“He’s going to be spoiled. I love it!” Kristen held up one that read Auntie’s New Man, and Taylor Jane had one that had the soft kitty from my favorite television show, The Big Bang Theory.
Ethan was a trooper, sleeping the entire visit until the nurse came in to remin
d me about his feeding. I was trying to breastfeed, but it was difficult. I read all the books from the library, but it was still a skill I hadn’t mastered. I felt like I was already failing him and we hadn’t made it past the first few days yet.
“Okay, everyone out.” This came from Evan who had yet to hand my son back to me. Ethan fidgeted, little hands fisted over the edges of the blanket, and Evan laid him in my arms.
“No need to be rude, Mr. Bossy Pants!” Kristen snarled. Taylor Jane winked at me and tugged her out of the room.
“Keep it up and I’ll find something to arrest you for,” Evan grumbled.
Carmen packed up the leftover cake to be put in the mini fridge in my room while Louisa tinkered with my hair before giving me a kiss goodbye. Lia took photos the entire time. I still wasn’t sure what color eyes she had with the lens jammed up in her face and one eye squinted to take shots.
A chorus of mushy goodbyes followed with promises to come back tomorrow to help with moving the gifts to my apartment. When the nurse stuck her head back in, it was with a smile and a nod, leaving me alone with my son and Evan.
“So, uh…” He looked embarrassed and I wasn’t sure why. The truth was that he was there when I had given birth; heck, I’d shared more bodily fluids with him than I had with my son’s father. Gross, but that was the truth.
“Thank you, Evan.” I adjusted Ethan and remembered I’d have to whip out a boob to try to feed him. My whole body cringed at the thought of being seen by the one person I crushed on.
“The nurse suggested trying it naturally. You know.” Evan waved his hands around like I was supposed to understand what he meant. It was awkward, but the dimple is his cheek deepened, making him look as uncomfortable as I felt. Yeah, this was natural, but no one explained that to me when they should have. Considering my previous limited fumbling happened under the cover of darkness, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind with Evan.
I decided to make this easy on him. “You don’t have to stay, Evan.”
“I, uh, you’re right. I just thought that…” And there was a pregnant pause again about nine months too late. We sort of looked at each other and it was now or never. We weren’t a family unit, he wasn’t my son’s father, and I wasn’t his girl. I felt conflicted because while I barely knew Evan Rooney, I had already shared so much more with him than the brief sexual encounter with Ryder West. Ryder was a mistake in judgement, and Evan…I didn’t know what I felt, but it was fluttery and sweet.
“Can you hand me that blanket? The soft one that Lia brought?” He picked it up and handed it to me, letting our fingers touch. Evan distracted us both with his little whimper, and I hushed him, humming a song my grandmother used to sing to me. I’d long forgotten the words, but the tune remained and it worked to calm him.
We both struggled, shifting and positioning until Evan grabbed the pillow, as frustrated as I was. “Try this.” He fit the half circle around me and suddenly I was all right. Ethan was in a good spot and I nodded, wondering what next as he cried hungrily. My arms were caught and I didn’t have a free hand to unsnap my gown at the shoulder.
“Um…” Now I felt awkward asking him to help me. My face felt like a nuclear blast hit me.
“I won’t look, Remi. I swear.” His face looked anywhere but at me and hands jingled his keys in his pocket.
“Evan…”
“It’s not because I don’t want to, but because I shouldn’t.”
Wow. That was new and clearly not a pick-up line by the catch in his voice. I swallowed whatever reply I was going to make and nodded, my face hot with embarrassment, but there was nothing to be done about it.
Evan reached slowly, so as not to spook me I guessed, and unsnapped the three offending buttons. He left the gown in place and lifted the blanket over my shoulder, covering Ethan. It was when his hand slipped underneath to pull the gown down, I shut my eyes and let the shudder consume my body. It was the gentlest and barest of grazes against my skin, but I would have committed a felony to feel it again. The guilt of feeling desire at clearly the wrong time flooded me in all of my over-functioning girl places that by all rights should have been dead at the moment.
“I think I got it, thanks.” Keeping my eyes shut, I shifted, letting Ethan latch on to my breast. It was a painful feeling, the sharp tug, and embarrassing wishing it was something else. I was a horrible mother, and a bad person, but I was also human and horny as hell. Life wasn’t fair, and it sucked.
“I have to go to work, but I’ll come by later.” Clearing his throat, he brushed a lock of my messy hair around the shell of my ear.
I didn’t want him to go. “You don’t have to. You’ve done so much already.”
“Remington.” He sounded like he was chiding me and I sniffed back tears.
“Seriously, Evan.” I tipped my chin away to hold the tears back.
He leaned in closer to stroke Ethan’s head gently. “What if I want to, sweet girl?” he whispered before slipping out of the room.
I didn’t look up to watch him leave because I knew I couldn’t have him. I had grown used to disappointment, but it didn’t hurt any less sniffing back the tears.
14
Evan