This time, there isn’t any point in arguing, so he gathers up his things to leave. Veronica takes him to the front door, apologizing profusely into his ear as she goes. I fold my arms across my chest and wait for her to come back because I’m pretty sure that we’re going to have a massive blow out when she does. I can’t help it, it really does feel like she’s doing this just to wind me up. She has to be, there’s no way she can want this.
Well, either way, it isn’t going to happen. I’m not a controlling person, but I won’t let her go to that awful place. Even the idea of her in Afghanistan makes me shudder violently. I will make her see my point of view, no matter what.
15
Veronica
I feel sick, this is terrible, it’s almost completely unfixable. I stare to the other side of the bed to look at the man fitfully sleeping there, probably having nightmares about how terrible the last few days have been. We’ve done nothing but argue, it’s been a constant never-ending round of yelling which rackets through my brain. Neither of us can seem to see the other person’s point of view and it truly is sad. I’m gutted that he won’t listen to me, it actually hurts. He’s been nothing but rude to Christopher as well which irritates me. That’s a man who’s supporting my decision to go to where I need to be in the world, he’s excited for this career progression, he gets it. I also don’t think it’s good for him to knock down someone who’s been my friend. It isn’t right.
If I’m totally honest with myself, I can see why Jordan might not be keen for me to go somewhere that he deems as dangerous. He hasn’t told me too much about his time in Afghanistan but I know he didn’t love it. I wouldn’t expect him to, I could have told him that much if he had included me in his decision in the first place. But he hadn’t, so why should I? That’s what I don’t get. I’m telling him right out what I intend to do and getting no respect in return. Even with all the safety protocols in place, he doesn’t want to hear it. It’s nuts. All I want to do is shake him, to wake him up, to talk to him about this in a calm and considered manner, but I know that won’t happen. We’ve become like strangers, tiptoeing on egg shells around one another, trying desperately not to make each other explode. Frustrated tears prick my eyes as I think about how agonizing my relationship is.
I don’t want this to be the thing that destroys us, but I have to do it. I’ve grown my career, progressed as a journalist, and this is just the next step in that. I’m not throwing myself onto a bomb, I’m reporting the news in a professional, safe way. It’s going to be absolutely fine. Plus, we’ll be in the same country! That has to mean something to him. Unless he doesn’t understand that because he isn’t the one who’s been lonely.
All those months spent wandering around this big empty house alone, aside from my weekends with Rachel, no I don’t want to do it anymore. Going to Afghanistan is the first big trip I’ll get to take and it’ll lead to lots more. I’ll be able to go anywhere in the world. I shouldn’t expect to start with an easy topic.
But since Jordan won’t listen to any of those reasons, I can’t exactly explain them to him. Each time I try to bring it up he just yells over me until I can’t hear myself think anymore. He’s utterly determined that I’m going to come around to his way of thinking. The more he yells though, the more I know this is what I need to do. He doesn’t have to understand it for it to be the right thing for me. I’m doing it anyway, and that’s that.
I slide out of the bed, trying to escape without disturbing Jordan, but I don’t quite make it. He bolts upright, shooting into a sitting position as if he thinks he’s still in the middle of a war zone, groaning loudly.
“What’s going on?” he grumbles. “Huh? What? What’s… where am I?”
His eyes fall on my face and I see his expression soften. For just a moment, I get a glimpse of the man I was with before all of this happened. I think I might even see some love there. Whatever he’s just woken up from it gives me a glimmer of hope. Maybe today will be the day we can actually talk about things properly. It has to happen soon, I mean I’m leaving soon, I’ll be on a plane all the way to Afghanistan. Nothing can be done then. I don’t want to leave with our relationship all up in the air. That’ll be awful, it might break us up.
“Hi,” I say quietly, feeling weirdly shy around it. “How are you feeling today”?
He parts his lips, almost as if he’s going to respond positively, but then he very quickly shuts back down again. I can almost see the moment that his brain switches back on and he recalls that he’s mad at me. The walls fly back up, anger crosses his expression, and he pulls the covers back up to his chin once more.
“Hmm, fine,” he snaps back, a tone filled with rage. “Just annoyed that I’m losing you, that’s all.”
I roll my eyes, allowing one single tear to stream down my cheek. “Please, don’t get into this again…”
“Why?” His eyes flash with pain. The agony in his gaze makes me feel bad, until the nest words come from his mouth. “Because you’re still going to go to Afghanistan even though I’ve told you not to?”
“You’ve told me?” I gasp out, unable to believe what I’m hearing. “You’ve told me, like you’re in control.”
“Oh, don’t throw the control card at me like that’s really how you feel. You know why I don’t want you to go, because it’s dangerous. I’m just trying to keep the both of us alive here. Can’t you understand that?”
“Us? Both of us? Like you aren’t going back yourself. You seem to forget that you went in the first place without discussing it with me first. I don’t see how I’m worse because I told you about it.”
“I gave you two years to get used to the idea. You haven’t even given me two weeks.”
“This has got nothing to do with that.” Anger bubbles and bursts in my stomach, I can hardly keep it inside. “You don’t want me to go because you don’t think I can handle it. You probably don’t think I can hack any of this. It’s like you don’t respect how far I’ve come in my career at all. It’s an honour to be asked.”
“I know you can handle it, Ronnie.” He says my work name like it’s something to be mocked. I think it disgusts him which is a shame because I’m proud of how far I’ve come. It irritates me that my boyfriend, the one person w
ho’s supposed to support me, doesn’t seem to care. “I see what you can do, but none of it’s you. You’re playing a character. We both know it. The sooner we both accept that, the better.
“A character?” His words sicken me. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You have not been here.” A nasty bitter taste swirls in my stomach, I can’t decide if my main emotion is hurt or rage. I guess it’s a terrible mixture of both. “Talk about playing a character, you are nothing like the man I first met.”
He reels at my words, recoiling under the weight of them. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean, he was supportive. He cared about me. He wanted me to do well in life. You…” I wave my hands up and down his body. “You don’t seem to care about what I want at all. You don’t even listen to me.”
He climbs out of the bed and looms above me. I stare up at him, fixing my eyes on his while I wait to see which way this is going to tip. My hands place firmly on my hips while his reaction takes place.
“If that’s honestly what you think, then so be it. It means you obviously don’t know anything about me at all. That changes everything about our relationship. It suggests that we didn’t ever have anything in the first place.”
I’m so stunned by his words that I don’t know how to react. Internally, I’m freaking out, wondering if this means he genuinely doesn’t want to be with me anymore, but I can’t get the words out. They’re stuck in my throat, mostly because my brain doesn’t really want to know the dreaded answer. I’m scared to hear it.