“Why did you leave?” I bite the inside of my cheek, afraid of what his reaction is going to be.
Liam rubs his hands over his face and sighs. “Everyone had this idea of what I was going to be and when I went to college, I realized that wasn’t who I was. I was too afraid to tell the people that I loved the most that I was unhappy. I was heading for the biggest drug-induced downward spiral without the drugs and just left everyone and everything behind.”
“Do you have any regrets?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t. Had I stayed, Josie and I probably wouldn’t be married. I’d likely be an accountant or a teacher, living in a run-down house and seeing my kid on the weekends. Things happened for a reason, and while yes, I missed ten years, I had to in order to find myself. I probably sound selfish and I don’t mean to be, but you can’t live your life by someone else’s dreams. They have to be your own and just because it was a dream at one point, doesn’t mean it’s your dream now. The beautiful thing about dreams is that they’re ever changing.”
The lights flicker, causing Liam to laugh. “It’s time for dinner, or linner – that’s what Noah calls it because we’re eating dinner at lunch time.”
Liam puts his arm around me and we walk up the stairs, bumping our shoulders into each other with each step we take. When we open the door, everyone is gathered around the table, including Xander. When he sees me, his smile is wide, but he keeps his head down. I know what he’s thinking about — his red cheeks give him away. It’s okay, though, because I’ve been thinking about it all day, too.
Once dinner is done, the kids open more presents. Watching Eden open hers is funny. She gets so excited for the box but doesn’t care about what’s inside. As I look around, I see my brother with his girlfriend, wife, his life partner and can see how happy they are. My other brothers, Liam and Jimmy, both married and with kids, are happy. Their smiles are genuine and not forced. I don’t know if this is something I can have or not, but I don’t see Oliver fitting in with my family, and this is what he wants. He wants a big family, holidays and birthday parties. I want it too, but I also want to be center stage.
Xander hands me an eggnog and tells me it’s adult flavored. This will calm my nerves for my flight later. I hate that I have rehearsals tomorrow and have a feeling Oliver did that so that I’d have to come right back. Sometimes I think he does things to be malicious so I can cry on his shoulder. I’m done with that though. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet.
The night beckons and all too soon, it’s time for me to leave. Xander offered to drive me to the airport so I say my goodbyes at Liam’s. I hug everyone and am surprised that Peyton is waiting for one.
“Thanks for my necklace,” she says as I pull away. I see the delicate silver chain hanging from her neck and my pride swells. I need to get to know these girls and be an aunt to them.
“I’ll see you guys soon,” I say, as I walk out the door and rush to Xander’s car. He’s already transferred my suitcase from Harrison’s to his. He and Harrison will return my rental for me tomorrow. I balked at first when Xander offered to take me, but the thought of having him for the ride to the airport would be worth it.
We hold hands throughout the drive, but don’t speak. The air between us is heavy and I know we should talk about what happened last night, but I’m not sure what to say. I don’t want to cheapen what we did by adding unnecessary words.
Xander guides me into the airport after parking his car. He waits while I check in and walks me to security. I fall into his arms, and let him hold me. I’m going to miss him more than I can find the words to tell him.
When I look up at him, he cups my face and kisses me softly. His lips linger on mine for a moment before I make a move to deepen the kiss. I know I’m leading him on, but I’m leading myself on too. I need this last memory of him on my lips before I boa
rd that plane.
“You have my number, right?”
I laugh. Earlier this morning, he put his number in my phone and texted himself, marveling at how excellent he is in bed. I saved that text message.
“I do. I’m sure I’ll be using it.”
“Remember: no sexting while I’m working.” He laughs and kisses me one more time.
“I can’t make any promises,” I say, winking. He blushes and shakes his head.
One last kiss and I’m making my way through security. I wave at him before I turn the corner and disappear down the hall. My phone chimes, and I roll my eyes. He can’t even wait until I was home before he texts. I pull out my phone and tap my message icon.
Lindsey: Thought you should know Oliver has been spending time with Cami, and she’s on the list as the lead for tomorrow.
I stop dead in my tracks. Cami is my rival and much younger than I am. Let’s face it, I’m no spring chicken, but I take care of myself and I work hard to retain my youthful appearance. She has been after my role for months. I’ve caught her a few times flirting with Oliver, but he assured me he wasn’t interested in her. If she’s taking my spot that only means one thing. They’re sleeping together. I know I have no room to talk, but I’ve never been with him to advance my career. If she’s taking the lead, I don’t have practice for a few days. I look around at the lack of people traveling today and wonder what I’m doing.
I look down at my phone and pull up Xander’s message from earlier. The message from him gloating about his prowess stares back at me. I don’t know what I’m doing, or what I want, but maybe if I spend more time with him and my family I can figure it out.
Do you have plans for New Years Eve?
My car is cold even though the heater is on and blowing warm air. I feel the loss of Yvie already, and it’s only been a few minutes. I told myself that getting involved with her emotionally would be a mistake, and everything in my head is telling me that it is – was – but my heart is telling me to hang on and to keep her in my life in any capacity that she’ll allow.
Yesterday, last night, whatever you want to call it, wasn’t supposed to happen. After talking to JD and realizing that Yvie and I are on two different paths in life, I knew I had to shut down. But when she pulled up, I had my front door open before she could even knock. My mind was made up; I was going to take everything that she was willing to give and not let go, until now.
Leaving her in the airport, watching her disappear out of sight is the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. The rock I seem to have swallowed is pushing against my heart, lungs and stomach. I can’t get comfortable whether I sit up, stand or clear my throat to dislodge the solid mass that has taken residency there. The pressure increases with each movement.
The warm air becomes stifling and my chest aches, a feeling that I despise. I’ve kept myself free from entanglements, only dating here and there and never anything too serious. I’ve waited for that one special person to walk into my life, and now that she has, she’s walked right back out. I don’t think I knew she was the one until this moment and now that I know, I’m not sure what I can do to show her how I feel. She needs to know that us being together while she was here wasn’t just about sex for me. Thing is, it may have been that way for her. If so, I can handle it. She doesn’t need to know how I feel. Guys are best at compartmentalizing their feelings anyway.
I roll down my window and take a gulp of air. I don’t know why I’m stalling. I don’t know why I’m still parked and not driving back home or to the gym. It’s not like she’s going to come running out and fall into my arms. She’s heading back to New York where she lives and works. I have to accept that. I have to find a way to be her friend and stay present in her life. I refuse to go away unless she asks me to. If I have to resort to making her smile via video chat, then so be it. I’ll be the best damn video chatter ever.