“Ok,” I tell her as the lady at the gate clears her throat. I glance over to her to find her hand outstretched, waiting to check my boarding pass. I reluctantly hand it over while looking down at Tully. “Be good, ok? Don’t you go falling in love with somebody else.”
She smiles up at me and that one little smile is all I need to get me through the next few months. “It’s not possible,” she whispers, pressing up to her tippy toes once again and gently brushing her lips over mine. “I love you, Rivers.”
My boarding pass is returned and the woman indicates for me to pass, but I find myself hesitating, not ready to let go of my girl. “I love you too, Tullz. Just think of it as a vacation. I’m not at war, I’m not facing down the enemy, I’m on a tropical beach, living it up, and deep down, you’re just pissed and jealous because I didn’t take you with me, alright?”
“You’re an idiot,” she laughs.
I shrug my shoulders. “I try, but promise me, ok? I don’t want you thinking about the bad stuff.”
“I promise.”
With a smile, I look up over her shoulder and take in my friends and family all standing back and giving us the time we need to say goodbye. I give them all a wave and most wave back apart from Henley who wipes a tear and falls into Noah’s arms, right where she belongs.
I look back down at my girl, trying to convince myself to let her go. “I’ll miss you, Tullz.”
“I’ll miss you, too.”
With that, I lean in and press a lingering kiss to her lips. “Goodbye.”
As I pull away, I let her hand fall to her side and I take a step back. She goes to walk forward with me but Noah steps in behind her, holding her to him as she struggle to free herself from his grasp.
Everything inside of me shatters, but I suck it up knowing that she’ll be ok and with every last bit of willpower that I possess, I turn around and walk through the gate, not once looking back.
Chapter 17
One Week Deployed
Rivers,
I don’t know how I’ve managed to survive this past week. It’s honestly been the hardest thing I’ve ever suffered through. The second I got home from the airport, I sat down to start writing this letter, but I forced myself to put it off and wait, otherwise, the time is going to pass so slowly.
I don’t know where you are or what kind of things you’re facing. I don’t even know if you’re going to get this, but just know that I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I miss you so much already and I’m scared because it could only get worse from here. I promise you, the second you get home I’m probably going to attach myself to you, but that’s the risk you take when you play games with my heart.
I’ve spent the last week thinking about what I actually want to put in this letter and to be honest, I can’t figure it out, so I’m winging it. But it has had me thinking about the differences between you going away now and when you went before.
I think the first time you left; I wasn’t sure where I stood with you. There was still that question of if you were truly mine or if you were just with me because you knew it was your last chance. I hated you when you left because I didn’t know if I was ever going to see you again.
But this time it’s different. I know you’re coming home to me and for some reason that makes it so much harder. I’m not sad despite feeling empty, yet my heart is so damn full knowing that you’re coming home to me. I don’t know how to separate my emotions and understand them, but I’m sure as the time passes, I’m going to figure it out.
I guess all that matters is that I’m not broken. When you came home, you healed something inside of me. I was so stupid to give so much of myself to you before. You took my heart with you and I wasn’t able to heal without it, but things are different now. You gave it back to me and fixed it while making it so much stronger in the process. And now, I think I’ve learned to love you in a much healthier way.
I’ve never been so happy despite wanting to hate you for going to a tropical beach without me. I hope you’re getting sunburned!
I really hope you get this letter despite the fact that I was just rambling on about complete bullshit the whole time. I know you hate writing and I know how much you would have hated writing the last few letters you sent, but if you get this, put me out of my misery and write back.