My throat feels dry. God, what I’d do for a scotch on the rocks right now.
“I was sitting in a café. The lady beside me ordered a red velvet cupcake. Reminded me of this woman I was fond of… well, was in love with. At least I thought it was love, I think.” My thoughts and words come out jumbled. I sound like a moron.
“I hear hesitation surrounding the word ‘love?’” Hazel asks.
“I don’t think…” I struggle to get my words out. “I thought I loved Chelsea. She was my neighbor, and I was crazy about her. She’d tease me, taunt me, and I just took anything, any scraps she would throw my way. I was convinced I loved her, but I was seventeen. Who falls in love at seventeen?”
“I fell in love at seventeen… with my hand.” Jerry laughs.
Penny slaps her hand on her knee, letting out a huge roar.
“Ignoring your age, what feeling do you remember about her? What feelings do you associate with love?” Hazel’s questions leave me stumped.
“She was beautiful. She had long brown hair, the kind that looks like it belongs in a commercial for shampoo. It was so silky and smelled like vanilla. Used to make me weak in the knees every time I was near her.” I smile, remembering her fondly, something I haven’t done for a long time. “Chelsea was a daredevil, everything I wasn’t. It scared me yet excited me at the same time. It would make me so angry when she’d sneak guys home and screw them in her room while her parents were in the living room watching The Price is Right.”
“Sounds like my kind of girl!” Penny giggles.
“She liked sex, all right. Maybe too much.” The knots in my stomach tighten, leaving me slightly out of breath. “The night she died, I told her I loved her.…” Bowing my head, I attempt to fight back the pain threatening to invade every part of me. “You should’ve seen the look on her face. I had never seen that side of Chelsea it was like she was honored. I don’t know, I can’t explain it, but that face haunts me to this very day.”
“Haunts you or eases the pain?” Hazel asks for clarification.
“Both. Sometimes my memory of her face is so clear, and other times I can’t remember, and it frustrates me. Those are the times I can only see the flames.”
The group is silent for moments on end. Great, I’m the lunatic in here.
“It’s common for many people to forget the good and remember the bad. It’s important that you try to remember as many good things as you can. For instance, I try to remember every Sunday when my family would leave church to head down to the ice cream parlor.” She smiles.
“The same church where your family was shot?” Jerry asks in shock.
“Yes. Every Sunday for ten years we walked down that same path, and every Sunday was a joyous occasion until that very last one.” Hazel’s face doesn’t change, and I wonder how she can remain calm while reliving that disturbing memory.
I start to find my voice. “The nightmares plague me, the same scene over and over again. Chelsea driving the car into the tree, and the flames engulfing it before my eyes. The feeling of being helpless, watching her body dragged from the wreckage and hearing the paramedics pronouncing her dead. The only thing that stopped it was a woman I met named Charlie.”
There’s a cough in the room, but I’m too late to see who it came from.
“Tell us about this Charlie?” Penny places her hand on mine, conflicting me in every which way.
“She looks like Chelsea, beautiful, smart. God, she’s perfect.”
“And?” Penny waits in anticipation.
“She was in love with someone else. I had no chance.”
“Women think with their kitties, I should know, after all.” Penny flicks her hair behind her shoulder.
“Honestly, Penny, you’re such a—”
“It’s getting old, Jerry, much like your outfit,” Penny mocks.
I interrupt the both of them. “Charlie isn’t like that. She loves him, always loved him. You can’t compete if there’s no competition to begin with.”
“So, then why are you here?” Fred asks.
Million-dollar question. Why am I here?
“Because losing Chelsea and Charlie forced me to do drugs. I’m my own worst nightmare. I know I need to find a way to move forward in my life without using people to replace what I lost.”
Hazel places her hand on her heart. “My boy, you’ve just passed that first step, accepting what you need to overcome.”