He shook his head. “You’ve become a friend. One that means more to me than I can even understand...”
“Don’t.” Shaking her head, she held up a hand. It was trembling. “This...this is what’s not okay,” she said. “This is what’s hard. I have a role to fill, Jamie. A job to do. And a reputation to uphold. Not just for me, but for The Parent Portal. My employees. Our clients. And future clients. The future families we can help bring to life...”
“I know.”
“What you’re saying here...it’s like tempting a dog with a pork chop bone when, after he takes it and enjoys the moment, it’s going to splinter inside him and could kill him.”
His offer was like a bone to a dog. That’s what he heard. She coveted what he wanted to give her. Was licking her chops and...
“I’m being selfish again.” His brain finally got to the point she’d been making. His offer only made things harder on her. Not easier. While attempting to be kind, he’d ended up being kind of cruel.
“You’re being human, and very sweet.” The way she smiled at him, her trembling lips only slightly tilted, changed his world. “And if we weren’t under legal contract, if we weren’t dealing with a situation that was conceived at The Parent Portal...”
The conversation seemed to have ended as she trailed off, and the room seemed to darken. To lose air. Jamie glanced out toward the ocean. Wondering how to extricate them both from the very awkward situation he’d created. How to hide his already-exposed vulnerability once again.
“If...after the baby is born...you still want to make your offer, offers—friendship and a relationship with the baby—I will at least be open to having the conversation.” She stopped. Just kept watching him.
Thinking? Assessing? He withstood the scrutiny. Waited for what she’d bring next.
“It actually does help, knowing that the birth might not be the end. Knowing that there’s possibility.” Her hand cradled the slight bump in her belly.
And the lights came back on.
Chapter Seventeen
During their sixteen-week visit Cheryl offered Jamie the opportunity for another ultrasound, to determine the sex of the baby, but he declined after looking at Christine.
“I don’t mind,” she’d told him, while they were still sitting in the doctor’s office. “Truly, it’s not a big deal.” Not physically. And the rest... She was a pro. If there was any momentary residual emotional discomfort, she’d quickly get over it.
Besides, he’d offered her the chance to actually know the baby she was creating. He might change his mind. She wasn’t the mother and had no legal rights. But the idea dangling out there made the pregnancy easier.
Not for any logical reason. It wasn’t like she’d be a mother this time around. The child wouldn’t know her as such. That would be too confusing. And unfair to all of them. But to actually be able to see the child, to see for herself that it was well, happy, thriving...
She brought up the ultrasound possibility again a couple of days after their Wednesday doctor visit, five days after he’d made his sweet offer in his cottage. They’d been for a walk on the private stretch of beach attached to his cottage—and several others along the way—and were sitting, in jeans and long-sleeved shirts, in the sand, about halfway between the ocean and the cottage. The Friday late afternoon air held a chill that was more invigorating than cold.
She was meeting Olivia for dinner at seven. Had to get home and change, but had been struggling to find a way to talk to him about things she really wanted to discuss, without compromising that professional glass wall standing between them.
Having asked if they could sit a moment, she suddenly felt like she’d created a hot seat for herself.
The ocean was rough, roaring into the beach in waves strong enough to knock over sandcastles and sweep them away. She and her father had made an entire colony out of sand once—huts and a store and a school with little twig benches...
“I want to order the ultrasound,” she told Jamie. “I won’t do it without your say-so, as you have to foot the bill since it’s not required prenatal care at this point, but you wanted to know the sex of the baby the last time, and now they can tell.”
He was shaking his head before she’d even finished. “I can wait.”
“Jamie...” She turned her head, waited for him to look at her. Hadn’t realized how close they were. Their shoulders weren’t ev
en touching, but his face was so close. A lean and a scoot and her lips could touch his. Could talk in a whole new way.
“You think I don’t know it’s hard on you to lie there and hear that heartbeat and divorce yourself from what’s going on inside you?” he asked. “I’ve done more reading...the hormones that protect the baby affect you, too. There’s natural bonding going on between you and the baby... I’m not going to put you through any more than absolutely necessary.”
“You need to quit thinking about me, and let yourself get everything you can out of this,” she said, a passion in her tone that surprised her. And seemed to knock him a bit off course as well. Wide-eyed, he glanced at her and kept looking.
“I signed on for this,” she told him. “I’ve been pregnant before. I knew what I was letting myself in for. The nine months will be over and I’ll go on with my life. But you...you’re missing out, Jamie, by not letting yourself revel in it. Or celebrate it.”
“How do you know I don’t? You’re only with me for short periods at a time a few times a week. That leaves a lot of celebration time.”
He was right. She didn’t know. The idea didn’t sit well. Had she been so certain she really knew him? That she knew what he did with the majority of his life?