Wow.
I take a deep breath. “I just didn’t think it’s possible for three people to all be together in a serious relationship.” And I know that was my ignorance. From what Beckett tells me, there are people in the world in happy polyamorous relationships.
“I didn’t say it wouldn’t be hard. There’s lack of time. Jealousy. But every relationship, even monogamous ones, have complications. In the end, it just takes effort and commitment. That’s the hardest thing for all people—commitment.”
It’s an overwhelming thought to have this new possibility. This new option. I stare down at the M&M’s. “But what if the green one had sex with the red one and the blue one?” I blush a little, meeting Beckett’s eyes.
His brows have risen. “You lost your virginity?”
“Last night,” I say. “It was fucking epic.”
He laughs. “I’m glad. They didn’t hurt you?”
I shake my head. “They weren’t…together. I mean they were together in the same room but not together in me. And sorry for the TMI.” I don’t even know why I apologize. Maybe because we haven’t been talking much lately, but sex isn’t an off-limits topic for us. Even if he’s super private about his sex life with most people, he’s shared with me.
“I asked,” he says into a shrug. “I just want to make sure they’re not assholes to you.”
“They’re not. You know I’d dick-kick them if they fucked with me.”
He pops an orange M&M in his mouth. “Yeah, but I’d want to dick-kick them, too.”
My smile falters for a second, and then a sweeping feeling surges through me. “A triad?”
He takes a sip of his Fizz Life. “It doesn’t matter though, does it?” he asks me. “You said you already made a decision. Who did you choose anyway?”
My stomach overturns. “No one.”
“What?” he frowns.
“I was going to just choose their friendship for them and walk away.”
He gives me an iconic what the fuck face. “Now that is stupid.”
“I didn’t know we could all be together!” I collapse backward on the fuzzy rug. “And what if they don’t want that option? A triad. What if it sounds too complicated and too difficult and too different?” I’m an American princess. If I profess to the world that I have two boyfriends, I’m going to be fodder. Maybe Akara and Banks won’t want to put me through that—even if I’d want it.
Fuck, I want it.
I want them.
Both of them.
“They may not want to do it,” Beckett says, honestly. “It’s not for everyone.”
We talk more about the ins and outs of polyamorous relationships. Beckett gives me a crash course—and I ask if he’s been in one. No, only casually dating. But he’s had threesomes, which weren’t relationships. Just sex.
This isn’t just sex.
It’s why it’s hard.
There are emotions and love…so much love involved. That inevitably, if we can’t all be together, there’s going to be pain.
55
BANKS MORETTI
Our secret rendezvous point could have been warmer. I’m freezing my ballsac off. I zip up my cargo jacket and stuff my hands in the pockets. The top of a hill at Camp Calloway overlooks camp cabins, the canoe rack next to a glittering lake, and a bunch of trees. Endless seas of yellows, reds, and oranges in the November fall.
Akara rocks on the balls of his feet and blows warm breath into his hands. He glances out at the road, and I hear a voice through my radio.
“Gabe to Akara, I’m on the way with Sulli. Be there in about five.”
“Copy,” Akara says into his mic.
Our eyes latch. We haven’t spoken the unspoken words.
One of us will be leaving this hill without her.
“Have you told her you love her?” Akara asks me.
I shake my head. “I didn’t want to do that to you.” It felt wrong to bring up my love for her when Akara’s been fighting to be with her too. Like playing a winning hand in the middle of a game. And this isn’t a game to me. My feelings for her are clearer than the skies today. They’ve been clear for a while now. I ask him, “Did you tell her?”
“Truthfully, I wanted to tell her without you there, but it never felt right. And it didn’t feel right with you there either. Like either way I’d be hurting a friend.”
I nod repeatedly. “So we’re both dumbasses.”
He tilts his head, smiling. “Basically.”
“Do you think we should tell her?” I kick some pebbles on the ground. “At least then whoever she doesn’t pick can rest easy knowing they did and said all they could.”
Akara nods slowly.
My chest tightens. I can’t shut up about this. He needs to hear it now, not after. “And if it’s you, I’m going to have to ask for some sort of reassignment—”
“Stop.” He grimaces.
“I can’t watch you be with her, Akara,” I say, hurt already compounding against my ribcage.
His eyes are bloodshot, fighting something back. “You watched me be with her last night.”