CHAPTER ELEVEN
‘YOU DON’T HAVE to stay.’
The emergency department in the hospital Rufus had driven to was overflowing with patients sitting on piles of coats in the waiting room, and trolleys lined up against any available wall space. The nurse who’d triaged her had warned them that they were in for a long wait.
‘I’m not leaving you here alone,’ Rufus argued, frowning.
But she couldn’t do this. Couldn’t pretend things between them were still normal now that they had left Upton. ‘I won’t be alone. I messaged Lara, let her know what was going on. They finally scheduled a flight and she’ll be here by this afternoon.’
He watched her for several long moments, the harsh fluorescent lighting throwing deep shadows beneath his eyes. ‘So that’s it? I’m dismissed?’
She creased her brow. She thought he’d be pleased to be let off the hook—now he was angry with her?
‘It’s not like that. We both said that this would be over once we were away from Upton Manor. I know you want it to be. So there’s no need to stick around out of some sense of... I don’t know. Duty, I guess.’
The lines between his eyebrows deepened. ‘You think that’s why I’m here? Duty?’
‘Isn’t it?’ she asked, not sure she wanted to know what his answer would be.
‘I’m here because I want to see that you’re okay. Just because things aren’t going to carry on between us doesn’t mean that I don’t care.’
Jess huffed: she didn’t understand why he was making this so hard. She thought that she was giving him what he wanted. What he’d said he wanted. ‘Actually,’ she said, ‘I’m pretty sure that is what it means. Or at least that you don’t want to care.’
‘Are you saying you don’t care for me? That you would go, if the situation was reversed?’
She shook her head. ‘Of course not, but—’
‘So do me a favour and give me a little credit.’
Ouch. She’d forgotten just how grouchy Rufus could be. He’d softened, so slowly she hadn’t noticed it in the days that they’d been together. And now he was back, the block of ice that had fallen through the front door of Upton Manor two days before Christmas. Well, she needed him even less than she needed the Rufus she’d gone to bed and woken up with, and she had no qualms about kicking him out on his ear.
‘Seriously, Rufus. I’ve got a long wait ahead of me. I’m in pain, and I just want to put my headphones in and zone out until they can see me. This is me letting you off the hook. Honestly, you should go. I want you to go. Please?’ She didn’t have the energy for this. Her body didn’t have the capacity to deal with her heart breaking as well as her wrist. She needed to pretend that she didn’t feel any of this, and she couldn’t do that with him sitting beside her, being more...just more than she’d ever thought he would be.
‘We’re breaking up in a hospital emergency department?’ he asked.
That caught her attention. ‘Breaking up? We were never together. We never wanted that. This is what we agreed all along.’ This was why she needed him to go. She could barely think straight right now, never mind explain how she was feeling. This was all too much.
‘I know, but... I just didn’t see it ending here. Like this.’
And there he went, proving her point entirely, and reminding her of why she’d told herself all along that she didn’t want to make this work. ‘Well, what have I been saying all this time? That’s how it happens. You think everything is fine and then something happens and it’s not any more.’
Rufus leaned forward, his elbows resting on spread knees, and his eyes fixed on the floor as he took several deep breaths. Eventually he looked up, fixed her with an intense stare. ‘Can I at least call you? Check that you’re okay?’ He held her gaze, refused to break eye contact with her, so that she was the one who had to look away. Those painkillers were doing nothing for the tearing pain in her chest. She needed him to walk away before she changed her mind, begged him to stay and made a huge mistake.
‘Yes, okay. You can call. But, Rufus, please just...just go.’
* * *
Lara burst through the doors three hours later and swept Jess into a huge hug, only loosening her grip when Jess squealed and reminded her about the probably broken wrist currently trapped between them.
‘You silly thing—how did this happen?’ Lara asked. ‘I wasn’t worried when the photos stopped because I assumed you were making the most of being bunked up with Rufus. Where is he, anyway?’ She looked around the waiting room, as if she expected him to pop up from behind a row of chairs or something.
‘Oh. I asked him to go.’
Lara gaped at her, her mouth and eyes wide. ‘And he actually went?’
‘Yes! I wanted him to. I didn’t give him a choice.’
‘Um, why?’ Lara asked, still looking at her as if she was missing several important cognitive functions. ‘Seriously. Am I missing something here? Was I deluding myself thinking that you guys got it together?’