anyway.
Tears began to burn at the corners of my eyes, thinking about the life I had lost. None of this was fair, and now, I was facing this huge thing on my own. I leaned my head back against the seat and took in a deep breath, shaking my head.
Fuck it.
I could just raise this baby on my own, be a single mother to it, and when it was old enough, it could make the choice to find its father or not. It wasn’t the ideal situation by any stretch of the imagination, but I wouldn’t abort the baby. It just wasn’t in me to do that. I had made my bed, with someone’s diabolical push, and now, I had to sleep in it alone.
I started the car and pulled out of the parking lot, tears overflowing and streaming down my cheeks. I wasn’t sure what I was more upset about: Nathan’s blatant refusal to hear me out, the fact that I was going to be a single mom, or that my whole life was a complete and utter mess. I cried the entire way home. Then, I went inside and laid down on the couch, sobbing into the pillow. I needed to get my prescription, but I couldn’t go anywhere in that state of mind. I turned my head to the side and sniffled, listening to my phone vibrate on the table. I grabbed it, hoping it was Nathan, but it wasn’t. It was Lindsey, probably making sure I hadn’t thrown myself off the roof after the breakup.
“Hey,” I said, trying to muffle my shaky voice.
“Hey, sweetie,” Lindsey replied. “I was just calling to check on you and see how you were doing.”
I thought about telling her, getting the whole thing off of my chest. If she knew I was pregnant, she would surely tell Jordan, and maybe he would spread the news to Nathan. I swallowed hard, realizing that wasn’t the answer at all.
“I’m doing okay,” I said. “I went to the doctor today.”
“Good,” she said. “What did they say?”
I paused for a moment, trying to decide what to tell her. I felt so alone, but putting this drama on my best friend was not the answer to making me feel better. I thought up a quick lie and figured I would explain it later when the time was right.
“I have the flu,” I said. “Just like I thought. They gave me something for the nausea, and I am going to go get the prescription in a little bit.”
“I’m so glad that it can be fixed,” she said. “I was really starting to worry about you.”
“I just hope you don’t get sick since you were over here,” I said, making it sound believable. “You know how these things go, and I don’t want you laid up, missing work and preparations for the wedding.”
This was going to be my cover story for now, and I had to make sure that there were no holes in it. On top of that, if I sounded like an incubator for the plague, everyone would leave me alone for a little while. I just wanted to be alone, to have some peace and quiet to start thinking about everything. I needed a plan, and I needed one fast. My money would hold me and the baby for a little while, but after that, I had to go to work and provide for my child.
“I don’t want you to worry about that,” Lindsey said. “You probably were past contagious when I came, and if I was going to catch anything, I would already be feeling it. Besides, a little stomach flu might get these three pounds off my thighs that the photographer keeps bitching about.”
“I don’t think that’s a good way to do it.” I laughed.
“You’re probably right, but damn it, the squats are just not working,” she said. “And if I eat another bowl of dry lettuce, I am going to be growing floppy ears and a puffy little tail. Then the photographer will really have something to complain about.”
“You would be an adorable bunny.” I fake chuckled.
“I would,” she said. “Alright, I’ll let you go. Get that prescription filled, and get some sleep. I’ll check on you later, and if you need anything at all, just call me. I can run over to the house.”
“Thanks, girl,” I said. “Love you.”
“Love you, too,” she said before hanging up.
I put down the phone and laid my head on the pillow, staring blankly toward the window. My life had changed in the matter of five minutes, and I didn’t even know how to compute that through my little brain. I was shell-shocked and angry and every other emotion I could possibly have. Tears welled up again in my eyes and ran down onto the pillow. The only thing I could do was lay there and cry, letting the hormones escape through my tear ducts. Hopefully, by the time I was able to process things again, I would feel better about it all. Nathan had left me, and it was obvious I couldn’t change that, but now, I had to move forward, with or without him.
Chapter 16
Nathan
It was Saturday night, and I was out at the bar with John. He had been trying to keep me busy, get me out of my house, and move me forward, but I wasn’t really having it. I went out for the booze and to keep him off my back for a little while. I used to love going to that pub, with the music, the women, and the vibe it gave out, but as I sat there with my shot of whiskey, I looked around me in disgust.
All of those people were there for a purpose, to find love, whether it was forever or for just one night. They should wake up and realize that love was something we created to feel better about our lives. Love was just another way that we could inflict suffering and hurt onto ourselves, having the guise of emotion to blame our heartbreaks on when it all fell apart. And it always fell apart in the end.
The bartender walked up, and I took the shot, nodding at him to fill me up again. He paused for a moment, and I nodded to the car parked out front, letting him know I wasn’t driving. He wiped his hands and poured me another, looking at me with pity as he walked away. I wasn’t even trying to hide how miserable I was—or how drunk I was, for that matter—and I was pretty wasted. I had told John that I got to the pub just before him, but the truth was, I had been there and two other places that day. I started it all with a couple of glasses of wine at my house and moved over to the hard stuff by the time I reached the first bar. It seemed like the only thing I could do to stop feeling all of the things that were running through my head. I wanted to drink Amanda out of my system, but no matter how many shots I took, she was still there, smiling down at me.
“Hey,” a soft voice said next to me. “You mind if I sit down?”
“It’s a free country,” I said, not looking up.