Oh, I’m totally lying. I missed him. While he drives me crazy, there’s also something…endearing about him. He’s cute and charming and sexy. Tall and broad and so manly. I’m tempted to run my hands through his dark, thick hair and tell him to shut his awful mouth. I also want to pull him in close and see what those muscular arms feel like wrapped around me. I wouldn’t mind knowing what it would be like to have those plump lips of his land on mine. I bet he kisses like a master. I bet—
“You’re thinking about him right now, oh my God,” Hayden says, interrupting my Caleb-filled thoughts.
“I was not.” I’m defensive because I most definitely was thinking about him.
“You so were. Your cheeks are turning red. Gracie, no guy makes you blush. You’ve been with a lot of guys since I’ve known you—”
“Hey,” I interrupt, not liking the direction she’s going in.
“Don’t be offended. I’m not saying it in a bad way. It’s the truth. You’ve dated a lot of guys since freshman year, and not one of them seems to affect you like Caleb does,” Hayden explains.
“That’s because I don’t like him, remember?” I raise my brows. “He’s annoying. Like a pesky little brother.”
“Ha! You little liar. You don’t have brotherly feelings toward him. I think you not so secretly want to bang him, and that’s the real reason why you stay away from him,” Hayden says.
She is cutting way too close to the truth. “I don’t want to bang him.” Lies. “I don’t enjoy spending time with him at all.” Also semi-lies. A lot of the time, Caleb is fun. He’s rude and inappropriate and a total douche, but fun. He knows how to laugh at himself. He cracks jokes. He says silly things that are funny. “Working with him will be a test of my patience.” Absolute truth. “But maybe it will bring us—closer together. Only as friends, though.”
Not too sure about that, but it sounds good.
“Uh huh,” Hayden nods, the smirk on her face annoying me. “Maybe the two of you just need to do it and get it out of your system.”
“I don’t think that’s going to help matters,” I tell her, hating how her suggestion lights me up inside.
I would be totally down to do it with Caleb. I’m just afraid of the repercussions afterwards. I’m worried I might end up falling for him completely, and that’s just…
Not good.
I prefer being single. I don’t want to depend on anyone. People—men—let you down. My dad let down my mom on a constant basis, yet they’re still together. She complained about him all the time when I was younger, but never did anything about it. Who wants that kind of relationship?
Not me. No sir.
“I think it could help. You never know. Having sex with him could get rid of that overwhelming sexual tension that’s always brimming between the two of you once and for all,” Hayden says.
“We do not have brimming sexual tension,” I say, feeling defensive. Again.
“You so do,” she says, sending me a pointed look. “And you know it. Don’t deny it. I bet if you had sex with him, the tension would disappear. He’d treat you like a friend again. Or maybe even a non-entity. And isn’t that what you want?”
I recoil at that. I don’t want him to treat me like I don’t exist.
But isn’t that what you did to him for the first half of the year? You pushed him straight out of your life like he never mattered to you.
I hate that I did that to him. Really, I do. But my self-preservation instincts kicked in and I had to keep him at a dist
ance.
Otherwise, I would’ve done something I regretted. Like have sex with him.
“I think that’s a terrible idea,” I tell Hayden, wanting her to know where I’m coming from. “What if he falls madly in love with me?”
More like what if I fall madly in love with him?
Nah. That won’t happen. My feelings for a guy come and go so fast they barely register. I don’t know why either. My parents weren’t the best example, so maybe that had something to do with it. My older brother Dave joined the military as soon as he graduated high school to get out of the house. Now he’s happily married and living in Texas. He and Jessica already have a couple of kids.
They’re living the American dream, while I’m over here trying to get with every cute guy I see, yet they never hold my interest long enough. Or they don’t meet my needs—whatever those are.
It’s not like they’re bad guys. Most of the men I’ve been with, save for a few, have been pretty awesome. Kind. Handsome. Hard-working. Smart. Funny. Some of them were excellent in bed. A few were meh. Two in particular were flat-out awful.
When I start thinking about all of them, I always end up feeling bad. For making those choices. For having sex with so many of them and then just…moving on, like I didn’t even care. Men can be with a bunch of women and they aren’t judged. Women get with a bunch of guys, and we’re sluts.