I don’t know why I can’t love him again. He’s proven that he’s changed. That he’s trustworthy and patient. He’s a catch and any girl would be so lucky to have his blue eyes look at her the way he looks at me. His blond hair is always kept short and away from his eyes, unlike Ryan's. Both men are so different and yet could own me completely. I know Cole would welcome the opportunity, but I just can’t get Ryan out of my head.
“You should write a song with all that thinking you’re doing.” Cole’s voice is rough.
“I haven’t written songs since you and I did. I don’t have a passion for it.”
“You should try, it might help.”
I shake my head. “What are you doing in here?”
He shrugs. “I was thinking about you and us and this whole pretend thing. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on. My feelings have never gone away and the lines are so muddy right now.”
“I’m sorry,” my voice breaks as his hand cups my cheek.
“You don’t have to be sorry. I just want some of you back. I miss the happy and carefree girl that I love so much.”
A warm tear hits my pillow. Cole moves closer. He rests his forehead against mine while his hand still cups my cheek.
“What’s up, Hadley Girl? You seem so distant since that night and I don’t know how to fix things for you.”
I run my fingers through his hair. His eyes close and he hums softly. He’s always liked this and I used to do it when he was sick. “You can’t fix this, Coleman. I just need to get over him.”
“I know what would help.”
I push his shoulder lightly. “I don’t think sex is the answer.” I roll over, giving him the proverbial cold shoulder.
He pulls me close, wrapping me in his arms. We are spooning and in this position I can feel everything. “Cole?” I question as he adjusts himself.
“Can’t help it.”
“Yes, you can.”
“No, I can’t. You’re hot and you turn me on. All day long we pretend to be a couple and sometimes we sleep in the same bed. It’s starting to get to me.”
“Sex isn’t the answer.”
Cole moves so that he’s on top of me. Everything is familiar, second nature. “You’re right, it’s not, but it’s a solution.”
I have a problem, a big one. It’s the indecisiveness I create for myself on a daily basis. Sleeping with Cole last night was a mistake. He held me while I cried, which made me feel even worse. It’s not that the sex was bad, it wasn’t, never has been. It’s my erratic brain telling me I’ve done something wrong. Cole assures me that everything we did was right and perfect.
Maybe he’s right.
Maybe I should just give in and listen to my brain. I know that would make Cole happy and I’d be comfortable. I mean, that’s what people go for these days, right, comfort? I know him and he knows me. What more does a girl need?
I need love and trust. Not everyone needs those feelings, but I do. I don’t know how to move past Cole cheating. If I did, we probably would’ve gotten back together. There is nothing stopping him from doing it again.
I slide out of bed and walk into the bathroom. I have no doubt he’s awake and staring at my naked backside, but I don’t care. I lock the door for good measure. I don’t want him sneaking in thinking we are going to repeat what we did hours before. That was so stupid.
The hot water drips down my back. As much as I want to stay under this drizzle I can’t stand being in here. I get out and wrap myself in a towel. When I open the door, he’s sitting on the edge of the bed. His face looks pensive. This is exactly why we’re a mistake.
He reaches out, pulling my hand into his. He turns my hand over and kisses my palm.
“Cole—“
He stands, cupping my face and kisses me softly. “I know.” I want to reach out and pull him to me. Why can’t I love him? He kisses my forehead and leaves me standing in our room with more pain in my heart than I know what to do with. “I’ll meet you on the bus, Hadley Girl.”
Alex is dancing. This wouldn’t be a shock to me except we are cruising down the highway and she’s standing in the middle of the tour bus living room, dancing. I sit down and watch her, enjoying her carefree moment. She’s my best friend. I love her and I don’t know what I’d do without her.
The song finishes. She takes the seat next to me. She throws her head back in exasperation and starts laughing.