“I didn’t like any of them,” she said. If this was going to work, she had to speak up. “I mean, they were beautiful homes, but I didn’t feel comfortable in them. At home in them. I felt like a visitor from the wrong side of the tracks.”
That wasn’t completely accurate, either. But it was as close as she could get to explaining the tightness in her chest, the desire to leave, that she’d experienced in every home they’d toured.
“I’m sorry.” She prepared herself for his frustration. Disappointment. Things she’d not really experienced the year before.
Because their relationship hadn’t been real. They’d had no opportunity to experience differences of opinion, hardship or challenges.
She had no idea how Nolan handled any of the above, except to know that, in the end, he’d bailed.
And yet, she wanted to know that part of him. If they were going to coparent, live in the same home when he was in town, they were going to have to leave the fairy tale of last year behind and learn how to have a real relationship. One where they actually did disagree about things.
Truth was, she wanted that relationship. Badly. Wanted to know the whole Nolan, not just his fantasy parts.
“Was there anything you liked about any of them?” he asked, sounding more like Sandra than someone with an actual stake in which house they chose.
“Of course!” She went on to list at least a dozen. The landsca
ping in one of the yards had been a particular standout. She’d loved the water feature. And the six-foot wooden fencing. There’d been the cupboard arrangement in one of the kitchens. The carpeted bedrooms in another. They’d all had garden tubs in the master and she’d been a fan. A walk-in closet had caught her attention.
He nodded, glancing over at her as though he was fully engaged in what she was saying, but gave no opinions of his own. Maybe that was okay. This was going to be her home. A visitation spot for him.
“What did you like about that fourth house so much?” she asked. He’d pointed out the extra room that could be a playroom. The island in the kitchen for her to have room for baking.
She’d told him, the year before, that she loved to bake and had been wondering if he remembered that, or if he’d just been making assumptions.
“I liked that it had split masters,” he told her. “I’d have my own area. We could even add an outside entrance. You could keep it locked off when I’m not there and not feel as though parts of your house were inaccessible to you. It’d be just off there by itself.”
Okay. She hadn’t thought of that. She had been trying hard all day to picture only herself and Stella in the homes. As for Nolan being there...well, she’d find a way to deal with that when the time came. Find a way not to notice how good he smelled. Or how much even the sight of his hands could make her remember them all over her.
“It was just so...big,” she told him. “I was kind of thinking one-story. That ranch-style Sandra talked about. I wonder if there are any smaller homes with split masters?”
She’d never looked at homes before. Hadn’t lived in a house since her parents had been killed when she was eleven.
He nodded. “I’ll have Sandra type in all of your parameters for tomorrow.”
They’d already agreed they’d start looking again at ten the next day.
Because they were running late, once again, Nolan had to head out the second they pulled in the lot of her apartment complex. The only thing different on Friday’s departure was that he leaned into the backseat to kiss Stella before he left, telling her that Daddy loved her.
Good thing he didn’t hang around long enough to see the tears that pooled in Lizzie’s eyes at the sound of his voice saying those words.
He’d never told her he loved her. Not even during their last, intense hours of sex the night before he’d left town.
She’d never told him, either.
You still love him, don’t you?
Carmela’s words from the night before came back to her as she unstrapped Stella’s carrier, threw the diaper bag and her purse over her shoulder and headed into the apartment.
How could she love a man she didn’t really know? One she couldn’t trust?
He’d bailed on her before. He could again. She just had to hope it would work out.
Somehow.
Chapter Sixteen
Stella was wide awake when they arrived at the first house on Sandra’s list on Saturday, so Nolan, taking Lizzie at her word, picked the baby up.