“I accept you...” Again I had to rein myself in so that I didn’t alarm her.
“I’m sorry, so sorry that you went through what you did. I know there’s nothing I can say or do to change what was. But as hard and as ugly as your life is right now, I promise you I can make it better.”
I knelt at her feet and took her little hands in mine as she sat silently with tears rolling down her cheeks.
“I know you have no reason to believe me; you don’t even know me. And after what you’ve been through, I can only imagine your disdain for the opposite sex, but if you never believe anything else in your life, trust this.”
How the fuck do I say this shit without sounding like a shmuck? Or worst yet, a fucking sleazeball. It was too soon after the attack for her to be open to what I was offering. She needed more time, which is what I’d been trying to give her. But now she’d gone and forced my hand.
She didn’t know, though, that my mind was already made up. That she wasn’t leaving here tonight, or any other night, without me. That there was no argument she could give that would make me let her go.
“You wanted to know why. Why I care? Why your life matters to me? I’ll tell you. Look at me.” I waited for her teary eyes to lift to mine and told her what I’d been dying to get off my chest for the last few weeks.
“There’s something happening in me, something growing inside of me…for you.” I sounded like a complete ass, but I had no idea how to put this shit into words other than to just come right out and say it.
I’ve never told a woman that I love her, never even felt it. With Charlotte, it was one of those things where we just fell into a relationship because it’s what everyone else expected.
She came from the right sort of background, I guess, which meant her family had money as mine did, which was a fucked up reason to marry someone when you think about it.
But she was the kind of girl mom would appreciate at her dinner table. It wasn’t fair to her that after two years, I’d screwed her over, but it would be even worse if I’d gone through with the marriage only to have my affections lay elsewhere.
I now know that my affections, what I feel for her, are real. I’d been giving us both time. Making sure that this was the right thing, that I wasn’t just feeling misplaced pity or sympathy and confusing it with that other emotion.
I’m not one for rash moves. I like to think things through and look at them from all angles. A man in my position can do no less. For the first time in my life, I wanted to just go with my gut and let the chips fall where they may.
There was something about her from the first, something I still can’t quite put my finger on. It couldn’t be her beauty alone; I’m not that damn shallow. Beauty can be dangerous, so I don’t trust that shit.
But she has this old-world quality about her that I love. That and her shy, sweet disposition. The fact that she needs me, that I might be the only living being on this earth that knows her story—all of it.
I’ve been searching for a reason for weeks with no answer or too many. There were too many things going on in my head when it came to her and not enough time to sort it out since this one wanted to run away in the middle of the damn night.
There was one thing I was certain of, though. It is now my mission in life to see that the rest of hers on earth is nothing but good. Now I just have to convince her.
I hadn’t asked her too many probing questions, choosing instead to give her time to open up to me on her own. But again, she’d pushed the envelope, and it was time to kick down the doors and barriers in her mind. No more pussyfooting around with this shit.
“Do you have family here?” I knew the answer before she shook her head no. My next question would’ve been why Bennington, why here of all places? Nobody ever moves here, but maybe if you were hiding out from someone…
My family had only moved here when I was about eight. It was Dad’s idea of giving Garret and me a normal childhood away from the city and the life.
After gramps had been gunned down, there was talk of us moving back, but in the end, pop chose to keep his family here even though he’d had to do a lot of running back and forth in the beginning.