To be honest, I hadn’t really thought about it. “I was just going to have Teddy Ruxpin do it,” I admitted.
“Teddy Ruxpin?” Nana gasped. “I am so much better than that—that motherfu—”
“Language,” Dad trilled as he came back from the kitchen with a pitcher of Sharkleberry Fin.
“—motherducking bear,” Nana said. “Ask me how many weddings I’ve officiated. Go ahead. Ask.”
“Nana, how many weddings have you done?”
“None,” she said. “And how dare you deprive me of doing it for the first time. For my grandson no less.”
“Fine,” I sighed. “You can do the wedding.”
“Thank God,” Nana said. “Because I already wrote what I was going to say on my way over.”
“Even though you thought we were selling him as a child bride to someone from Vermont?” Mom asked, giving the table runner one more good tug before pushing herself to her feet.
“I’m opportunistic,” Nana said.
Mom took me by the hand and led me to the full-length mirror in the hallway. I gasped when I saw my reflection.
“I look so cool,” I breathed.
“I did good?” Mom asked.
“You did good. You’re my favorite right now.”
And then she teared up, leaning forward and kissing me on the cheek and nose and chin. “My little boy,” she said, voice cracking. “So grown up. Where has the time gone? I can’t believe this is happening already.”
I groaned as I struggled to push her away. “Mooooom. Stop it. That’s gross!”
“I’m allowed to get emotional,” she said, still trying to kiss my face off. “It’s not every day your son gets married. One day you’ll see what I’m talking about.”
“Argh,” I said, wondering if I could get away with kicking her in the shins. I decided against it, not wanting to ruin my outfit. She must have seen the look in my eyes, because she only went on for another minute more before she backed away, taking her shins out of reach.
“Okay,” she said, wiping her eyes. “Everything should be all set up and ready to go. When you hear the music, you can come into the room. RoboCop will be waiting for you.”
I nodded, and she smiled at me before she went back to the living room. I turned around and looked in the mirror. For once, I didn’t see a chubby kid that didn’t really have any friends. For once, I wasn’t focused on all the things that made other kids not like me very much. Today, I was wearing white, and I had a big hat and a train that flowed down my back.
“Suck it, Princess Diana,” I whispered.
And then I heard the opening bars of “Pour Some Sugar on Me” by Def Leppard, which Dad said was the only wedding song that anyone should walk down the aisle to. I had agreed wholeheartedly and was humming to myself as I goose-stepped into the room.
“Why is he walking like that?” Nana asked, standing near the table that was doubling as the altar. “Somewhere, Jewish people are feeling a disturbance in the force.”
“We just roll with it,” Dad said. “Also, it’s a Star Wars–themed wedding, so Dark Side and all that.”
“Ah,” Nana said. “Rolling with it. The tried-and-true method of parenting.”
The room looked amazing. There were Imperial streamers hanging from the ceiling, leftover from my last birthday party I’d had that no one in my class had come to. A huge wall sticker of the Death Star was on the ceiling.
My toys were lined up on either side of me, a veritable who’s who of the rich and famous. There was Lion-O. Boba Fett. He-Man. Rainbow Brite. The Ecto-1, with Slimer sitting on the top. The entire Smurf village. My Lite-Brite, lit up in the shape of a heart. Optimus Prime. Bert and Ernie. A Rancor. My Buddy, though he didn’t look too well, given that I’d gone through my hairdresser phase last year and had taken to him with a pair of scissors. Teddy Ruxpin, of course, but he was silent, as Nana would be officiating. I hoped he wouldn’t be too mad at me.
My speak-and-play RoboCop stood on the table next to Nana and my parents, waiting for me. He looked handsome for a man that was mostly a robot.
Dad turned down Def Leppard as I came to stand next to the table before Nana. My parents moved until they were standing on either side of me. Dad squeezed my shoulder and Mom blew her nose into a silk kerchief.
“Hello, RoboCop,” I said. “You look very nice.”