I’m at a loss for words. And I’ve never felt this way before. Just yesterday, I wanted to rip this girl to pieces. But what I didn’t realize was that she is already ruined. She just hides it much better than I ever could.
I bend down and slide an arm under her legs and pick her up. I sit down on the lounge chair, and she curls up against my chest.
I look up at the cloudy sky, and my teeth clench. I don’t like situations I can’t control. And her mother and boyfriend back in California is something I can’t do anything about. Same with Bruce. What if he decides to say fuck our deal and send her back? What the hell do I do then? I can’t let her go. Not back to those worthless pieces of shit.
She calms her breathing and shifts in my lap, sitting up. I reach up and wipe the tears away from her face. And I feel guilty that I still find her gorgeous when she cries.
“You can go,” she says, standing up and dismissing me.
I grab her arm and stand as well. Cupping her face, I stare down into her watery eyes. I hold her cheek, but she looks away from me, biting her bottom lip. You can see the shame written in her eyes. She hates that she made herself look so weak in front of me. That I got her to break so easily.
I love it. Finally something that I can use to get close to her. To make her trust me more. Need me more. No more of this back and forth shit. Even though I liked her fight, I like this more. Holding her. No one has ever needed me before other than Lilly. And that’s a different kind of need.
But as her eyes come back up to mine, I realize that Becky was right. If she asked me to, I would burn this town to the ground for her. No matter who is standing in my way.
I press my lips to hers, needing her as much as she needs someone to protect her from her mother and the boyfriend.
And you.
I’m no better. I hurt her in other ways, and no matter how much I know it’s wrong, I can’t seem to stop.
She parts her soft lips and I kiss her gently, tasting her tears once again and they make me hard. I ignore my want to throw her to the lounge chair and rip off her bikini. Instead, I want to show her that I can be better. That I can be the one to save her. Even if it’s a false sense of security. Because I’m not the one who saves. I destroy.
She pulls away from me first. My hands drop to my sides, and she wraps her arms around her waist as if she’s protecting herself from me. Her instincts tell her I’m no good. That I would be no different from any other bastard who has hurt her. “Please go,” she says, averting her eyes.
For once, I do as she asks.
_________________________________
Not gonna lie. Wednesday sucked not having her here at school with me. I like that I can kiss her and touch her whenever I want, but I haven’t spoken to her. I still don’t know what to say. I know better than anyone that words don’t change the past or heal the scars any faster. And I’ve never been one for chitchat.
Thursday hasn’t been any different. The day has gone by agonizingly slow. It feels like six in the evening, but it’s only lunchtime.
Deke is cramming food in his mouth like usual. Becky is scrolling through her phone, and I’m just sitting here thinking about Austin. About how I could be taking advantage of her three-day suspension. I could be in bed with her right now. Naked. My hands in her hair, her lips on mine. And the thought makes me hard.
“Hey, Cole.” Kaitlin Milton plops down beside me. Head cheerleader. Also a pain in my ass.
“Excuse me?” Becky says, placing her phone down.
Kaitlin ignores her. “I was wondering if you’re free tonight,” she asks, running her fingers down my arm.
“Excuse me!” Becky slaps her hands on the table and leans over it. “Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?” she snaps.
Kaitlin throws her a hard look, tossing her red hair over her shoulder. “I wasn’t talking to you, bitch.”
“Oh, that’s it …” She goes to crawl across the table, but Deke finally looks up from his food and grabs her arm, pulling her back to her seat.
“Not interested,” I tell her, pulling away from her touch.
She looks back at me and giggles as if I just told a joke. “Come on, everyone knows that what’s going on between you and that Ashley girl …”