“Is it?” Mom asked. “This certainly bodes well for today’s events.”
“I don’t think that’s quite what he meant,” Dad said to her.
“I’m maintaining a positive outlook,” she said. “Denial is such a comforting place to be.”
“Well,” I said to Morgan, “I tried to get drunk first, but some people wouldn’t let me.” I glared at my parents. And Tiggy. And Gary. “You know I’m much more tolerable when I’m intoxicated.”
“Wizard Spaghetti Face,” Tiggy reminded me.
“Okay, that was one time. And Betty and I bonded.”
“You called her a sexy grandma,” Gary said.
“In my defense, I’d had a lot of wine.”
“And you think that makes you tolerable?” Randall asked me. “Canoodling with elderly ladies?”
Canoodling, I mouthed at Gary, who just shrugged.
“Maybe we should consider a bit of a reeducation of your young apprentice,” Randall said to Morgan.
“Please don’t hit me!” I said, cowering away from him. “I’ll have your money by the end of the week. I promise, Randall. I’ve always been your best girl.”
“I fear it’s already far too late,” Morgan told Randall. “Run. Save yourself.”
“Sam,” Randall tried again, “I know that today is going to be difficult—”
I scoffed, cutting him off. “I’m fine.”
They all stared at me.
“What?”
“Sam,” Mom said. “It’s okay to not be fine.”
“Good to know,” I said. “I’m fine. You all act like I’m going to break down in inconsolable tears or do something stupid like interrupt the service when it gets to the whole speak now or forever hold your peace thing.”
“Well,” Gary said.
“I’m not. I wouldn’t do that!”
They looked slightly guilty, and I suddenly had a very bad feeling.
“And none of you can say a damn thing either.”
“Yeah,” Gary said. “Okay. Sure. Get right on that, kitten.” He batted his eyelashes at me, and I was almost ready to coo at him when I realized he was wiling me with his ways.
“You foul temptress,” I hissed at him. “How dare you try to woo me with your powers of beauty! I shall not be tricked!”
Gary preened. “Did you hear that, everyone? Sam says I have powers. Of beauty.”
“None of you can say a godsdamn thing,” I said, making sure to glare at each of them in turn. “We are not going to ruin someone else’s wedding day just because he should be marrying me instead as I’m obviously way cooler and have good teeth, awesome cheekbones, and a sunny fucking disposition.”
“His disposition isn’t very sunny right now,” Gary whispered to Tiggy.
“Oxymoron,” Tiggy said.
“Well said,” Gary replied. “He is a moron.”