“I meant every word. It’s taken me a long time to realize that each time I look for love, that each time I look at my parents or my sister and Noah, wishing I had what they have, that the person who could give me unconditional love, has been in front of me for years. I’ve just been too blind to see that it’s you.” She takes my hand and leads us over to the sofa. When we sit, our thighs are pressing together. I shouldn’t get excited as this is nothing new for us. We’ve always been this close.
“I will never forgive myself for the way I treated you the morning after your party. I was a cold-hearted bitch, and I wish I could tell you why I blocked it out, but I can’t. All I know is that I remember the night fully, Ben, and it was amazing. I’ve never felt so connected to someone, except for you. I don’t deserve you. You and I both know it, but I’m asking for a chance. We may not be right for one another, but we’ll never know if we don’t try.”
“What about the partying, Elle? The drinking?”
“I haven’t touched alcohol since your party. I knew something was different when I woke up, but when you told me nothing had happened, I don’t know… it was like a wake-up call.”
“And the other guys?”
She shakes her head. “There’s no one else, Ben.” Her fingers brush through my hair as if it’s the most natural thing to do. Looking at her, it’s hard to believe I’ve been with her, but my body has no qualms about wanting her.
With my hands on her hips, I pull her onto my lap until she straddles me. “Am I making a mistake here?”
“No, I don’t think you are. It took you leaving for it all to hit home. You’re not just my best friend, Benjamin. You’re the only person I look forward to seeing every day. Your voice is my coffee, my kick-start to start my morning off right. For weeks on end, I’ve wandered around campus, looking for you, needing just to see you so I could feel right again.”
How is it we can both feel the same way and never tell each other? None of this makes sense, and instead of overthinking it and beating the “what ifs” to death, I lean forward and brush my lips against hers, testing her responsiveness. Elle reciprocates fully, wrapping her arms around me and plunging her tongue deep into my mouth, all reminiscent of the night that changed us forever.
27
Elle
Any reservations I had about Ben are gone. His hands and lips feel perfect against my body. The sensations I’m feeling are like no other. I’m anxious, and I have butterflies in my tummy. I’m nervous because I’m afraid he’s going to pull away.
That he might realize this isn’t what he wants, Yet, I’m so over the moon happy because he’s here and in my arms, and he’s kissing me.
Ben and I part, and I use this opportunity to rub my thumb over his freshly kissed lips. I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face. Everything about this moment feels right and perfect. That is until Talia’s face pops into my mind. I disengage from Ben, despite his attempt to hold onto me.
“What’s wrong,” he asks.
“Talia. Isn’t she your girlfriend? Because you said she was and we were just kissing… I don’t want to come between the two of you.” There’s a pinch in my heart, thinking Ben is already committed. It’d be my own fault for waiting so long, for not asking him again when he started pulling away what really happened the night of his birthday. This would be karma at its best, and I deserve it.
“If she were my girlfriend, I wouldn’t have kissed you like I just did and I definitely wouldn’t be here, sitting on your couch, thinking about how much I want to be with you right now.”
>
“I’m a bit confused. Do you live with her?”
He shakes his head. “No, we work together. We’re part of an internship at Omni.”
“Omni? Oh, Ben, that’s wonderful.” I’m truly happy for him. Omni is the best marketing company in the world according to my dad.
“It’s a dream come true.”
His words give me pause. His hopes and dreams, they should be my priority as mine has been his. He came with me to California because I asked him to, even though I knew he would excel at a different school. But, the thought of being away from him for years, and only seeing him on vacations made me physically ill.
What kind of friend am I? I get up from the couch and pace the small living area of my suite. I’m tense, and my hands fidget with anything they can touch. I tug at the hem of my shirt. My hands push into my hair, pulling it from side to side. I bite the end of my nail and pick at the skin around it until I dig too deep, causing me to cry out.
Ben’s hands are on my shoulders. He’s comforting me when I don’t warrant his affection. “I’m such a horrible person,” I say, turning to face him. “You… you’ve been my rock for years, and I’ve been nothing in return. I should’ve never asked you to move to Los Angeles. How can you stand me?”
“Because I love you,” he says as if it’s the simplest answer ever.
“But why, Ben?”
He gently holds his hands against my cheeks and looks into my eyes. “You make me smile, Elle. I laugh when I’m with you, and when we’re not together, my heart doesn’t feel the same. I can’t tell you why or how, but to quote Selena Gomez, the heart wants what it wants, and my heart wants you.”
“Your heart is familiar with me.”
Ben pushes my hair behind my ear, never breaking eye contact with me. “From the moment I met you, I fell hard. I chased Peyton in the hallway because I was adamant she was you, and when I saw you sitting at the table, it was like the sun was only shining down on you. You gave me the time of day when you could’ve easily told the new kid to get lost.”