Lacey shook her head. ‘He didn’t know, apparently.’
‘How did he find out—about me, I mean? How did he…?’
Confused that Jessica seemed more interested in talking about her father than in discussing the consequences of what she had had to tell her, and worried that such lack of interest might dangerously spring from shock and a refusal to face up to reality, Lacey explained quickly what had happened.
‘You mean, that was him…in the restaurant…the night…? He was the man I pointed out to you?’
‘The good-looking one. Yes,’ Lacey agreed grimly. ‘I recognised him immediately, but I didn’t think he’d seen us or recognised me.’
‘And you never said. You never would have said a word if this hadn’t happened.’
Lacey felt her heart twist with pain as she recognised the accusation in Jessica’s voice. ‘I’m sorry, darling. I was just so shocked. I…’
‘You wanted to protect me from being rejected the way he rejected you,’Jessica said for her, her expression softening. ‘I know you didn’t do it out of malice, Ma. You’re far too compassionate…far too soft and gentle for anything like that.’
‘Jess, there are tests you should have…things we ought to find out…’Lacey pointed out quietly to her, trying to remind her of why she was here.
‘It’s all right, Ma. I’m not trying to evade the issue or to pretend that it hasn’t happened. It is a shock, but it’s much, much better to know now. I just need a bit of time to come to terms with it, that’s all. You needn’t worry that I’m going to pretend that none of this has happened…to push it to the back of my mind and bury it there. It’s just…It’s just…’
‘Such a shock,’ Lacey supplied huskily for her. ‘I know that, my darling…’
‘And he…my father…he just told you and that was it, was it? There was no mention of him…?’
‘He did offer to tell you,’ Lacey admitted honestly. ‘He…I think he was totally devastated to discover that you were his child. He told me that he’d had a vasectomy. He…he also said that when he married me he didn’t know…didn’t realise.’
‘Did you believe him?’
Lacey shrugged her shoulders. ‘I think I was too shocked to take it all in…When he demanded to know if you were his child my first thought was—’
‘What—that he wanted to steal me away
from you like the gypsies?’ Jessica teased with a flash of her natural ebullience. ‘I think I’m rather large to be a snatched baby, Ma! Is he married? Does he have other children?’
Lacey frowned. Jessica’s curiosity about Lewis, while natural, was making her feel very apprehensive.
‘I…No, to both your questions. I’ve arranged to take a few days off to stay here. I didn’t know if you’d prefer to arrange to have the necessary tests done somewhere anonymous. Ian could of course do them, but perhaps—’
‘I’m not going to hide it, Ma, either from myself or from anyone else. And it is, after all, Ian’s field. I’d be a fool not to go to an acknowledged expert. If you could arrange something for when I come home at half-term…
‘My father—where…is he still in town?’
‘I have no idea.’She started to tremble suddenly, causing Jessica to frown and focus on her.
‘I’m sorry, Ma. I know all this must have come as just as much of a shock to you as it has done to me.’
If only you knew, Lacey thought, watching her. If only she could be the one to bear the burden for her, her precious child. She felt so guilty, so responsible, so helpless, and she also felt ridiculously resentful of the way Jessica kept on turning to the subject of her father. Always in the past she had seemed quite happy not to discuss him; had even said that she felt no curiosity about him, no interest in him, that he was not and never could be a part of her life.
‘There’s really no need for you to stay on here, you know,’ Jessica told her, making her flinch with pain. ‘I know what you’re like, Ma,’ she added more gently. ‘I know you want to protect me, to make things right for me, but can’t you see. This is something I have to sort out on my own, to come to terms with by myself. I can’t use you as an emotional crutch for the rest of my life. This is my problem, not yours.’
Lacey flinched again, protesting huskily, ‘Jess, I’m your mother—’
‘I know. I know, but please let me deal with this in my own way, Ma. I promise you I’m not going to do anything silly. I shan’t even go out and get drunk. It’s a shock, but right now it isn’t the most important thing in my life; right now getting married and having babies is the last thing on my mind. When the time comes—well, by that time I’ll have got used to the idea. I do want children—but not yet. Don’t think I’m trying to avoid facing up to it, though. I will have the tests done.’
She gave Lacey a fierce hug and said shakily, ‘I’m sorry, Ma. I’m hurting you, I know. I don’t want to, but I’m not a little girl any more. I know you’re afraid for me, that you want to make things right for me, but please…try to have a little more faith in me…in the values you yourself have given me. Try to allow me to face this on my own.’
‘Do I have to leave now, or will first thing in the morning do?’ Lacey asked her, trying to sound light-hearted, but knowing that her misery was betrayed by her voice.
Now it was Jessica’s turn to wince. ‘Please, Ma,’ she begged, and immediately Lacey felt ashamed of herself.