“What do you mean your mom ‘sort of remarried’?”
“My parents aren’t married, at least not on paper.”
“They have a common law marriage.”
I nod.
“And your stepfather, do you like him?”
“I love him. He’s our dad in every sense of the word, and honestly the only father figure we know besides our uncles. My sister and I don’t remember our father, only with pictures and stories we’ve been told. My problems don’t stem from a bad home or anything of that nature. When my sister almost died, I did too. It’s a twin thing,” I say, shrugging. “And while she’s doing really well, I haven’t recovered.”
“Tell me about your best friend.”
I do, telling her everything about Ben from the day we met to our last phone call. I share every detail about our friendship, from our study sessions, family vacations, and how he’s been my rock for as long as I can remember.
“So why are you here?”
I clear my throat and rub my now sweaty palms over my shorts. “Ben’s birthday was a few weeks back, and since that night, things have been strained between us,” I pause and try to gather my thoughts. “I woke up in his bed, naked. We both were. Ben tells me nothing happened, but I don’t believe him.”
Dr. Sanders adjusts in her chair. The yellow notepad she’s been scribbling in, wobbles on her crossed leg. “Do you think Ben raped you?”
My mouth drops open, and I shake my head. “No, not at all. Ben… he wouldn’t do that. He’s my best friend or was until his birthday.”
“I’ve seen many cases where one party considered the other a best friend, only to have the unthinkable happen.”
I shake my head vigorously. “Not Ben. He would never do anything to hurt me.” This, I’m sure of. We may not be on the best terms now, but that’s because I messed up, not him. There’s no way Ben would ever take advantage of me. It’s not in his nature.
“The reason I asked is that often people repress traumatic memories. If you were to have an unwanted sexual encounter with the man you consider your best friend, coupled with the stress of your sister’s accident, your mind could’ve blocked it out. Do you remember if you fell down the day of Ben’s birthday or if you hit your head on anything? What about drugs?”
Again, I shake my head. “I don’t remember hitting my head on anything. As far as drugs…” I shrug. “I’ve taken pills in the past, you know to numb everything, but I don’t remember if I did the night of Ben’s birthday. I was drinking though. I remember a girl flirting with him, and it bothered me. I don’t know why because it never has before. And lately, I’ve been lost. At least, that’s what my family and Ben say. I’ve partied a bit too much, let my grades slip and haven’t been the person people know me to be.”
“And who’s that?”
I sink deeper into the couch, pulling my leg up under my other one and rest my elbow on the armrest. My head falls easily into the palm of my hand. I don’t know if it’s because it’s so warm in here or if it’s because Dr. Sanders has a soothing voice, but I find myself wanting to open up to her. I guess she’s good at her job, otherwise I can’t imagine speaking freely.
“I used to be this sweet and fun-loving girl who cared about her friends, her grades and what people thought of her. My family always came first. My image was important. I wanted to excel at everything I did.”
“And the accident with your sister changed all of this?”
“Yeah, it did. The doctors said she was going to die and there wasn’t anything I could’ve done to help her. I felt this… ache deep inside, and even though she healed, my ache never went away, so I started drinking to numb the feelings.”
“And where was Ben through all of this?”
“By my side. He came out to Chicago, where the accident was, and stayed until the hospital discharged my sister. He even spent the night with her so she wasn’t alone. He helped my family, so they didn’t have to leave Peyton’s side, making sure there was always fresh coffee, food and anything they needed readily available. And he held me when a wave of emotions would take over. He let me cry on his shoulder.” Tears start to fall, and I find myself wondering if they’re for Peyton or Ben because right now, reciting how Ben was with my family during Peyton’s accident has me asking why I’ve never given him a chance. His actions far exceeded what a best friend would do for someone. Peyton’s right, Ben deserves more from me. However, the question is, can I give it to him? More importantly, will he even accept anything from me?
“I want you to lie back and close your eyes for me, Elle. I’m going to put you under and see if your subconscious remembers the night you’re missing. I want you to listen to my voice and try to relax your body. If at any time you’re uncomfortable, I want you to raise your hand, and we’ll stop. Okay?” Her voice has changed, the tempo is slower, and she’s quieter than before.
“Okay,” I say.
I do as Dr. Sanders instructs. Soft music starts to play, and I can sense her walking around the room. Even though my eyes are closed, I feel as if the room has become darker. I’m tempted to peek, but don’t want to open my eyes and find her hovering over me.
“Breathe in and out, Elle. Let everything go. Let your body mold into the couch and set your mind free. Where’s your happy place?”
“The beach.”
“Let’s go there. What do you see?”
“My dad, brother, and Ben.”