“Got your attention, did I?” Jackson said with a small laugh, the warmth returning to his voice immediately.
“I don’t want to hurt her, Jax,” I said quietly. “I don’t know what I’m doing, and all this custody shit just makes everything a million times harder. It’s not a cop-out to want everything good for her. She deserves to be happy.”
“So do you, man,” Jackson said in a low voice. “That’s all I’m saying. You do too.” There was a pause. “And Henrietta agrees with me. Hold on, she wants to say something.”
I jerked up straight. “What?”
More shuffling sounds and then I heard Jackson’s mother’s muffled voice. “I want to talk to him off the speaker. Is it this button? Hello?” Then loudly, “Hello?”
I winced and held the phone away from my ear, a smile I couldn’t keep back spreading over my lips. “Hi, Henrietta.”
“Hello, Sawyer,” she said. “How are you doing, baby?”
“I’ve been better.”
“I know it, but listen to Mama. I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s sweet. You’re trying to protect that girl because you’re going through some hard times, and they might get harder, right?”
“I don’t have anything to offer her, Henrietta.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, honey. No one expects you to be okay through this situation. It could get rough, no lie. But when things get rough, that’s when you draw people to you. You don’t push them away. And the lovely Darlene? She can take all your rough times. She’s been through rough times of her own, I’ve heard. She’s not expecting you to get it all right the first time because she won’t either. But reach out, baby. Reach out and hold on to those you need, because they need you too more than you think. And that’s how you get through the rough stuff. You hold on and don’t let go. Okay?”
I nodded, my jaw clenched. “Okay.”
“Good,” Henrietta said. “Now you go be with your woman. Don’t worry about what to give or not give. Just be with her. Sometimes that’s more than good enough.”
“Thank you, Henrietta.”
“Any time, baby. I’m going to give you back to Jackson and you two had better watch your language this time. You sound like a pair of fools with all that swearing.”
I grinned. “I didn’t know there was a lady present.”
“Well, now you know.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
More scuffling and muffled talk, then Jackson put me back on speakerphone.
“Hello? Who’s this? Sawyer? Are you still there?”
I laughed. I didn’t think it was possible, but I laughed. “I’m going.”
“Good.”
“Hey, Jax…” My damn throat closed up. “I…”
“I know,” he said. “Love you too, bro.”
I hung up and heaved a sigh that felt miles deep. And though it felt a little bit like lowering my guard, I decided to do something I hadn’t done in almost a year. I crawled into my bed without setting an alarm, and tried to take a nap.
But as exhausted as I was, sleep eluded me. I tossed and turned on cold sheets. My bed had always been empty. Even in the past, when I’d had a woman in it, it was only for a few hours. No sleep, just sex and then the woman left. I made sure of that.
I closed my eyes and used my infallible memory to recall Darlene, in perfect detail. A few tricks of mental Photoshop, and she was lying next to me, her dark hair splayed across my pillow, her mouth inches from mine—laughing and smiling…
I slipped into the twilight world between sleep and awake, and the image of her wavered like a mirage, just out of reach.
When I finally did fall asleep, it was fitful, skimming above the surface of deep rest, and when I awoke, the bed was still empty.
Sawyer