“Weekly dinners, and we never go a month without spending time together as a family. We’re all busy, me included, and it wouldn’t be fair to my mom to make her lose out on her movie roles. If my dad is off, we’ll fly to her. I’ll make it work with my manager.”
“I’d like that,” Mom says.
“Very much,” Dad adds.
We spend another ten minutes talking with Dr. Rosenberg before she rises to signal the end of the session. I offer to give my parents a tour of the grounds, take them out to the stable, but they decline. I get it. While I’m comfortable here, they’re not.
I walk them toward the entrance and give them both long, lingering hugs. They tell me they’ll see me next week, when they come to pick me up.
Pick me up. Words have never felt so good in my head. I’ll be out of here in a week, barring any unforeseen setbacks.
Now I have to ensure that Kim will be coming with me, or at least agreeing to see me outside of here.
Chapter 14
Bodhi
This is it—my last group session. We’re sitting outside in the shade of some trees. If I’d been expecting something to mark the occasion, I would be totally depressed right now. Dr. Rosenberg hasn’t said a thing about me leaving today, and neither has Kim. I guess deep down I thought Dr. Rosenberg would at least announce in group that today is my last day, that I’m graduating from the program. But nothing.
With Kim I’m hoping her silence is because she’s upset or busy and not because she doesn’t like goodbyes. I’ve never had a goodbye that has been meaningful. With my parents, they were always leaving, and it was something I was used to. Leaving Kimberly, though…I’m not sure how well I’m going to be able to cope with that.
I have never spent so much time with one person. Almost every day for the past thirty days I have seen her and talked with her about life, and for the past three weeks I’ve snuck into closets, the woods, and even behind the shed to be with her, to hold and kiss her.
But I have yet to find the words to tell her how I feel or let her know that I want to be with her when I leave Serenity Springs, that my life won’t be the same without her in it. Leaving tonight is not an option unless I know I’m going to see her, unless I know that someday very soon she’ll be walking hand in hand with me where the world can see that I’ve fallen for her. The drive from Los Angeles to San Diego isn’t that bad and one I can easily make to accommodate her schedule.
Since Kimberly introduced me to the guitar, I’ve been practicing. It’s not much, but I’m trying to master the two chords she taught me. One of the changes I want to make going forward is to learn the instrument so I can contribute to Virtuous Paradox more. I think that when I tell Carson, he’ll be excited and want to teach me. I’ll be working with a voice coach too, because of something Dr. Rosenberg said in our last group session about being responsible for your surroundings. I know she was talking about drugs and alcohol, but I’m trying to apply it to my career as well. I already know it’s going to be a struggle to separate myself from the after-parties, because those are required for the job. I can already see myself sitting by the door with water in my hand, ready to make a quick exit.
I’m at Serenity Springs not because of booze but for coke. No one has said that I can’t drink, but I feel like alcohol and drugs go hand in hand for me. If I have too many drinks, I may crave coke or get so blitzed out of my mind that I do it. I’m not saying I’m cured. I’m not saying I never think about the exhilaration I get from snorting. I’m saying that my life is important and there are things I want to do with it. Drugs don’t mix with that.
Kimberly walks by our group session and our eyes meet. I can’t even begin to describe what the sight of her does to me. Just the vision of her blond hair and blue eyes stirs my insides, and when she’s near or we’re touching, it feels as if she’s burning herself into my being. The feeling is indescribable. She alone has been worth the stint in rehab.
When she’s out of sight I focus my attention on Dr. Rosenberg, who says we’re going to talk about our relationships waiting for us back home and the repairs we have to do. My parents have been here and we even had that session together, so we’re good. Brayden and Carson, as far as I know, don’t have a clue where I am, although I’ll probably tell them. The only other person I need to see is Aspen, but I’m not strong enough for that yet. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hide from her, but I’m going to try. Being at my parents’ will help, though.
“If you were single when you arrived, it’s better to stay single for a while when you return home.” Dr. Rosenberg’s statement catches me off guard. I know there’s no way I heard her correctly. Why would we stay single?
“I’m sorry, but can you explain your statement?” I say, only to have everyone turn and look at me.
“It’s simple, Bodhi. Even though you’re no longer here, the healing process isn’t done. Let’s take you, for example. When you leave, you’ll be returning to work, which is a high-stress job with long hours. It’s that stress and workload that had you looking for help in the first place. You’ll need to learn to function with a clean mind and sense of being, and in order to do that you should refrain from getting involved in a relationship.”
“But what if I like someone and want to date them?”
“Were you dating before you arrived at Serenity Springs?”
I shake my head. “No, I wasn’t, but I’m hoping things will change starting tomorrow.”
Dr. Rosenberg sits back in her chair and looks at each member of the group before finally setting her eyes on me. “New relationships can be stressful. There are expectations and demands when everything is new. Those can be triggers, and for that reason I don’t recommend them, especially in your situation, Bodhi.”
And there it is, my doom, because standing right behind her is Kimberly, her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open. She recovers quickly, but not before I see her features change from shock to sorrow. I dig into the ground and grab clumps of earth to keep from calling out to her. I should get up and chase her, tell her that I don’t give a shit about what Dr. Rosenberg says because the way Kim makes me feel is a million times better than any drug.
I become antsy, waiting for our session to be over. Unfortunately, today seems to be the day when everyone wants to fucking share. My eyes keep wandering, trying to catch a glimpse of Kimberly. The first place I’m going to look is her office, and then I’ll try her apartment, even though I haven’t been back there since our fateful day in the closet. After that I don’t know where to look, because honestly, she knows more about me than I do about her, and that is something I need to rectify the moment I’m out of here. Not to mention that she knows this property better than I do, plus she has a car and could leave.
Would she leave and not say goodbye? My heart tells me no, but after what I just witnessed I’m not so sure. She feels something for me. I know she does. I can tell by the way she brushes her hand against mine when she thinks no one is looking or by the way she has spent every day with me. I can tell by the way she kisses me, the way she touches me. You don’t do that with someone you don’t have feelings for.
Do you?
Fuck, I used to. I’ve treated so many women like shit just to get laid. Maybe that is what I have to repair when I get back to L.A.—sit down and write each one of them a letter explaining how sorry I am for being such a douche.
Dr. Rosenberg calls an end to the session, and I am up and walking briskly toward the door. She calls my name, but I ignore her. There isn’t anything she can say to me that will change how I feel. Kimberly and I deserve a chance out