I swooned.
>
RoboCop said, “Excuse me. I have to go. Somewhere there is a crime happening.”
It was the best day ever.
Chapter One: Self-Doubts Can Be Cured by Blowjobs at Work
March 2, 2016
T-Minus 24 Days
“GOD,” I said, tearing off my headset and throwing it down on my cubicle desk. “If I could quit this job and never have to think about car insurance ever again for the rest of my life, I would be the happiest person alive. This is the worst place in the entire world.”
“What about Iraq?” my best friend, Sanford Stewart, asked me from across the aisle. “They kill you there for things like eating cake or wearing suspenders.”
I frowned at him. “I don’t think that’s quite right.”
“Have you been there before?”
“Erm. No.”
“Then you have no idea.” He took a nail file from his desk and began brushing it against his fingernails. “Trust me, Paul. I know what I’m talking about. I’m a drag queen.”
I was barely able to restrain the eye roll. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that that’s not how that works.”
“Of course it is. Everyone knows that drag queens are more knowledgeable than everyone else. It’s written in the gay bible. ‘Yea, and then God in all his fabulosity decreed that there shall be light, and that light came in the form of a man in a wig and killer boots. And it was good, and the world was brighter because of it.’”
I groaned and lay my head on my desk. “That will get you stoned in Iraq.”
“It’s a good thing we’re not going to Iraq, then.” There was a pause. Then, “Okay, spill.”
I didn’t have the strength to lift my head. “Spill what?”
“Paul Auster, don’t you dare try that bullshit with me. I’ve known you for far too long for you to try and get something by me. If you don’t tell me what’s wrong in the next five seconds, you are going to get such a spanking. And I promise it won’t be the sexy kind.”
I’m sure he could hear the smile in my voice when I said, “Really? And you don’t think the Homo Jock King would get jealous over something like that?”
“Oh please,” Sandy scoffed. “I do what I want to when I want to. Darren doesn’t get to say anything about it.”
I snorted as I lifted my head up. I slunk down in my chair, going against every company-wide e-mail I’d ever received on the value of being ergonomically correct. If someone saw me, I was probably going to get sent to yet another training class where I’d be shown how to sit in a chair correctly.
Honestly?
I couldn’t find any fucks left to give right then.
“Oh really,” I said. “Does Darren know that?”
Sandy wouldn’t meet my gaze, too focused on his fingernails. “Why are we even talking about him right now?”
“Because you’re in lurve with him,” I teased. “And it’s hysterical that you still get twitchy when we talk about it.”
I didn’t miss the way his jaw tensed. “I’m not in lurve,” he said.
“Yeah, okay. Keep telling yourself that, princess.”
“Ew. Don’t call me that. Mike calls me that. And you know how I despise him with every single fiber of my being.”