“What’s that?” I ask, puzzled.
He arches an eyebrow. “That you love me.”
My mouth drops open. “I totally do not!” I growl as I punch his shoulder as hard as I can. He breaks out into gales of laughter and tries to get away, but I jump on his back, wrapping my arms around his neck, and he stumbles into the living room. I squeeze my knees into his sides and beat on his chest with both hands. He cackles, and I know I’m nothing more than a pesky fly to him when he’s able to reach back with one hand and pull me off his back and over his shoulder and onto the couch. I land on my side, and he falls on top of me, grinning his grin and the gold-green glinting, and he leans forward and whispers in my ear, “I totally don’t love you too, Papa Bear,” and then his mouth is on mine, and for a moment, that blissful feeling is back, but this time it’s accompanied by something else, something that feels strangely like the sun.
“SO BEFORE we get there, we need to talk about a couple of things,” I tell the Kid, trying to keep the nervousness I feel out of my voice. “Just so we have an understanding.”
He rolls down the car window and holds his hand outside, letting the breeze play across his fingers. His newly cut hair flips and flops across his head, and he looks at me expectantly. “Is it about you and Otter?” he asks plainly.
I nod. “I just want to make sure you know what we spoke about last night. About….” I grip the steering wheel tightly. “About how Otter is… he’s….”
“Your boyfriend?”
I sigh. This already isn’t going well, but it’s my fault. “How’d you know?” I ask him curiously, staring straight ahead.
I feel him shrug. “I just… I don’t know. I guess I picked it up after you and Anna broke up, and he was around a lot more. You guys weren’t really friends again before that happened.”
“That’s it?” I ask incredulously.
He shakes his head. “No, it wasn’t just that. I knew Otter was gay, and I knew that he loved you because he would look at you like he did. It’s how Anna looked at you.” I cringe, cursing God for giving the Kid the power to observe more than the rest of us combined. “And then I saw a few days ago how you looked back at Otter the same way,” he says, pulling his arm back inside. He crosses his arms across his chest and looks over at me accusingly. “How come you don’t tell Otter you love him?” the Kid asks. “Is it really so hard to say what you feel?”
“It’s not as easy as you’re making it out to be,” I say through gritted teeth.
He rolls his eyes. “Well, it’s certainly not as hard as you’re making it,” he retorts. “I would think that if you find someone who loves you as much as he does that you would do anything to make sure that they know you feel the same way. At least, that’s how I would want it to be.”
“Nothing is that black and white, Ty!” I say, letting my exasperation get through. I want to believe him that all of this is as simple as he says it is. But no matter how smart and wise he is, I have to keep reminding myself that he is still just a kid. A very grown-up kid, but the Kid nonetheless. “Things can’t be a certain way all the time just because you want them to be!”
“Why not? Why do people care so much who you love? You’re not hurting anyone, right?”
“Not that I know of,” I say, trying to keep the thoughts of Anna out of my mind.
“And you’re not doing anything wrong?”
“No, Ty.”
He throws his hands up in the air. “Then who cares? I’ll never understand why people just won’t let others be who they are. It’s not like it’s affecting them in any way.” He turns and frowns at me. “And until you realize that,” he says quietly, “how can you be fair to Otter?”
“It’s not just about being fair to Otter,” I retort, unsuccessful at keeping my anger in check. “If it was, things would be a lot easier than they are. I have so many other things to worry about, Kid.” Traffic slows to a stop in front of me, and I glance over at Ty. “I’ve never even thought about anything like this before, much less imagined myself doing it. This changes everything about me, and it’s going to take a long time for me to be able to deal with all of it. On top of that, I have to think about everything else that was going on before. Just because Otter is here and all this is happening doesn’t mean my life gets to stop completely so I can focus on him. I still have responsibilities. My job, our house. You. I can’t let this be the only thing I zero in on.”
Ty grimaces at me. “Don’t try to put me in the middle of this. I’m doing fine, thank you very much.” He stares out the window again. “Better than I’ve been doing in a long time,” he mutters. “Papa Bear, you have to have your own life too. If you can’t do that now, then when?”
It’s the same old argument that I’ve heard a thousand times before from what seems like a thousand different people. When are you going to do something for yourself, Bear? they say. When are you going to put yourself in front of everyone else? But I’ve never heard it from the Kid before, and it’s not sitting right. I’ve always counted on Ty to tell me the truth whether I wanted to hear it or not. He’s always been the one to say things that would resonate with me. That’s why it makes this a whole hell of a lot harder. I want to tell him to shut the fuck up and mind his own goddamn business. I want to tell him that everything I do and everything I’ve ever done has been for him. That I’ve spent the last three years making sure that he knows that at the end of the day, no matter if everyone else in the world has rejected him, that he still has me. To hear him… turn on me like this is akin to a betrayal that I’ve never felt before.
Maybe you’re so upset because he is the only one who
tells you the truth, the voice whispers. You’ve always been able to trust him to say the things that no one else would dare to mention to you. And that’s why it burns so badly, isn’t it? It burns and it blisters because if he’s saying it, if he’s singing that same old song, then everyone else would be right. And that’s why you’re really mad, Bear. That’s why you want him to… how did you so eloquently put it? Ah, yes: shut the fuck up. You want him to shut the fuck up because if he says it, you know in that secret place that it’s true. But the question you need to be asking yourself, that real question that nobody seems to be asking, is why one and all seem to be so keen to push you right at Otter? Why are they all so eager to see you happy? What have you done to deserve this?
I’ve done everything! I shout back. I’ve done everything I can!
It rumbles its mirth throughout my head. Then… what’s the problem?
“Bear?” Ty asks. “Are you okay?”
I wince as the voice in my head laughs again. “I’m fine,” I grumble at him. “Can we turn this off of me for a second and turn back to what I was trying to tell you?”
He exhales noisily. “Fine. Only if you promise to at least think about what I said.”
“We’ll see, Ty. But for now, I need you to promise me to keep what you know to yourself. There’s no need to be going around talking about it, okay?”