“On like a burrito or something.”
“It was spinach.”
“Anyway, he would have died had I not done the hemorrhoid maneuver.”
“Heimlich. It’s Heimlich.”
He waved his hand at me. “It’s all the same thing.”
“You almost died?” Dad said, sounding astonished.
I rolled my eyes. “No. Vince is being overdramatic. I was fine.” I knew what my parents were thinking about, and I didn’t want them to say a damn word.
“He wasn’t breathing,” Vince told them. “So I maneuvered him and he spat the burrito onto Sandy’s face. And then he could breathe again. Then I asked him out on a date and he said no.”
“I had just almost died,” I said. “You just shocked me, is all.”
“I thought he was being overdramatic,” Nana said.
“He almost died,” Vince said again. “So his life became mine, because once you save someone’s life, they belong to you.”
Dad nodded. “It’s an old Chinese proverb.”
“In Asia,” Vince agreed. “Then Paul hit me with his car.”
“What?” they all said.
“I didn’t hit him with my car,” I said. “He ran into my door on his bike.”
“And flipped over the door and landed on my back,” he said. “Then he saved my life by pretending to give me mouth-to-mouth, but really he was just making out with me.”
“He wasn’t breathing and you were trying to give him tongue?” my mom asked me. “Paul, I taught you better than that.” She shook her head as if disappointed in me.
“I was not! I thought he was dead!”
“Were you wearing a helmet?” Dad asked him sternly.
“Yes, sir. I always ride with one.”
“Good. So Paul hit you with a car and made out with you afterwards? What happened then?”
“Oh, for fuck sakes,” I muttered.
“Language,” Dad said.
“Well, my back hurt pretty bad,” Vince explained. “Paul must have been so worried about me because he called an ambulance after he got done making out with me and I had to go to the hospital.”
“You poor dear,” Nana said, patting his hand and shooting me a glare.
“I didn’t do it on purpose!” I snapped at her.
“Paul’s a butt pirate!” Johnny Depp screamed.
“It’s okay, Johnny Depp,” Vince called out.
“Pretty. Pretty!”
“So I had to go the hospital, where they told me I had a concussion and bruises, and even the doctor thought Paul should go out with me.”