He took a deep breath. “I know. Are you coming now?”
“Let me drop the Kid with Mrs. Paquinn, and I will be over. Don’t let him leave.”
“Hurry,” Creed said, and then he was gone.
I ALREADY told you I drove like a madman through the streets of Seafare. I already told you that I jumped the curb and left my car running. I already told you that I ran up the stairs and burst into Otter’s room. You know what waits inside. What you don’t know is that as I blew through a stop sign (undoubtedly doing Mrs. Paquinn proud), I felt the tremors start again from deep inside me, the beginning of an earthquake that caused my teeth to chatter. I knew, though, that somehow this one was different. Whatever last vestiges I seemed to be holding onto started to shift and crack with the rolling of the fault line. The white noise, the lapping of the waves, the darkness of the ocean, all were getting sucked down into the chasm collapsing inside me. I knew that this was it, the final moment, where I could either go forward or back. I pushed the gas pedal down harder, just knowing what was waiting for me and that I was never, ever going back. I knew that without him, there would be no me. Naive, I know. Misguided, definitely. But it didn’t matter. I had learned my Very Valuable Lesson. I was the Hero of this fucking story. I was going to get my goddamned happy ending.
Ah God, how I should have realized.
NO PARKING. Shit. How many fucking people does Creed know? Where? Jump the curb. Phone makes noise. Voice mail. I’ll check it later. The Kid’s fine, I just left him. Just get to Otter. Put the car in park. I forgot the keys! The front door. The music is loud. Get out of my way! Sorry, sorry, sorry, excuse me, excuse me. MOVE! Where the hell are Creed and Anna? Stairs. Hallway. Door. OTTER’S ROOM. Knock first? No, just fucking go in. Maybe he’ll be—too late. The door slams open. Otter, at his desk. What is he thinking? His eyes are wide. Gold and green. God, he’s so beautiful. God, how I’ve missed him. God, how I just want—who the fuck is this guy? Why is he smiling at me? Why is he walking toward me? Why am I shaking his hand?
“You must be Bear. I’m Jonah, Oliver’s boyfriend.”
WELCOME back to the present. You’ll probably wish you hadn’t come.
I hold Jonah’s hand, and I hear Otter hiss something, but I can’t quite make it out over the blood sizzling in my ears. I want to raise my eyes to look at Otter, to get some goddamned explanation for this, but I can’t stop shaking Jonah’s motherfucking hand. His grip is tight, mine tighter. I want to break his fingers. I want to rip his arm off. I want to beat Otter over the head with it. Obviously, he doesn’t need me. He’s going back to California with him. I drop Jonah’s hand and spin out of the room, hearing Otter shout after me. I mean to turn right, but instead turn left, wanting to find Creed and bash his face in, too, for letting Jonah into the house. For fucking me over. I hate him. I hate them all. I hear someone rushing after me. Right as I reach Creed’s door and prepare to throw it open, I hear Otter shout, “No, wait!” I don’t and the door flies open. The room is bright, the music loud, but my vision is clear, cold, concise. The door opens, but Creed and Anna aren’t quick enough, the shout from Otter not loud enough, and I see their lips pressed together, Creed’s arms wrapped around Anna’s waist, her breasts pressed against his chest, and suddenly the last few months make perfect sense. Where Creed had been disappearing to, where he’d been going behind my back. They jump apart, but it’s too late. I’ve seen enough. My heart screams, my head screams, my body screams, but I stay silent. I want to move, but which way I don’t know. My eyes feel black, my jaw about to snap out of its socket. I can’t move. My feet are stuck to the floor. I want to leave, I want to leave so bad and just go away from all of this, go and drown in the ocean because wasn’t that last earthquake a lie? Wasn’t it just so deceitful? Couldn’t I just hear Creed’s words in my head? He said he needed—
there’s something i need to talk to you about
—to tell me something. He said that it—
everything’s fine
—wasn’t important. He said that it could wait. And at that moment, doesn’t Creed sound just like Otter? Don’t I hear the voices mingle and mix until its Creed and Otter saying—
i won’t talk to jonah again
—things that are sugar in my ears, poison in my veins? Don’t I hear Otter/Creed saying that he—
the fight for you is all i’ve ever known
—loves me? Has it all been leading to this? Is this what I’ve been waiting for?
JUST STOP AND LISTEN! it screams. DON’T DO THIS, BEAR! THINK ABOUT IT FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND! I shove it away.
“Bear?” Anna says, her face pale. “Bear, please, just listen to me for
a—”
“I was going to tell you!” Creed begs. “It just happened, and I didn’t know how to say anything—”
But that all disappears as soon as I feel his hands on my shoulders, his big hands, those hands that I swore would always be mine. “Did you know about this?” I ask, my voice an earthquake. “Did you know?”
There’s no question as to whom this is directed, and I feel his hands tense against my shoulders, squeezing painfully, and he leans forward, his breath hot against my neck, and I shiver involuntarily. This causes a single tear to fall from my right eye. “I just found out earlier tonight,” Otter whispers, pressing his forehead against my hair. To lean back into him would be so easy. So easy.
I step away.
Creed moves forward, but I shake my head in warning, and he stops, his face relaying the panic we all must feel. But his panic is laced with guilt, and it is my undoing.
“Did you know?” I ask Creed now.
“Know?” he asks, confused. “Know what?”
“About Jonah,” I grind out.
His eyes flash over my shoulder, and I know he’s looking at Otter. I don’t turn around. I can’t.
“Otter’s ex? What about him?” Creed asks, but then Anna jumps forward and whispers urgently in his ear, and as if it’s even possible, his face gets whiter still. “That was Jonah? Bear, I swear to God I didn’t know that! Do you really think I would have let him in had I known? Otter would never—”