CHAPTER 18
ASTOR
What am I doing? I hate lying. That’s all I do anymore. I should have told Cane the truth about the pregnancy test. At least I know he’ll be over the moon when he finds out I actually am knocked up. The way his eyes had lit up had made some of my nerves settle. It was short-lived because my thoughts kept drifting back to how my dad might react, and dread filled me.
As I make the drive back home, I have no clue what I’m going to say or how to even float this by my dad. I know Cane and I thought it would be a good idea to gauge his reaction to the possibility of me having a baby one day, but the closer I get, the more I think this might go terribly.
I think I have this small hope that he might get excited over it. I know I was wavering on my emotions of the possibility of being pregnant until I thought I wasn’t. The heavy rush of disappointment I’d felt thinking I wasn’t had really opened my eyes to what I truly want. That’s what made me wonder if maybe my dad may have the same change of feelings.
Stupid tears fill my eyes when I realize I will never get to tell my mom. She’d be so excited for me. She always knew my dream was to raise horses and be in love with Cane. Of course, I wanted the whole white picket fence and everything that came along with that.
Those dreams had felt so far out of reach for so long that I almost let myself forget them. After Mom died, everything started to slip through my fingers. Now it’s all starting to come back to me, and I don’t even get to be excited about that. Instead, I’m filled with worry.
Now more than ever, I wish I could ask for her advice. She always told me to go for what I wanted in life and not to let anyone stand in the way of that. I don’t think she ever thought Dad would be the one to do that to me because she also taught me to always stand with family. Even through the hard times.
I’m surprised when I pull down the driveway and see Marta’s dark blue Bronco parked out front. She’s been over a lot more lately. It’s made it easier for me to slip out and spend time with Cane without my dad realizing it. I also notice Dad laughs a lot when she’s around. She’s managed to get him to eat better lately too. The woman is a lifesaver for me right now.
I give myself one last look in the mirror to make sure my hair doesn’t scream that I’ve been at Cane’s house having sex all night before I hop from my truck. I decide to go in through the backdoor. Maybe he’ll think I’ve been out in the barn and not just getting home.
“Well, hey,” I say when I enter to see my dad standing at the stove. His wheelchair is pushed a few feet back from him. He’s got a spatula in his hand.
“Making Marta my fiesta eggs. She doesn’t believe that I make the best eggs in Texas.”
“He does. If you like a kick to them.” I give Marta a wave.
“Who doesn’t love a good kick?” She winks at me.
“How does it feel to stand?” I ask before sitting down at the small island to watch him.
“It feels good” is all he gives me.
“He walked to the bathroom himself this morning,” Marta adds in when Dad doesn’t give me more about his progress.
“Wow,” I say, impressed.
“Told him those exercises were what he needed. That he had to build up some muscles before we got him moving around more.”
“Clearly so. You’re a miracle worker, Marta.” My eyes fill with tears again. “I’m really proud of you, Dad.”
I’m guessing these pregnancy hormones are on overdrive because I feel as though I could burst out in full sobs at any moment. I can’t help but think of him walking normally again. Maybe one day even chasing after grandchildren.
He only grunts a response, which is typical lately. He’s pissed at me about the whole Cane thing. He wants me to share in his hatred for Cane. He likely knows we’re hanging out. I’m not sure he believes me when I tell him I’m going out to Scooter’s to help with something every time I leave. It’s not as though I have to report to my father like a teenager, but it’s clear I’ve been gone more. Especially now that Marta is helping.
I’ve noticed even though she’s spending more time here, that her weekly fees never go up. I’m almost positive that has to do with Cane. Even when she started, her prices were low. They were clearly bullshit based on her experience.