I nodded and took in a few deep breaths. “Okay. Okay, I’m okay now.”
She chuckled. “You don’t sound like it, but I’ll take your word for it. Let’s go meet your daughter.”
I felt numb washing up before heading into the NICU. The moment I walked in, I froze. The first thing I saw were incubators. About ten of them. Next to each one was a rocking chair. Nurses were tending to some of the incubators, while two nurses were sitting in the rocking chairs holding the tiniest of babies. My heart nearly dropped when the nurse pointed to the incubator with the pink blanket draped over it.
“Baby girl Parker is waiting to meet you, Dad.”
Pulling in a deep breath, another nurse walked up to us.
“Kacy, this is Trevor Parker.”
A wide smile moved across her face. “Baby girl Parker’s daddy. She is the sweetest little thing.”
I forced a smile and tried to get my heartbeat under control. My hands were shaking so bad, I had to ball them into fists.
“I’m going to leave you with Kacy, Mr. Parker.”
Turning to the nurse, I reached out my hand. “Thank you so much.”
One quick glance at her nametag and I added, “Emma. Thank you for taking care of Scarlett and me…and our baby girl.”
“Of course. I’m on shift until eleven, and if I don’t see you before I leave, I’m sure I’ll see you tomorrow evening.”
I nodded and turned back to Kacy.
“Mr. Parker.”
“Trevor, please call me Trevor.”
She nodded. “Okay, Trevor. I need to let you know that your daughter is hooked up to a lot of wires and machines. It’s going to be shocking. She’s very little and fragile, but not so fragile you won’t be able to hold her.”
“Today?”
“Maybe. She’ll be on a schedule. Every three to four hours one of us will wake her, take her vitals and when the time comes, start to practice with her on taking a bottle. During these schedules, Mom and Dad are encouraged to be here. We like to do something called Kangaroo Care. This is where there is skin-to-skin contact with Mom or Dad. It helps with growth and bonding.”
“Okay,” I replied, as I glanced around the room. I felt so far out of my element and tried like hell not to cry. In the corner, a mom sat in a rocker, holding her tiny infant to her chest. Tears pricked harder at the back of my eyes.
“Are you ready to meet your daughter?” Kacy asked, pulling my gaze away from the mom.
My entire body trembled, and I had no fucking idea why I was so damn scared. I wanted Scarlett here. I needed Scarlett here. It wasn’t fair I was getting to see the baby first without her.
“Trevor?” Kacy asked, squeezing gently on my arm. My eyes met hers.
“I wish Scarlett was here.”
A soft smile moved over her face. “I know you do. I also know she would be here if she could. The first few days you might struggle bonding with the baby, or your wife might, but it’s these first few days that are of the utmost importance.”
“We’re not married. We, um, we were at our wedding ceremony when Scarlett’s water broke.”
“I’m so sorry,” Kacy said and I could hear the sincerity in her voice. “Scarlett might have a harder time bonding since she is not seeing the baby for a few hours after birth. I need you to know that we’re here not only for the baby, but for you and Scarlett, as well. Any questions you might have or anything you might need, just ask.”
“Thank you, Kacy.”
She nodded and motioned for me to follow her.
“Now, you washed up good before you came in. You can reach into the incubator and touch the baby. I encourage it. Talk to her. Let her know you’re here.”
When we walked up, she lifted the blanket and I nearly dropped to my knees. My stomach lurched as I stared down at my precious daughter, wires and tubes coming out in every direction.
“Oh my God,” I whispered as a sob slipped from my mouth. Pulling in a deep breath, I got my emotions quickly under control.
“Let me explain what we have going on here, okay?”
All I could do was nod.
“This is the ventilator, and we’re hoping your growing preemie won’t be on it long. She’ll move to a CPAP when we remove this. This is the PICC line. She doesn’t have the sucking motion down just yet, but once she does, we’ll feed her with a bottle and this will be removed. We need to make sure her gut is ready before we start introducing Scarlett’s milk. Right now she is getting something called Totally Parental Nutrition, or TPN. The nutrition bypasses the digestive system and goes right into her bloodstream. Just like it did when she was in the womb.”