Kimberly
As soon as we emerge from the closet, I rush off to my apartment, leaving Bodhi in my office. Unfortunately, by leaving that way I’ve shown him where I live, and that was something I wanted to avoid. It’s not that I didn’t want him to know; I just didn’t want him to be tempted to seek me out when he should be resting. It’s been hard enough knowing that he’s lying in a bed alone not far from me. I’ve caught myself many times walking down the hall where his room is, only to pause. I know he would’ve welcomed me with open arms.
I stare at myself in the mirror. The freshly fucked look is evident, and even though he didn’t touch my hair, it’s a mess. Running a brush through my hair, I pull it up in a ponytail and straighten my clothes, fixing my skewed panties.
I don’t know what I was thinking, letting that happen, and as I stand here considering the ramifications, I know I’m in trouble. What if he hasn’t been safe in the past? I don’t want to think negatively about Bodhi, but the truth of the matter is, he’s an addict and addicts use sex to score. The thought makes me lose the contents of my stomach.
“Kimberly?” His voice is full of worry and his hand soft along my back as I kneel in the bathroom.
“You shouldn’t be in here.”
“I know, but I wanted to check on you.”
“I’m fine, Bodhi.”
He leaves my side, but only to run the water and hand me a wet washcloth. As much as I don’t want to take it, I do.
“Thank you.” I flush the toilet and stand up. There’s a pained look on his face. I did that to him when I ran out on him. We just had sex because I asked him, and now I wouldn’t be surprised if he thinks I’m repulsed by him.
“Without sounding like a pussy, did I hurt you?”
I shake my head and work quickly to brush my teeth.
“Then what’s wrong?”
I rest my hands on the counter and fight the tears that are coming. I don’t want to cry in front of him, but they’re coming whether I like it or not.
“We just had sex without a condom,” I say bluntly.
“Okay, well, I didn’t come, so if it’s because you’re not on the pill—”
“Don’t be naive, Bodhi. You can get a woman pregnant without actually ejaculating. But that’s not it. You’re an addict and I don’t know if you’re clean.”
He steps back at my insult, and I immediately regret what I’ve just said. I try to reach for him, but he puts his hands up. “I get it,” he says. “No need to explain on my behalf.” He turns away. I call for him, but he doesn’t return. The slamming of my door startles me, and a second later I break down and cry.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
—
I don’t see Bodhi later at dinner, and when I go to look for him, he’s in his room. I open the door and peek in to find him lying on his bed, facing the wall.
“Bodhi?”
He doesn’t answer me.
“You need to come to dinner,” I say as I step into his room. I sit in the chair by his bed and fight the urge to reach out and touch him.
When I get no response, I say, “You really need to get up and come to dinner. There are rules….” This gets Bodhi to roll over. He looks at me, his eyes red-rimmed, and I can tell he’s been crying.
“Fuck the rules. If I wanted to eat, I would. Get out, Kimberly.” He turns back toward the wall, ignoring me.
I leave quietly, trying to figure out
how to fix the mess I’ve created. It’s not going to be easy, but it needs to be done, because I can’t let my foolish and selfish actions hamper his recovery. I make my way to the cafeteria and fix us both plates of food. If I get caught, there’s no doubt I’ll lose my job, but I don’t care. I did that to him even though I knew better, and I need to make it right.
I return to his room with the food. When I enter, he’s in the same spot he was in when I left.
“I brought you dinner and you’re going to eat.”