Tit for tat. It was always tit for tat.
I looked at Kaylee’s empty seat and then at Mother. She was gazing at it, too, but her expression hadn’t changed. Did she really see her there? Did she hear her? Would she see her everywhere? How long would this go on? I was actually losing my appetite, which was probably something anyone, especially Mrs. Lofter, might anticipate. After all, how could I have an appetite with all this tragedy happening? It made me angry. I had come downstairs with a ravishing appetite, hoping to get a little relief from the gloom and doom. I expected to find only Daddy here, with Mother and Mrs. Lofter up in her room, where Mother would be crying herself inside out.
However, to my surprise, Mother was eating as well as ever, obviously enjoying every bite. I looked at Mrs. Lofter, who now wore a look of satisfaction. What was there to be satisfied about? Keeping Mother in denial? Maybe she was just as crazy, I thought. Maybe a patient from the mental clinic was impersonating a nurse. I looked at Daddy. He seemed perfectly satisfied, too.
“That would be nice,” Mother suddenly said, even though neither I nor Daddy had said anything. “Wouldn’t it, Mason?”
Daddy looked up from his food. “Oh, sure,” he said.
“What would be nice?” I asked. I couldn’t help it.
“After we’re finished, before dessert, you can play something on the pianos for our guest,” Mother replied.
She looked from me to Kaylee’s empty seat. I couldn’t help the way my mouth fell open. I even choked on a noodle.
But Mrs. Lofter nodded and smiled. “That would be so nice,” she said.
“Yes,” Daddy said. “You’ll be very pleased. They play so well.”
I suddenly felt like my food would come rushing back up my throat and surge out of my mouth. I covered my face and looked away.
“Easy,” Daddy whispered, sensing that I wanted to get up and race back to my room. “She’s tottering.”
Tottering? I looked at Mother. She looked as happy and as satisfied as ever. It was as if we had fallen back years and years, certainly to before the trouble between our parents had grown to the point of their thinking about divorce. This wasn’t exactly how I envisioned it would be. How long was I expected to pretend nothing had happened?
I tried to eat some more and then finally pushed my plate away. All I wanted to do was get out of there. Kaylee and I usually would clear the table and help Mother with the dishes. It wouldn’t look good if I didn’t make an effort to do it now, I thought. Why did we have to have Mrs. Lofter living with us? I had to put on a continuous act for her. How long would I need to perform? It felt like mice were chewing on the inside of my stomach.
Reluctantly, I stood and began to clear the table.
“Hey, don’t worry about that tonight,” Daddy said, reaching for my hand. “I’ll help. You go to the piano.”
“What?”
Did he really want me to play without Kaylee? I was sure he saw the shock on my face.
He nodded at Mother, who was looking very pleased. I glanced at Mrs. Lofter, who was gazing at me intently, almost defying me to refuse. How should I play this scene? I wondered. Shouldn’t I be too upset to do it? Why couldn’t I be selfish with my suffering, too? On the other hand, wasn’t I worried about my mother? Wasn’t it more important to protect and help her and follow the psychiatric nurse’s directions? If I didn’t, I would attract new suspicions.
I almost felt like saying, C’mon, Kaylee. Let’s play for Mother and Daddy’s guest.
I did look back at Kaylee’s empty seat, and then I went to the living room and sat at my piano. I sifted through some of the pieces we often played together. I settled on Brahms’s Hungarian Dance No. 5. It was one I liked more than Kaylee did, but Mother never knew which pieces either of us preferred. Kaylee was good at keeping her opinions disguised. For the piano recitals, at least, we took turns compromising with each other.
Mrs. Lofter entered, holding Mother’s arm, and they sat on the smaller settee. Mother had her hands in her lap and her face frozen in a proud smile, which right now looked more like a mask. Daddy appeared in the doorway and nodded at me to begin. I looked across at Kaylee’s piano and her empty piano bench. I can’t get rid of her, I thought. At least, not now. I would do what I usually did when we played: lower my head so I didn’t have to look at her and begin. Ironically, I think I played better than I ever had. When I finished and looked at Daddy, I saw how pleased he was. Mrs. Lofter appeared quite impressed, too, and Mother looked more delighted than ever.
I thought I might go out the back door and scream as loudly as I could. Instead, I rose and excused myself, looking directly at Mother and claiming to have homework.
“They’re so diligent,” she told Mrs. Lofter. “Top of their class, both of them.”
I started out, but Mother raised her arms for me to come to her and give her a kiss. Nothing drove home her insanity more than that. Where was Kaylee’s kiss? It was always right after mine, or mine was right after hers. I kissed her anyway and didn’t look back. I didn’t want to see her raising her arms again and turning her cheek for Kaylee’s lips.
Daddy followed me to the hallway. “You’re doing great, Haylee,” he said.
“It’s nuts, Daddy.”
“I know. It’s difficult. For now, it’s what has to be done.”
I started away but stopped. “What did the police tell you on the phone, Daddy?”
“Because of the television and newspaper reports and Kaylee’s picture being well circulated, they have received dozens of possible leads and are following through. They’ve put some other officers on the leads. They’re going full out now.”