do with our trip. Well, not directly anyway. It’s something that I’ve wanted to say for a while but I haven’t yet gotten around to it. But there isn’t any reason I should hold my emotions back now, is there? There’s no reason I shouldn’t just confess all.
“I love you.” I don’t even fully decide that I’m going to say it until I do. “I love you so much, Logan.”
“You…” Logan pulls back to look at me. There’s curiosity in his eyes. “You love me?”
My heart picks up and notch and thunders wildly. I start to think that maybe I’ve said the right thing, it’s just so confusing with me and Logan, we’ve done things so back to front, I can never keep my head on straight. I just keep rolling with my instincts, whatever they may be, and tearing head first into all kinds of trouble.
“I love you too,” he finally declares as if he realizes that he hasn’t said it yet. “I’ve loved you for a long time.”
I suck in a deep breath of air and let his words wash over me. He really does love me I’m blown away. It feels incredible, I haven’t ever felt something so warm and powerful in my entire life. It makes me realize that this is how love is supposed to feel. I haven’t ever had it like this before and I’m officially in heaven.
“Who would have thought it,” Logan continues while he pulls me to him for a kiss. “Who would have believed that the crazy girl from the train would end up the woman that I’m in love with? I never would.”