14
Jordan
My internal debate about what I want to do next rolls into the next few weeks. I do a lot of work at the nearby base to help out with the paper work and training, and it leaves me questioning a lot. Maybe I should change my focus and get into something that’s still with the forces but keeps me nearby. Being with Veronica so much has reminded me how much better life is with her. I don’t want to be in another country again. I might not be able to make a straight forward switch, but it’s certainly something I wish to begin exploring. I think it’ll be better for both of us. Coming back here and remembering that life moves on without me is a real lesson.
I let out a huff as I walk back into an empty home once more. That’s the only downside to being in the office. I seem to be back home early more often than Veronica is. I suppose she’s had to keep herself busy while I’ve been away, and she doesn’t want to sacrifice the amazing career that she’s built up now, but still, I miss her.
I wander almost aimlessly into the living room and I flick the television on. The news is playing, so I sit down to watch, just to see if I get a glimpse of her. I don’t know what she’s reporting on today, but she’s constantly on the move, recording these segments, so there has to be something. I really need to see her face.
My patience is soon rewarded as a report on a local bakery which has broken a world record comes to life. I suck in a deep breath, almost stunned as I see the ever professional ‘Ronnie’. It’s so strange to see her that way, she isn’t the woman I know, the one I love, the person I spend time with at home. I can’t imagine Ronnie ever laughing hysterically until she nearly pees herself, dancing like a fool in the kitchen to cheer me up when I’ve had a bad day or singing out of tune in the shower. That’s Veronica, that’s the woman that I love. This Ronnie is a character, and while I’m proud of everything that she’s achieved, I don’t know how much I like it. I don’t know how much I like her, she’s a stranger to me. From the way that she dresses, to how she acts. Even the posh way she speaks isn’t the woman I love. Her voice is all stilted, not soft and lilting like normal. It isn’t my Rusty.
I watch for a short while before flicking the television to black once more. There’s no point in watching Ronnie when I don’t really connect with her. I can admire her, but she doesn’t bond with me in any way. I might as well head into the shower instead. At least in there, I suppose I can have some more thinking time.
While the hot jets of water race over my back, unlocking my muscles a little, I think about heading back out there, straight into the war zone. Immediately, I stiffen up everywhere, the tension absolutely floods me. There’s even an ice-cold block of ice in the pit of my stomach as all the air squeezes out of my lungs, leaving me breathless. It isn’t a good sensation. If I think about being there, it makes me ill. I’m panicky, dizzy, I might even collapse because I feel so rough. I’m drowning, sinking under the water of stress, and it doesn’t matter how hard I kick I can’t regain control. The idea of being back in Afghanistan really isn’t a nice one. I don’t like to admit it, certainly not aloud, but I’m scared I won’t make it again. I was so damn lucky the first time, I didn’t even have that bad a time there, considering. I knew it while I was out there, but it didn’t become fully clear until I got back home. So many people I found myself in basic training with didn’t come out the other side, they all suffered injuries and deaths, which I don’t want to be me. The reality that I could lose a limb or even my head is all too real. I don’t want to die, not just for me but because it’ll destroy Veronica too. I couldn’t imagine finding love with anyone else, and I don’t imagine she can either. If I die, she’ll be left alone forever. I don’t want that.
No, I don’t think I want to go back. I think I want to remain here doing what I can from this end. It might not seem like the bravest choice ever made, but it’s the right one for me. I’m no good out there, leading men when I’m in such a mess myself. It isn’t helpful to anyone. What I need to do is find a new position, sort it out at work, then I can come to Veronica with the good news. I don’t want to get her hopes up in case it doesn’t work out like I want it to. Just because this is my choice, doesn’t mean it’ll happen. I still have to follow orders. If I’m commanded to head right back into the war zone, then so be it. My life isn’t fully my own. Being a part of the military means giving yourself over completely, even if you don’t always want to. I made that vow.
