It was pathetic.
I entered through the doors and made my way to the elevators, smiling when I saw my coworker Lana. “Morning,” I told her as she blew into the cup of sweet chocolate and coffee with a need in her eyes.
“Hey there, mama. How are you doing?” She asked as she handed me a cup of decaffeinated green tea with a rueful smile.
“I’m tired. I miss coffee,” I responded as the doors opened and we walked inside. I looked down at my belly, starting to show now as Perry’s baby kept growing inside of me. Once I took the test when I was away on my interview to find it was positive, I knew that I was going to take the job if they offered it to me. I didn’t want to inconvenience Perry with a baby, particularly since I’d assured him that I was on the pill. I knew that was stupid even at the time, but I wanted him so bad. I wanted all of him, and a part of me wondered if there was an immature part of me that wished for a baby. What was I thinking? He asked me more than once if it was safe, so I knew that he probably didn’t want to start a family. He was at a high point in his life with the company and not having to worry about a thing.
I had a good job that was tremendously kind when they found out my condition when I started the job. They kept me on and offered the insurance sooner so I could see the doctor as needed. I was given as long as I needed in the condo until the baby was born and I had some idea of where I wanted to go. I was saving a lot of money that way with the lack of rent, money that could help me buy a place if I felt brave enough to go to Perry to get it.
I left in a rush, not really thinking about the strings that connected us. There was the trust fund that my parents set up for me when I was born that was still doing very well. They had put away money for college, and Perry handled all of that for me while he supported me during school, giving me anything I could need or want. Perry was generous before we slept together, and I told Lana goodbye as I headed to my office.
I thought about the nights that we spent together a lot, wishing that it had ended differently. I got scared the moment we came home, too spooked to try to make it work. I had the perfect excuse to avoid it with the emails about jobs, something that happened much faster than expected. When I started to feel a bit off before I was scheduled to fly out, all my ignorance hit me like a ton of bricks as I knew I had to face reality.
That was why I took the pregnancy test in California. I could just be alone and cry my eyes out, so lonely and scared that it was tearing me apart inside. I sobbed most of the night, showering in the morning, and cleaning up for my interview. I wasn’t feeling the confidence that I projected but nailed it, and I was stunned when they offered me the job on the spot. It made sense to take it. I could fly home as planned and just come running back without Perry knowing about the baby. I didn’t have the heart to tell him, imagining his face as he offered to take care of us because it was the right thing to do. That wasn’t what I wanted.
I took a seat at my drafting desk and hung my purse up before setting the coffee cup on the table beside me. I had done a good job since being hired, in part because I started the job pregnant and felt like I needed to prove myself more than some of the others. It was also the way that I was and always had been. My supervisors were happy with me and assured me that I would be here for a long time to come.
It was a generous offer, but I still missed Perry. I slept because being five months along wore me out. It was a restless sleep, but I seemed to me able to nod off every time I sat down at home. I worked hard to stay alert at work, and it made me smile when my coworkers told me not to work too much since I had someone else to take care of.
I was finding out what the baby was in three days and I was so nervous. Finding out that it was just a single baby was a big relief to me since twins as a single mother sounded so complicated. I’d made some friends, but they weren’t close enough that I’d ask for a lot of help just yet. I didn’t get to go out and drink with everyone with the baby, although that was an excuse more than anything. I was always too tired from pretending how happy I was here. I loved the ocean but didn’t think any beach would be the same alone again. It just reminded me of everything with Perry.
Every kiss played through my mind when I tried to sleep at night, and the way that he felt inside of me was something that I’d never forget. It was the best feeling I’d ever experienced, and I knew that even with my hormones going insane with the pregnancy, I wouldn’t sleep with another man for some time to come. I had a lot on my plate right now, and I was just trying to sort through the confusion of being a single mother.
I missed Mom so much right now. She wouldn’t be happy that Perry was the father, at least I didn’t think so. She would still be here for me, though, helping with everything that I needed. I smiled as the other people that shared the large, open office joined me and we slipped into the comfortable routine. I worked steadily through until my break when I had a quick snack with Lana while she got another coffee. We went out for lunch a couple times a week as well, as I discovered what the baby liked as well as what they didn’t like. That was uncomfortable.
I left for the night, walking across the courtyard towards the garage when I thought I heard my name. I looked around, through the groups of people that were leaving for the day as well and didn’t see the man that I swore said my name. I barely knew any here. “Caroline.” I froze as the voice spoke again, all too familiar with it as I turned slowly to my right. Perry was there, walking towards me as I rested my hand on my stomach and whimpered to myself. He looked angry, and I pressed my lips together as he strode over with a scowl on his face. “I had to come here to find you. What the…” His voice drifted off as he glanced down to see my hand resting over my clearly pregnant stomach, and I watched as the color drained from his face. “Is it mine?” Perry lifted his eyes to my face as he searched it rapidly, reaching out to cover my hand as I stood frozen. “Caroline. Is it my baby?”
“What do you think?” I shot back as tears slipped down my cheeks. I was far too hormonal to act like this was all right, and he reached his hand around my back to pull me against him.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why were you hiding it?” His voice was filled with pain as I started to cry harder, breathing in his scent. “You’ve been alone all this time. Have you been taking care of yourself? Have you been eating well?”
“That’s all I’ve done besides work,” I told him as he led me to the side of the large fountain and held my face as he stared at me. He looked angry, sad and relieved all at once before he kissed me.
“I was so fucking worried about you when you never called. Is this why?” Perry asked me as I nodded. “Why would you do that?”
“I didn’t think that you would want us,” I admitted as he shook his head before pressing his lips to mine firmly as he seemed to take everything in.
“You’re crazy. I wanted to tell you when we were away that I was falling for you, but I thought I’d wait until we got home. Then you pushed me away, and all the jobs came up, and you were here, interviewing. Then, gone. You just left me, Caroline, when you mean everything to me.”
“You were falling for me?” I asked as I choked on my sobs, losing control of my emotions.
“I fell hard. I love you, Caroline.” I looked at him before I wrapped my arms around his waist and cried into his green t-shirt. “I want you and the baby. I don’t want to be apart. Should I start looking for something here?”
“What?” I asked as I stepped back to look at him. “Your company!”
“I’ll sell it. I’ll run it from here. Anything to be with you, Caroline.” He kissed me hungrily again before pulling away. “What is it? A boy or a girl?”
“I find out in a couple of days. Want to come with me?” I barely got the words out before he was kissing me again, his tongue slipping against mine as I tried to breathe.
“Yes. Are you kidding me? I am never leaving your side,” Perry told me as I pulled him down for another kiss. “Where is your condo?”
“How do you know I live in a condo?” I asked as he laughed. “You had someone look for me, didn’t you?”
“I was worried, heartbroken and bordering on crazy. I had to know something. Let’s get you and my baby some food and go there. I want to know everything about the pregnancy…every detail.” Perry said as my stomach growled, making us both laugh. “Come on. What are you craving?”
We got some Indian food, a new phase for me. Perry paid for the four bags and drove me back to the condo, unlocking the door to walk inside and look around carefully. I made my way to the fridge for some cold water for both of us before he brought the bags to the small bistro table. We did it like we used to, with just forks as we passed the containers back and forth.
I was crying again when I finished telling him everything. Perry looked devastated as he pushed the food away and ran a hand through his growing hair. “I am so sorry. I was scared, and everything happened so fast.” I took a deep breath. “I was never on the pill, Perry. I just wanted you.”