Each day is a balancing act, but I’m finding that I’m learning to live with the grief, just as I’m learning to be a vampire. Both changes are so abrupt and final that it’s taking a lot of getting used to, just trying to wrap my head around these new realities. I’m lucky in a way that I became a vampire around the same time as I lost her, because it’s changed my relationship with death for the better.
And it’s given me a distraction. I’m very aware that you can be too distracted from the pain, and I don’t want that, because I want to feel everything as it comes and I don’t want it to pile up inside me. That’s where the damage comes from. But it’s enough of a distraction that I’m able to keep on living, keep on pushing through. I get up in the morning now, without crying and lying in bed all day. I take a shower, put on clothes, do my makeup. I go to work. And work has been a blessing too.
We’ve been planning this Christmas party for the last few weeks, and I’ve really thrown myself into it, decorating and hiring the band and figuring out the finger foods and the special drink menu and all that. And now it’s here and underway and Dark Eyes is packed with merry looking vampires dressed in their shimmery best.
And I think I’m happy. I think I’m finding happiness in this new scary life, this life that I’m still getting lost in.
I’d just be happier if I was with Wolf.
And that’s all on me.
I sigh and straighten the neckline of my strappy cocktail dress, making sure my boobs are in their power position. One great thing about being a vampire is that I swear my breasts have gotten even bigger while my waist has gotten smaller. Then again, I’m not sure of the caloric content of blood, I may need more than I think.
“I see you solved your problem.”
I’m in the middle of filling a glass with soda water when I look up at the vampire sitting at the bar across from me. It takes me a moment to place him, then I realize it is the vampire who was dressed as the sad clown at Halloween, the one who told me it would never work with me and Wolf.
“Pardon?” I ask, grabbing a vodka bottle and free pouring into the glass.
He nods toward the doors to the feeding room where Wolf is standing in his white tuxedo, manning the volunteers and recipients. He looks as handsome as ever, especially with his strong chin raised and his don’t fuck with me demeanor that comes out when he’s doing that job. My heart does a little dance that I’m not very good at ignoring.
“You and Wolf. You became a vampire. Problem solved,” he says.
“You make it sound easy, Pagliacci,” I say wryly, sticking a lime on the rim of the glass and sliding it down the bar to a customer. “You know there was no guarantee that it would work.”
“So I hear,” he says, using the cocktail sword to spear the cherry in his ginger old-fashioned. “You’re the talk of the town now. And by town, I mean the world. Lenore, she might be the answer to everyone’s prayers. Though some say she might be the destruction of our species.”
I frown, not liking the sound of that. “What the hell does that mean?”
He shrugs and takes a sip of his drink. “Vampires don’t like change. You’ll discover that in time, you’re just brand-new. We were always kept in line, our population under control, by the fact that we couldn’t turn humans into vampires, not without the dire consequences none of us would fuck with. Now that Lenore can…”
“Are people worried she’s going to go around and start biting people, turning them into vampires willy-nilly?” I joke. “Because, like I said, it wasn’t a walk in the park. I almost didn’t come back. And Lenore has no interest in doing that again.”
He gives me a tight smile, which shows he doesn’t really care. “I’m just telling you what I know. I’m sure all will be fine.”
“Don’t vampires want more vampires on this planet?”
“Some do. Some don’t. Some think more vampires would mean more chances of us being found out by the rest of civilization. They’re happy with the status quo, the way things are, how we operate under the radar of humans. They’ll do anything to protect that.”
I tilt my head at him, cold washing over me. “Is that a threat?”
He smiles again. “It’s not even a warning. I’m just making conversation.”
“Well I highly doubt people—vampires—have anything to worry about. I know Lenore, and she’s not about to do that.”
“And what about yourself?”
“What about myself?”
“Perhaps you can create vampires too,” he muses.