The whole bed is shaking.
“NO!!!!” Sean’s loud voice fills the room. “NO!!!”
I sit up in a panic and wrap my arms around Sean’s torso. I place my lips against his ear. “Shhh, baby. It’s okay. You’re having a nightmare.” My voice is soothing, almost a hum. He’s had nightmares like this before over the last couple months and my reaction always seems to calm him down.
The first time I did this, he hopped out of bed, taking all other covers with him, glared at me, and shouted, “The fuck are you doing?”
I responded with, “I am comforting you. Lie back down. It’s alright.”
He looked at me confused for a few minutes then hesitantly got back into bed. He later apologized for his reaction and explained that he wasn’t used to that kind of behavior. I expected that. This is why his initial reaction didn’t make me angry.
I know what it feels like to need somebody.
I know what it’s like to want to have that one person who can help piece yourself back together. Lara was that person for me. Well and Satine. The best thing about therapy is being able to talk about the things you’d rather not talk about to just anybody. I divulge a little to Sean here and there, but it’s not the same.
I know the whole attack wasn’t my fault. I know that it was just a wrong place at the wrong time sort of thing, but still I have moments where I feel so dirty. I can talk to Satine about these times and she never looks at me any different. She never judges me. Not that Sean and Lara would, but still. Sometimes the opinion of an unbiased thirty party is best.
Sean settles back underneath the covers and I scoot back into him. He lays his arm over my waist and kisses my shoulder blade. I feel his heart beat against my back and let out a calming breath. These moments between us are my favorite.
There’s no hidden agenda.
It’s not about sex.
It’s about love…
Tenderness.
And it feels so real.
Sean breathes into my hair. He lets out a soft hum while I stare into the darkness. I’m one of those people that has a difficult time falling back to sleep once I’m awake. “Sean?”
“Yes.” There’s sluggish tone to his voice that tells me half asleep.
I close my eyes. “Never mind.”
“No,” he starts, “no. Come on.” He groans and pulls away from me.
I contort my body, trying to make out his face in the darkness. “You’re tired. Let’s just go back to sleep.”
“Nope. You know I hate when you do that.”
This is true. He tells
me all the time he hates when I start to say something and don’t spit it out.
“Okay,” I tell him. “What was your dream about?”
I wonder this a lot. He has had these dreams often over the past couple months, but he never tells me what they’re about. In fact, there is a lot he doesn’t tell me and just once I want him to answer me.
“It was just a nightmare, Hadlee. A lot of people have them. Nothing to be concerned about.”
He’s lying. Sure, a lot of people have nightmares, but his are violent. One time he almost socked me in the jaw. “Tell me, Sean.” There’s urgency in my tone. “Tell me.” I wonder if he knows I’m not going to let it go until he gives me an answer.
His frustrated groan fills up the small bedroom. I watch him with an intense glare and he raises his arm and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Trust me. You don’t want to know.”
“Yes. I do.” I raise my voice a little bit so he knows I mean business.
“Hadlee, just drop it okay.”