“Are you in a hurry to get home?”
Home. What does that even mean anymore? Home was being with Killian.
“There’s a party tonight at the frat house.”
I bite the inside of my cheek. I guess that’s where he’s been staying. I should have known.
“If you want to hang out there go for it, but I’m not going back to that house.”
“You got something against parties?”
“It’s where we were the last time we fought. When I found out you had been lying to me.”
His face falls. “Oh. Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. You don’t remember.”
But I do… How could I forget?
“I don’t have to go if it bothers you.”
“You’re free to do whatever you want, Killian,” I croak. My throat feels so damn tight. I don’t know if I want to cry or smack him or scream. Maybe I need to do all three.
“So are you.”
“You know what I want.”
“Why don’t you show me, Liri?”
He turns off on Butler Road, and I tense up. Does he remember? We’ve had a lot of first on this road. My heart feels like its splintering in two as the memories invade my thoughts. The first time I got in his car and he brought me
to that damn race. The excitement of it all pulses through me. I dare to peek at him, but his focus is on the road.
Silence stretches between us.
“I’ve been coming here since I got my license,” he explains as we come to a stop at the clearing.
My hope fades as quickly as it formed.
“I don’t know what you want from me,” I tell him when the car shuts off.
“You sat at my bedside for two weeks straight, but the moment I said I didn’t see us as together you simply accepted it. It was easy for you to let me walk away.”
“You think I took that shit easily? Your doctor made me promise I wouldn’t push you. You want me to push you, Killian?” I shove at his shoulder. “I can push you harder than you know.”
I move over the console and straddle him. I grab his face. My mouth is so close to his I know he can taste my breath and feel my lips move as I speak. “You have no idea how much it hurts to be so close to you and yet so far away. To want nothing more than to look into your eyes but watch a machine do your breathing for you instead. To be terrified that you’d never wake up or if you did that you’d be like my father.”
“What’s your father have to do with any of this?”
“That’s right…you don’t remember. I’ll remind you. My father wrecked his motorcycle when I was like three years old, and he went into a coma. He should have died, but he didn’t. When he finally woke up, he had permanent brain damage and was put into assisted living. He has the mind of a child. I went my whole life not knowing him until a few months ago. You went with me to see him. You held my hand as I met the man I had dreamed of for years. You held my hand when that fantasy of ever having a relationship with him was crushed. He pulls his own hair out and throws fits. He can hardly talk. He told me he hated me.”
“Liri.” Him saying my name and studying me like he is in this moment is sweet misery.
“No, let me finish. I sat by your bedside not knowing what would happen when you came to, but I was prepared for anything but this. I could have handled you being hurt. I could have handled you paralyzed but not this. You not even remembering who I am or that you love me. It’s a pain worse than death for me.”
“I’m sorry.” His finger strokes along my jaw.
“I don’t want your sorry. I. Don’t.”