Thoughts and feelings that were definitely wrong,
even sinful, Uncle Jacob would call them. I couldn't
help wondering if the feelings Cary claimed to have
for me were really leftover desires he'd had for Laura.
Would I ever be loved or wanted for who I really
was? But even as these thoughts flew through my
mind I felt my body respond to Cary, felt the
undeniable pull in my most secret places. What was
wrong with me that I could feel both repulsed and
attracted at the same time?
Perhaps Uncle Jacob was right, perhaps I was
truly a sinful wanton. Maybe there was something
flowing through our veins, something lustful, sinful,
evil. After all, I thought, I am Haille Logan's
daughter. Maybe I would hurt Cary just the way Mommy had hurt young men, men like Kenneth Childs. Cary took a step toward me and I moved
quickly to seize the tray and step around him. "I'll take it down now," I said, avoiding his
eyes. I knew if I looked, I would find two dark pools
of disappointment.
When I reached the bottom of the stairway and
turned, I saw Uncle Jacob in his chair listening to the
news on the radio. May was sprawled on the rug by
his feet, reading. Of course, she didn't hear me. Uncle
Jacob's eyes fixed on me a moment and then shifted
away, guiltily, I thought. I continued to the kitchen. Aunt Sara wasn't there and the dishes were still
piled in the sink. I rinsed mine off and put them in,
too. I was going to clean up for her, but I was curious
where she was. I saw that the back door was slightly
open, so I went to it and peered out. There she was,
sitting alone on the small bench, her arms folded
across her chest, gazing into the darkness.