Silently, we headed away from the lake, walking slowly through the woods, drinking in the sensation of being outside, on the ground.
We headed back to our responsibilities. For the longest time we stood by the rope we'd made, fastened to a chimney far above. I wasn't thinking of how we'd make the ascent, only wondering what we'd gained by this brief little escape from a prison we had to enter again.
"Chris, do you feel different?"
"Yes. We didn't do very much but walk and run on the ground, and swim for a short while, but I feel more alive and more hopeful."
"We could get away if we wanted to--tonight-- and not wait for Momma to come back. We could go up, make slings to carry the twins, and while they sleep we could carry them down. We could run away! We'd be free!"
He didn't answer, but began the ascent to the roof, hand over hand, with the sheet-ladder caught fast between his legs as he worked his way up. As soon as he was on the roof, I began, for we didn't trust the rope to hold the weight of two people. It was much harder going up than coming down. My legs seemed so much stronger than my arms. I reached above for the next knot, and lifted my right leg. Suddenly my left foot slipped from where I'd notched it and I was swinging free--held only by weak hands!
A short scream tore from my lips! I was more than twenty feet from the ground!
"Hold on!" called Chris from above. "The rope is directly between both your legs. All you have to do is squeeze them together quick!"
I couldn't see what I was doing. All I could do was follow his directions. I grasped the rope between my thighs, quivering all over. Fear made me weaker. The longer I stayed in one place, the more fearful I became. I began to gasp, to tremble. And then came the tears . . . stupid girlish tears!
"You are almost within reach of my hands," called Chris. "Just a few more feet up, and I can reach you. Cathy, don't panic. Think of how much the twins need you! Try . . . try hard!"
I had to talk myself into letting go with one hand, to reach higher for another knot. I said over and over again to myself, I can do it. I can. My feet were slippery from the grass--but then, Chris's feet had been slippery, too, and he had managed. And if he could do it, then I could too.
Bit by terrifying bit I climbed up that rope to where Chris could reach down and grasp my wrists. Once his strong hands had me, a surge of relief tingled my blood down to my fingertips and to my toes. In a few seconds he hauled me up, and I was seized in a tight embrace while we both laughed and then almost cried. Then we crawled up the steep slope, keeping fast hold of the rope until we reached the chimney That's when we fell down in our accustomed place and shivered all over.
Oh, the irony of it--that we would be glad to be back!
Chris lay on his bed and stared over at me. "Cathy, for just a second or two, when we were lying on the bank of the lake, it seemed a bit like heaven. Then when you faltered on the rope, I thought I might die too, if you did. We can't do that again. You don't have the strength in your arms that I do. I'm sorry I forgot about that."
The night lamp was burning with a rosy glow over in the corner. Our eyes met in the dimness. "I'm not sorry we went. I'm glad. It's been so long since I felt real."
"Did you feel like that?" he asked. "So did I . . . just like we had left a bad dream that was lasting too long."
I dared again, had to. "Chris, where do you think Momma is? She's drifting away from us gradually, and she never really looks at the twins, like they scare her now. But she's never stayed away this long before. She's been gone over a month."
I heard his heavy, sad sigh. "Honestly, Cathy,
I just don't know. She hasn't told me anymore than she's told you--but you can bet she's got a good reason."
"But what kind of reason could she have to leave without an explanation? Isn't that the least she could do?"
"I don't know what to say."
"If I had children, I would never leave them the way she does. I'd never stick my four children away in a locked room and then forget them."
"You're not going to have any children,
remember?"
"Chris, someday I'm going to dance in the arms of a husband who loves me, and if he really wants a baby, then I might agree to have one."
"Sure, I knew all along you'd change your mind once you grew up."
"You really think I'm pretty enough for a man to love?" "You're more than pretty enough." He sounded embarrassed. "Chris, remember when Momma told us that it was money that made the world go around and not love? Well, I think she's wrong."
"Yeah? Give that a bit more thought. Why can't you have both?"
I gave it thought. Plenty of thought. I lay and stared up at the ceiling that was my dancing floor, and I mulled life and love over and over. And from every book I'd ever read, I took one wise bead of philosophy and strung them all into a rosary to believe in for the rest of my life.
Love, when it came and knocked on my door, was going to be enough.