‘He’ll get over it.’ Alistair had smilingly dismissed his friend’s enthusiasm. ‘Gabriel never does anything by halves.’
Raina shook her head, trying to smile. Gabriel was never going to get over it, and that was exactly as it should be. He’d given his heart already, and Raina knew from her own experience that there was never going to be a time when he got it back.
Alistair’s office was a little more focussed. Five boxes, one of which bore Anya’s name and contained her bricks and the dinosaur. Whenever they visited, he carried the box upstairs, staying for a while to observe the sessions with Kaia.
‘She’s naturally right-handed?’ Alistair and Raina had left Anya with Kaia, and gone back downstairs to talk.
‘As far as I know. Both Andrew and Theresa were right handed, and statistically it’s much more likely. She was too young when the accident happened to have already shown any preference.’
Alistair nodded, recording her answer on his laptop. He’d been taking notes of everything and they’d form a good record of Anya’s development and progress. Probably nothing like the record that was engraved on Raina’s heart, but...that wasn’t the aim, here.
‘There is evidence that when older people lose their dominant hand, the brain compensates.’ He mulled the question over for a moment. ‘Have you ever seen any evidence that she experiences phantom feelings or pain?’
‘No. Not as far as I know. She never talks about her other hand. Obviously she’s noticed that most people have two, but it’s normal for her to just have one.’
Alistair nodded. ‘The research is inconclusive, but that would be in line with what’s generally recognised to be the case.’
‘Yeah. I seem to remember...’ Raina shook her head.
‘Remember what?’ Alistair stopped typing and shot her a questioning look.
‘Nothing. Just that I read up about all of this and...to be honest, most of what I read is a bit of a blur.’ She shrugged guiltily.
Alistair leaned back in his chair, his face softening suddenly. ‘Of course it is. You were grieving and learning to take care of a child. You must have been exhausted.’
It was the first time they’d touched on her feelings. This had been all about Anya, and how she felt. Having Alistair ask about what she felt was more uncomfortable and raised questions she’d rather not answer.
‘Yeah. I suppose so.’
‘Have you talked to anyone about this?’
Had she talked? Alistair had barely been there to talk to when she’d lost their baby. That had been one of the things that had torn them apart. Raina bit back the urge to snap at him.
‘Yes.’ That would do. He didn’t need to know where she’d found support from, he just needed to know any particulars that referred to Anya’s case. Wanting to tell him how hard that first year had been wasn’t going to make him understand that any better.
‘Right. Good.’ Thankfully Alistair didn’t write that down.
‘What about your feelings, Alistair?’ The words had been on the tip of her tongue for days now, and they slipped out before Raina could stop them.
‘My feelings?’ He gave her an innocent look, which didn’t wash for a minute. Alistair had been friendly and kind, making sure that Anya had everything she needed. But he’d never played with her, and seldom even spoke to her unless he had to.
Raina swallowed hard. ‘I just meant... You must have them.’
‘Yes. I do.’ His face was impassive. He was never going to change, and Raina had to accept that. A tear rolled down her face, and she wiped it away. She didn’t want Alistair to see her crying.
‘Come with me.’ He stood, ushering her out of his office, past the desks outside. Raina followed him up the stairs, past the Dream Team’s office, and into the conference room.
‘Let’s talk.’ Alistair had flipped the sign outside to indicate there was a meeting in progress, and he closed the door.
‘Okay.’ Raina’s knees were beginning to shake and she sat down. ‘What do you want to talk about?’
‘Whatever it is you’re not saying to me, you can go ahead and say it. Anya’s place on the project is secure and inviolable. Nothing you could possibly do or say can change that.’
‘We said...we promised that we wouldn’t let our relationship get in the way of the work, Alistair.’
‘Yes, we did. And you’re going back on that promise.’
‘Me?’ The anger that Raina had been biting back for days suddenly broke loose. ‘I’ve gone back on it? You’re heading this project and...’