“Killian,” she whispers back in a soft moan. The sound of my name spoken so sweetly settles deep inside of me. I feel it wrapping around my heart, making the air in my lungs feel heavy.
“I’ve been so stupid. I made it seem like I’m using you, but nothing could be further from the truth. The first moment I laid eyes on you, I wanted you, Belle. I thought of you constantly, and I must admit that scared me, which is probably why I’m only saying this while you’re sleeping. It still scares me. You’ve caught me off guard and I admit that’s a feeling that leaves me unsettled. I don’t really like it. I’ve always been a man who is prepared. I’m a man who is always in charge, and yet, this woman I never could have imagined keeps surprising me at every turn. I’ve never felt like this before. I grasped at any excuse to get you, and because of that, you got hurt. You need to know, I’m not a good guy. If I could go back in time right now, I would still choose to have you at any cost, even knowing it would get you hurt. You make my life better—less bleak. I’m going to keep you, Belle, even though you would be better off and safer without me. I can’t give you up, though. Still, I swear to you that I will protect you better. I’ll do everything in my power to make sure that you’re happy.”
I listen to her breathing, soaking in the feeling of having her in my arms. I’m blathering like a fool, but she won’t know it, so I keep going. It’s probably stupid, but I like telling her. Although, I doubt I’d feel the same if she were awake.
“It's killing me to be in jail away from you, Belle. At first, the slamming of my cell door closing made it feel like I was trapped forever. I felt like I couldn’t function. Now, even that has changed. It has become kind of a new normal, but my panic is no longer because I’m locked in a cell, it’s because I can’t be with you, and I need to be. I need you. I know it's going to kill me to leave when I go back this time. I’m not sure I’ll even survive it. I don’t know what you’ve done to me, but I need you to breathe.”
CHAPTER 39
BELLE
Killian’s words echoed in my head most of the night and are still with me when I open my eyes this morning.
He’s not using me.
I lay in bed thinking about everything he said while he thought I was asleep. At first, I had been, but I woke up just before I whispered his name. I hadn’t even meant to say it out loud, but his words were hitting me so hard I almost gave myself away.
I need you to breathe.
After our talk about him meeting my needs but not loving me in return, I wondered if I could do that and if I even wanted to. Now, I’m sure that Killian’s confession to me is close. He may not be in love with me, but what he feels for me is more than I could ask for. It’s all I will ever need. It cements everything between us. We will have a good marriage and a good life together. I feel it from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.
Now, I just need to make sure that I take care of Killian like he tries to do for me. I’m not sure he has ever had that, and I want to be the first to do it. I’m going to show him how special he is.
After pulling on my robe, I walk downstairs. I’d hoped to kiss my husband good morning, but I immediately realize that Killian is gone. Disappointment washes through me, but I bat it away as I see Ryan. He’s sitting at Killian’s huge oak table, smiling at me as I come into view.
“What are you doing?” I ask, pulling out a chair at the table. I sit directly across from him and steeple my fingers together. I feel like it’s a business meeting only I’m in my robe, and I’m sure my hair is a hot mess.
“Eating breakfast?” he responds. It’s more of a question than a statement. His face is pinched with confusion.
“No, I mean, what are you doing to get Killian out of jail permanently?” I ask seriously. He can’t breathe in there. He feels trapped. Knowing that has anxiety clawing at me. I have to get him out of there. My father is the main reason he’s going through this, and I’m going to right this wrong if it’s the last thing I do. The only problem is that I don’t even know where to start. Lucky for me, my new father-in-law makes a good place to begin.