I do feel a bit lighter when I jump out of the shower though. I’ve been indecisive for far too long, at least I now know what I want. Or more, what I don’t want. That’s something to start with. I feel good knowing where my heart lies, so much so that I actually find myself humming to myself as I head to the bedroom to get some clothes on. I grab a baggy tee shirt and some shorts, before running the towel through my hair. Then I head back to the living room to wait for Veronica there. I hope she won’t be too much longer now, I can’t wait to see her…
Almost as if I’ve conjured her up just by thinking of her, I hear the front door swinging open. Glee fills me at first, until I hear another voice with her. I don’t want to be a dick, but I do wish it could be just me and her tonight. I guess I’m needy at the moment, I’m addicted to having Veronica all to myself.
“Oh, you’re here!” She does sound genuinely pleased to see me. “I don’t know if you’ve met Christopher before, have you? He’s the camera man I work with a lot. Actually, we can tell you the news together.”
I shake Christopher’s hand slowly while giving him a suspicious look. The reality is he’s been around for Veronica so much more than me recently, and that leaves me questioning him a bit. I’m sure he’s just a colleague, albeit it a handsome, rugged, blond haired surfer dude type, but the looks he keeps darting at Veronica have me concerned. She might not be able to see it as clearly as I can, but I think he might be into her.
“Hi, Christopher.” My gruff, primal side comes out. “I’m Jordan, nice to meet you.”
I can’t help it; my chest puffs out and I act like a buffoon. If either Christopher or Veronica notice it, they don’t comment, they take their seats with excitable shining eyes and continue to talk.
“So, we’ve just been signed up for a new and very exciting project, and we’ve come here to discuss it a bit. You don’t mind that, do you, Jordan?” I shake my head, dumb struck. “Okay, good. You aren’t going to believe it.” Veronica pauses, as if for dramatic effect. “We’re going to be stationed in the middle of Afghanistan. So, once you’re sent back there, we won’t be far away from one another. I mean, I know I probably won’t be able to see you much, I know that you have to keep your location all really private and everything…”
“A… Afghanistan?” I shoot back, my voice shaking with nerves. “Are you serious?”
Just as I decide to leave to spend more time with her she makes the ridiculous choice to go there? Right into the middle of hell? Directly into the war zone… I mean, who the hell would want that? I’m the one all concerned with leaving her to put myself at risk again, and she’s quite happy to throw herself right into it? No way!
“Yes. The station wants to be there for it because, well, that’s the best way to report the news, isn’t it?”
“Ronnie was so lucky to be chosen!” Christopher jumps in, imping up my anger. How dare he have an opinion on this? Who the fuck does he think he is? “There were many options, but Oliver wanted her…”
“You cannot go to Afghanistan,” I jump in, ignoring this man who I don’t know at all. His words mean absolutely nothing to me. As my cheeks flame and burn with anger, I just want him gone. “That’s crazy. I don’t think you have any i
dea what you’re letting yourself in for, you wouldn’t want to go if you did.”
Veronica looks taken aback, as if my anger is shocking to her. “Please, don’t talk to me like that in front of Christopher, especially not when I’m telling you something that I’m very proud of. It isn’t right.”
I’m sick of Christopher being here, he’s winding me up just by showing off his presence. The fact that he actually wants to go on this trip into hell with my woman only proves that he’s up to something. If this is some plot to steal her from right under my nose then I might just thump him in his.
“Christopher, will you just go already?” I indicate towards the door. “You can clearly see this is a conversation that me and Veronica need to have alone. It would be so much better if you could just get out of here.”
“We’re here to plan!” Veronica snaps, the tips of her ears turning bright red with rage. “We haven’t come here to be berated by you. So, it’s alright for you to go wherever works sends you, but not me?”
“You don’t have to go to a war zone, I do if commanded to.” I clutch my hands to my chest as my heart aches. “I’m saying all of this because I care about you and I don’t want you to end up hurt.”
It was a bad enough thought that I might end up hurt, but Veronica… no way I can hack that!
“Again, so you can put yourself in danger and not me? Why? Because your job is so much more important? If I do this, I can report the real story, I can control what’s being said. I’ll have power. Does that not matter?”
I’m all too aware of Christopher still in our living room, which is something that I need to with first. “Please,” I say to him, trying to keep my tone as controlled as possible. “Get out. I really need you to go.”