Sean's look spoke volumes. 'You're seriously trying to tell me that you haven't been with a woman for two years?'
Ben's dark brows settled into an ominous frown. 'What business is that of yours?'
'I'm your friend,' Sean reminded him, 'and I want to see you get your life back together. Maybe it would help to meet a decent woman and—'
'Sean, listen to me.' Ben's voice was tired. 'I know you think women solve everything, but in my case you're wrong. My life is fine and I'm certainly not a good deal for any decent woman.'
Sean looked genuinely bemused. 'Well, why the hell not? According to Ally, you're stunningly good-looking—' He broke off as he considered the implications of what he'd just said. 'I grilled her over that, by the way. I'm not at all keen on the fact my wife freely admits to finding you irresistible.' He shook himself slightly. 'A
nyway, that aside, apparently you're the original macho action man and women love that, you've got money, you—'
'I never realised you felt this way about me.' Ben's tone was dry and his friend waved a hand.
'Relax. I prefer blondes. You're not my type.'
Ben gave a short laugh. 'I'm not anybody's type. Not if they've got any sense. I don't have anything to offer anyone. I'm not claiming to have lived like a monk, but I can honestly say that I haven't felt anything for a woman for two years.'
And he doubted whether he'd ever feel anything again. It was as if he was dead inside. Even the few flings he'd had hadn't really worked for him. Usually because the woman he was with so obviously wanted more than he was able to give.
Which was nothing more than brief physical satisfaction.
Sean looked at him. 'Give it time. It's grief that makes you feel that way.'
Grief?
Sean made it sound so simple, but Ben knew that it was so much more than grief that had locked his emotions inside himself. It was anger, too. Anger and bitterness and guilt.
Oh, yes, definitely guilt.
But Sean didn't know any of that, of course, and why should he? Ben wasn't in the habit of discussing his feelings with anyone. What was the point? It wouldn't change what had happened.
And as for giving it time—well, it had been two years already. He'd given it more than enough time and nothing had changed. He still felt the same way as he had when it had first happened. As far as he was concerned, time had healed nothing.
'How was Pakistan?' Sean changed the subject neatly and Ben accepted the change readily.
'Interesting. Challenging. Hard work.'
'Good.' Sean nodded briskly. 'A bit like the job here, then.'
The job.
Ben opened his mouth to say that he didn't think he could do it but the words didn't come out the way he'd planned. 'So when do you want me to start?'
He listened to himself and almost laughed.
What was he saying? Was he crazy?
He didn't want to start at all. He wanted to turn around and walk out of the department the way he'd come without bothering to look back. Not submit himself to torture.
On the other hand, maybe it was time to face his demons.
'You saw the waiting room. How about now?' Sean gave a wry smile and fingered the stethoscope around his neck. 'Only joking. The day after tomorrow will do fine. That should give you time to settle into the place I've found for you to live. It's great. You'll love it.' He reached into his drawer and pulled out a set of keys and a map.
'A log cabin in a forest. It's easy enough to find but watch the roads. The weather has been filthy for almost twenty-four hours and there's no sign of it letting up. Some of the roads are flooded and there are trees down, so go easy.'
Ben glanced out of the window. 'After some of the roads in Pakistan—or rather the lack of them—I can cope with the Lake District. But I'm in no hurry, Sean. Why don't you show me round while I'm here and then I can get straight on with it the day after tomorrow?'
'You're not dying to go and clean up?'