She once said something to me, after I’d given her my best bullying tactics, that hadn’t left my thoughts. She looked down at me, with her pretty face and soft expression, and said, “Someone made you feel inferior once; that’s why you are the way that you are.” At the moment, I was angry. I felt her closing in. Hayley Smith was no fool; she saw right through me, and it made me panic.
But she was right.
I did feel inferior. Someone took the crown off my head and bent it before putting it back. Just like my father did to my mother. I promised myself I’d never allow anyone to treat me poorly or look down at me like I was nothing, but now look at me.
“Madeline?”
I blinked several times, breaking my stare. My moist, burning eyes gazed around the locker room, and I realized almost everyone from PE was gone. I was still sitting on the wooden bench, my plaid uniform clasped tightly in my hand.
“Madeline? Are you okay?” I gave my attention to Hayley, who was still getting dressed. She slipped her blouse over her black bra and started buttoning it up, tucking it into her plaid skirt, all while staring at me hesitantly.
I couldn’t pretend Hayley wasn’t beautiful in this tough, I’ve-been-through-some-shit type of way. Her chestnut hair barely fell below her slender shoulders, and her face was clear of any makeup, but she was still pretty.
Envy hit me square in the face so hard I turned away. I was jealous of Hayley, but it wasn’t because she was madly in love with my ex-boyfriend. It was because I knew she’d had a rough life, and I knew she’d been through really fucking shitty times, but she still came out on top. She was the nice girl. The one who people worshipped because they wanted to. Not like it was with me. I scared people. They followed me because I forced them to. Hayley was all things good, despite the bad. I was the complete opposite.
I finally answered her, still sitting in the same spot. My muscles were sore from playing volleyball in gym, but it was likely because I was just too tired and weak to recover like usual. “No, Hayley. I’m not okay.”
I snuck a quick peek at her, feeling indifferent with my not-so-subtle answer. The concern etched on her soft features had me backtracking. Why did I say that? I stood up quickly, still gripping my clothes. “But it’s really none of your business.”
She nodded, agreeing with me. “You’re right. It’s not.”
Good. Now leave me alone.
I turned around and began stripping out of my gym clothes, pulling my stockings on so fast I thought they might rip. The shuffling of feet had me biting my lip. For some strange reason, tears formed behind my thick eyelashes. I was blaming it on lack of sleep, but I knew it was because I was breaking. I was breaking in half. I was tired, physically and emotionally.
Going home later wasn’t even a relief. It was Friday. I should have been thrilled to have the weekend away from everyone at English Prep, but the weekends were almost worse. Hell was hell, no matter where I was.
“Madeline?”
A lump rested at the very edge of my throat. I didn’t answer Hayley, too afraid I’d either say something callous as a form of self-preservation or completely succumb to the weight on my chest and crack in half right in front of the one person who should probably hate me the most.
I almost wanted her to hate me. I basically craved the punishment that I deserved.
What was wrong with me?
“Madeline,” she repeated as I kept my back to her. I stopped fiddling with my skirt and dropped my eyes to the floor. The air conditioner kicked on with a buzz, a cold draft coating my cool skin. “Do you need help?”
My voice came out weak, and my face flamed with embarrassment as a result. “Help with what?”
“Are…” She paused, her voice closer. “Are you in some sort of danger? It’s just… I know what fear looks like. I know what it feels like. You’re afraid of something. I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your posture. I see the way you push people away.”
I tried to come up with some insult, something nasty to say to her. Something that would make her face tighten and cause her to flee the locker room, but nothing came out.
I began turning around. To do what? I had no idea. I wasn’t sure what to say or do, but for some reason, I had the urge to look her in the face. Maybe I’d ask her how she did it. How she came out on top after going through trauma. But a familiar voice had my spine straightening and my resolve falling.
“Babe? Are you still in here?”
“Yeah, give me a sec,” Hayley yelled back, but it was too late. Christian was definitely in the locker room. I could feel his presence. I quickly threw on the rest of my uniform.
“Oh,” he snarled. “Madeline.” He paused before spitting the words, “Get out.”
“Christian,”
Hayley warned.
I was still facing the lockers, unable to turn around to face the power couple of English Prep. I began threading the buttons on my blouse as his words rang out.
“What?” he asked innocently. “I could have said ‘get the fuck out,’ but I refrained from being mean—not that she deserves it.”