The doctor called me to say he was reviewing my chart and he found an anomaly in what he had written down, so he needed me to come back in for an exam. Rafe brought me, this time without Sin, and the doctor let me see the baby on the ultrasound screen again. Added another few minutes of runtime to my DVD and made me a happy girl. He also gave me another pelvic exam and discovered, somehow, what he had taken for uterine weakness must have been something else, because my uterus was strong, healthy, and fully capable of holding the baby safely if I wanted to start having sex again.
That should have been a relief. It certainly was for Rafe, but while he looked like a dying man someone had just healed, I felt dread sink inside me. The weak uterus bought me several days, but I thought it was going to buy me several weeks—at minimum. I had a whole plan in my head, and I budgeted the time. No longer racing against the calendar, I could go at my own pace. I would surely get over Sin—since I only spent days with him—in a few weeks.
But suddenly, I have no more days. Rafe was immediately more affectionate, but that sort of annoyed me. Sex is great, but it isn’t everything. These past few days when he knew he wasn’t getting sex, he has been markedly less affectionate with me, and I definitely noticed. Sin knew he wasn’t getting sex out of me (his choice, not mine) and he found me no less interesting.
So, while a few nights ago I felt closer to wanting to sleep with Rafe, the days since the first doctor’s appointment have made me want him less, not more. I also really wanted him to be more excited about the baby after that appointment. It changed everything for me, and if he had responded with some kind of eagerness at the prospect of us having a baby together (and kept up the same affection, like the night he gave me the massage and talked to me in bed) then I think I would be willing to sleep with him now that the doctor has cleared me.
But he didn’t.
If it all comes back now that he can have sex with me, it will feel insincere. Will he lose interest in me all over again when the baby is born and I can’t have sex for several weeks? His interest now just doesn’t feel real or dependable, and as much as I try not to compare him to Sin, I can’t help comparing. Back in Chicago after Easter, I compared the guys I met to Rafe and found them lacking, but now I compare Rafe to Sin, and… well, he doesn’t stack up. As a man, yes, Rafe is absolutely appealing. If I had never met Sin, or I hadn’t met him until I was already in love with Rafe, maybe I wouldn’t feel this way. But I did, and I do. At the end of the day, no matter how attractive Rafe is, I don’t think he will ever compare to Sin in my eyes.
Because of all that, I no longer want to sleep with him, and I can already see that’s going to be a problem.
So, on the way home from that appointment, I text Mia. I tell her that I don’t think things are going to work out in Vegas, and ask if she is positive about her offer to let me stay at her house for fall semester. I already sent her the video of the ultrasound and she freaked out about how cute it was with me. I guess you just need a fellow girl for that, because neither of the guys were adequately excited. She didn’t find it at all odd that Sin was at the appointment with me to record the video, but when I sent it to Carly, she did.
“He invited one of his thugs into the exam room with you??” she demanded.
With misplaced indignation, I informed her, “Sin is not a thug!”
Which I guess is a lie. Sin is technically one of Rafe’s thugs, but he’s so much more than that, so it feels like an insult to refer to him that way.
I have yet to explain Sin to my sister. I don’t think she would like him, and I will want to jump all over her about it, so I’m just avoiding telling her. Not to mention, as much as Sin still occupies so many of my thoughts and so much of my heart, it doesn’t seem to matter. We have no future together, so it’s irrelevant.
My future is in Chicago, apparently.
Maybe I really will end up with Alec.
The thought makes me smile with wry amusement, but men are the last thing on my priority list. If Chicago ignited my interest in them, Vegas has just about cured me.
“Who are you texting over there?”
I glance at Rafe in the driver’s seat. “Mia.”
“Are you two best friends now, or what?”
I shrug. “She’s easy to talk to. Normally I talk to Carly about everything, but I can’t talk to her about you. She already doesn’t like you, so she’s too biased. Mia likes you, so I don’t feel the need to protect you when I’m talking to her.”
His lips tug up in a faint smile. “So, you’re complaining about me. What did I do now?”
“I didn’t say I was complaining about you.”
“I’m not a moron, so I was able to deduce that from what you just said.”
I sigh. “I’m not complaining about you.” I’m not sure now is a good time to tell him I’m hauling ass back to Chicago, but I have to offer him something. “You’ve been less attentive since the doctor told us we couldn’t have sex. I was inquiring as to whether or not Mateo loses interest in her in the post-baby days when she can’t have sex, and if so, how does she not resent him for it. Turns out, he likes her whether he can fuck her or not, so she can’t help me.”
His smile falls and he looks caught somewhere between alarm and offense. “I did not lose interest in you because I couldn’t fuck you.”
I hike up my eyebrows. “Really? Sure felt like you did.”
Now he frowns slightly, reaching over and resting his free hand on my thigh. “No, of course not. I’m not that big of an asshole.”
“Well, that’s how it felt. Don’t take this the wrong way, but if you don’t agree with me, this is not the first time since I arrived in Vegas you have been in denial. Remember when I told you I was pregnant and you didn’t believe you were the daddy? I’m not really an insecure woman, and I have felt distance from you since that appointment. If it wasn’t the sex, maybe seeing the baby freaked you out. Maybe it’s something else I’m just not privy to. I don’t know. Something happened. You backed right off. You can deny it all you want; I know what I’ve felt. I know how guys act when they withdraw, and I know when they deny acting that way, they’re just being dicks. You aren’t the first guy who has ever made me feel unwanted, just the first one I didn’t dump immediately when I realized how shitty he was making me feel about myself.”
Rafe is quiet for a long time after that. Men hate being called out on their shit, so I’m not surprised. I’m not even disappointed. It is what it is, I’m just not going to sit here and keep my mouth shut so he can put all the blame on me later for this not working out.
I’m not sure the blame needs to be on either of us, honestly. I think this isn’t working for bigger reasons than incompatibility—I actually think we are compatible on many levels, and under different circumstances this relationship might have blossomed into something great. Namely, if I had fallen in love with him. The ability to tolerate the ugly side of a person and still love them only comes after you’ve fallen for them. I know Sin is an asshole who plays games with my mind—which should make him far worse than Rafe, who simply loses interest in my company if he knows I’m not going to get him off—but it doesn’t change my feelings for him. Seeing Rafe’s ugly side before falling for him has made falling for him much harder. This is the opposite of how dating and relationships should work.
I read a book about the nature of love once, so I know it’s not magic, I know there are logical, scientific explanations for the way I’m feeling or not feeling, they just don’t matter. You can’t logic yourself into love, you have to fall, and Rafe is not touching my triggers. There is no release of dopamine in his company. His hand on my thigh doesn’t rain oxytocin down upon me. Meanwhile, if I hear Sin’s name, I feel a clenching in m