“So Noah, huh? For how long?”
I sigh and lean into my pillow. “For as long as I can remember. I don’t know when it started or when the childhood crush turned into stupid adult feelings, but… always. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore though because Dessie’s pregnant and he went back to Portland with her.”
“He may still come around.” Ben’s hopeful. It’s a nice attribute.
“Not with a baby. Noah grew up not knowing his real father. He would never do that to his own child. I can’t compete with a tiny human. I won’t.”
“Sounds like we’re in the same boat, sharing the same paddle and going nowhere.”
I rest my head on his shoulder and he places his hand in mine. For as long as I’ve known Ben, I always thought he and my sister would end up together. At least for them, there’s still hope.
22
Noah
I stand in front of my living room window, watching as snowflakes fall from the sky. Down below, it doesn’t look like anything is sticking, which means Dessie and I shouldn’t have any problems flying.
My season is over and so is my career if I don’t play my cards right. After I left Peyton in the hospital, breaking both our hearts, I continued to play like crap and was benched for the last game of the season. If that’s not a slap in the face, I don’t know what is.
Dessie comes into the room and turns on the Christmas tree. I study her profile through the reflection, looking hard to see if there’s a baby bump yet. The one appointment she’s had since she burst into Peyton’s room and dropped the bomb, I was out of town for. Dessie gushed on how she was able to hear the heartbeat, but never thought to record the sound for me.
I avert my eyes so she doesn’t see me looking and stare out into the city. At best, our relationship is strained. She tries. I avoid. And I’m the biggest ass for doing so. I should be happy she’s carrying my child. Babies are miracles and I know there are millions out there who struggle to get pregnant. I just don’t want her to be the one to have mine. Of course, I should have thought about that long before I ever slept with her.
“Do you think this snow is going to hamper our trip?”
I shake my head and take a sip of the whiskey I poured myself over an hour ago after I came back from meeting with my coach. He yelled. I listened. I came home and poured a drink, which is something I never do.
“I still don’t understand why your father couldn’t let us use the band’s plane,” Dessie says as she walks away. It’s probably because I never asked him. When I told my mom I’d be home for Christmas, she didn’t seem so thrilled to hear Dessie was coming with me. I have yet to tell my parents she’s pregnant and I’m not sure if Peyton told anyone. If she did, my parents are doing a damn fine job of hiding it from me.
“My luggage is packed,” she hollers from the room. I set my glass down on the table and head toward the bedroom. Since I returned from Chicago, I haven’t slept in here, opting for the guest bedroom. I don’t want Dessie to get the wrong idea. I may be here, but I don’t have a clue about what I’m doing.
“The car will be here in an hour,” I say, turning into my room. I stare into my closet. I used to look forward to going home, especially at Christmas. When I was ten, it became my favorite holiday, and now I have no desire to go at all.
“Do you want some help?” Dessie asks. She doesn’t wait for me to answer before coming in. She starts pulling clothes out of my closet, setting them on my bed. “What do you think we’ll do while we’re there?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Well, maybe it’d be a good time to get married since we’ll be in your hometown.”
I sit down on my bed and sigh. She’s been pushing for marriage since we flew back to Portland, reminding me her friends often comment on how she’s not engaged and now she’s pregnant, this seems like the right time.
“I’m sure Beaumont is beautiful at Christmas time.”
“It is. Listen, Dessie, I haven’t told my parents yet about the baby.”
“Why not?” she asks, sitting down next to me.
I rest my elbows on my knees and sigh. “I don’t know,” I tell her honestly. “Maybe because part of me wishes it weren’t true, while the other part wishes our situations were different. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me.”
“Do you want me to leave?”
I glance at her from over my shoulder and shake my head. “No, I don’t.”
“Well, what can I do?”
“Nothing, Dessie. They’re my demons I need to work through. I’ll finish packing so we can go.”
She stands and heads toward the door. “Everything will be okay, Noah.”