I nodded, not knowing what to reply.
The only reason I set up that sober living for her was for my wife. I honestly had no idea she actually went. After I walked out of her hospital room, I never looked back. I did what I had to do, and that was the end of it. I couldn’t live with myself if I hadn’t done something, especially with the contacts I had at my disposal.
I never told Kinley because I didn’t want my girl to get her hopes up for nothing. I was still fucking livid with her mother, and as much as I didn’t want her back in our life, it was apparent she was sober, and her life was in order.
I didn’t know what the right or wrong answer was when it came to her, and that was a very terrifying thing for a man like me who thrived on control. In the last year alone, life had taught me a lot of things.
“My rock bottom was almost killing us, Kinley.” She pulled what looked like sobriety chips out of her purse. “I carry these with me everywhere I go, to remind myself of how far I’ve come.”
Her eyes showed more emotion than I had seen in her even from before. Her bright green gaze intently focused on us.
“I know you’re going to protect, Kinley, with everything you have, but I’m begging you to give me a chance. I’ll prove myself. I know I’ve said this to you a hundreds, thousands, probably millions of times, but from the bottom of my heart and soul, I am so very sorry for all the damage I’ve caused. I needed to forgive myself from the guilt of everything I’ve done to you. I needed to love myself. I needed to understand why I am the way I am. It took a lot of self-discovery and therapy, but here I am, standing in front of you, pleading for another chance. I won’t let you down. I’m not asking for you to forget, but I’m begging you to forgive.”
My eyes shifted to Kinley, tears were falling down her cheeks. I resisted the urge to comfort her, knowing she needed to process all this on her own for a moment.
Jax and I locked eyes, I could see he was feeling what I was. Wanting to give her mother some solace. My heart was breaking for this woman, she’d been through so much and I couldn’t imagine being away from my child, even if it was my fault.
I knew what it was like to not have Kinley by my side. We had our second chance, and maybe this was there’s.
“I’m not saying we go back to being what we were,” she added, bringing my stare back to her.
She stepped forward, grabbing Kinley’s hands. Kissing them for a second. Her lips lingered on her skin as if she was trying to engrain it into her memory.
“I don’t want to go back to the past. That part of our lives is done and over with. I just want to move forward in the future with you. I miss your face, your smile, your laugh, I miss hearing you say you love me.”
“I know, Mom. I miss all those things too. I’m so relieved you’re okay and sober. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”
“I know, baby. Your love, your kindness, your heart… I’m so lucky to have you as my daughter. If we could be friends again. Start from the beginning with a clean slate. I’d love to show you my house, I own it. I’m only twenty minutes away from here. I work at the sober living facility, I’m one of their counselors. I went back to school, Kinley. I wanted to help other people go through what I did, what I still do. I can’t tell you how much it’s helped me knowing I’m helping others the way you did with me.”
“Oh wow.”
I was surprised to hear her say that.
“That’s quite an accomplishment, Mom.”
“Thank you, baby. I did it for myself, but I also wanted to make you proud. You’re the only thing that’s ever mattered to me.”
Kinley took a deep breath. I wasn’t startled in the least that she was hesitating. I couldn’t blame her after everything her mother put her through. The emotional roller-coaster ride that was never-ending, all-consuming, held us hostage for decades.
“Can you give me another chance, Kinley Care Bear?”
Kinley’s gaze connected with mine, she was waiting for what I had to say. I couldn’t make this decision for her, the only thing I could mouth was, “I’ll always be here for you.”
She smiled with more tears cascading down her face before looking back at her mother.
With trembling lips, she cried, “We can try.”
I let go of a deep breath I didn’t realize I was holding. Feeling like we’d gone full circle.